Journaling: I started thinking about OT advise about looking into boundaries so I did a little research. I have boundaries but somehow when those boundaries are crossed, I have no experience to deal with them. I accept them which cycles me back into battling within myself because I accepted them so I reset them. Such as if my H ever cheats again, I'll walk and never look back. Guess what? I set that boundary before we were ever married and he knew them. He had the same boundary and I knew not to overstep them. Okay, he cheated and I accepted him back. No my feelings are mixed because on the one hand, I don't accept this behavior, but on the other hand, I did accept this behavior because I'm back with him. I swore I would never be like my mother and I'm just like her. I've never involved her in my marital problems but she couldn't help but know this one since my anxiety put me in an attack and I had to go to the hospital. So I leveled with her. That's when she told me to stay because I would loose everything if I didn't. She pointed out to me what if you saw your H out with another woman after divorcing him? I know you, you would flip out and couldn't handle this. Why set yourself up for that? He wants to stay with you, he said he loves you, blah, blah. Same stuff my dad told her, yet he was so angry at my mom all the time because he stayed with her. Mom was angry all the time because he cheated. The fought, we had the police at our house numerous times, it was a very dysfunctional family and I feel like that's what I've learned. Make the best of dysfunction. I believe one of my biggest battles within myself is the realization that I shouldn't be with my H. His cheating is totally unacceptable and the things that I knew before I married him was unacceptable yet I overlooked them because of my need to have someone in my life. He was pretty good to me, so why not? I didn't have the strength to move on because if I did I would risk loosing him and that was a risk I wasn't willing to take. Once again, I accepted things that I shouldn't have. Now, how do I break my cycle? Leave and try again to be more successful in setting boundaries? Accept my H's crossing the boundaries and not accept it from him in the future? I don't trust my H and I frankly don't see me ever trusting him. I didn't trust him or myself when we were dating and that hasn't changed. I surely don't respect my H, I don't have much reason to respect him except for the fact that he goes to work everyday. Boundaries? That simple word has got me reeling. I have boundaries but I keep adjusting them to fit my situation. How do I be true to myself?
