Retrouvaille vs Counseling

[25yearsmlc]

Sara,

I lack the time to answer both your questions about marriage encounters vs Retrovaille. But Retro IS geared specifically towards M's in trouble, whereas marriage encounters CAN help those with problems and or, be a "tune up" for those just needing a bit of encouragement, or who like going to these things. I attended an Ind "encounter" that my h later attended alone and then we attended together. It was called "Essential Experience" and it was great. Singles were also there so it wasn't all about couples but every couple there, or every married person (19 of 21, actually) said their M's improved dramatically. Mine sure did. The 2 that were not helped in staying M would IMO, have divorced no matter what. But they divorced with more kindness, if you kwim...

One thing that sticks out is that BOTH people will need to change, not just categorize what they've already done. Contyankee, sometimes you recite over and over how unforgiving your wife is, while also listing your grievances about how she and her family have treated you and your family over the years. You do this so much that you seem unable to see how this looks. You discuss YOUR forgiveness of them and how they no longer anger you....and then you, again, mention or list another grievance...I just think you need to do a lot more of what you are preaching. Sorry for the hijack but I only have access to this internet for another few minutes (just moved and haven''t gotten furniture) so I had to say that. CY, to me, you have moved very little from where you were over a year ago. Yes yes I know you DO some things differently, or say you do. But your outlook about your w and M remain pretty much the same. SHE must change, THEY must stop doing whatever and YOU will keep on praying and getting less and less angry and more and more forgiving...only to revert and start up again with your list. That's why you want the letter about what your wife and family have done to you, so YOU can move forward...??? YOu mean you require an apology from her. But I thought you forgave her? What's with the apology? Don't forget CY, she sees things differently and in her heart, no matter what mistakes SHE thinks SHE made, she ALSO sees mistakes you made that you are not even aware of, or don't want to contemplate. ANd you may also believe that a one time apology from you has "erased" those hurts you inflicted, but I doubt that's the case. I simply think the letter you may want to write (and we did this in my workshop/encounter) is a letter YOU write and read out loud NOT to your spouse, but to a third party, and then LOSE the letter---burn it, rip it up, and LET IT GO....sounds ritualistic but it IS therapeutic. It's a forgiveness exercise and requires NOTHING of the "wrongdoer" b/c as you yourself have said, "forgiveness is for US"....so we can move on and be happy, as God wants us to be.

I'll catch up more when I get my stuff. Good luck and btw, imho Sara, only the self centered type of Ind Counseling can really hurt at this stage. Anything that says it's "pro-M" is unlikely to hurt and more likely to help. Can it realistically do harm? Oh, and btw, in case it applies, Essential Experience is very non-denominational and does not directly mention God at all, to my recall, but discusses "source" the "Universe" etc. For me, it meant God, but for others that had issues with organized religion, they liked it presented the way it was. No religious presssure at all. But a lot about keeping our word and our promises in our lives; "broken agreements make for messy lives" is a favorite quote of it.

Good luck,
j-