Almost a WAW

[sandi2]

Thanks to all of you for you responses. I was beginning to think nobody was going to talk to me anymore. But, you all came to me just in time.

I don't mean to blame anything I am about to say on "age", but it is just to illustate my frustation about trying to put "life" back into the MR and to feel like working toward being sexy, etc. Years ago, I could get all worked up and excited and determined about doing all these things you all have suggested....and it did work! After I got chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia it is so hard to have the energy to "make" myself do something that my heart isn't 100% into. It also frustrates me to know that I had that desire to work hard at looking sexy for the OM, but can't muster up the desire for my H. I want it to come naturally...the desire, that is....but it doesn't, so it means I have to "work" at it. (If all that makes sense!) Maybe that is why people say we get set in our ways....what they really mean is it is just hard as "hell" to do this stuff...lol. It is much easier to be lazy and let it "roll" out.

I have been trying not to gain the weight back and I have tried to discipline myself to continue the youthful skin routine each night...lol. You know, everything claims to give you that "younger appearance" now. As I have said before, I know from experience that our attitudes makes a difference due to what people would tell me about how I looked. So, our inner feelings shine through to the outside.

All the time I was growing up, my mother talked about how women would "let themselves go" after they got married. She never did! She is 82 and still looks like a model! But, I knew what she meant by how women work so hard to "win" their man, and once they get him....then they stop trying any longer. I never wanted to be that way, and hope I wasn't, but I think my unhappiness has probably had its affect.

I am hoping that in time my desire toward my H will increase and things will start to look a lot brighter than they do at this moment. We have overcome a lot. We talked a little last night and he is understanding and patient with me trying to "work through" my ordeal of getting over the OM, etc. Maybe that is not a good way of expressing what I'm trying to say, but hope you know what I mean. He said that he realized I was spending a lot of hours reading the posts on the board here and I have ordered a lot of books and read, so he knows I'm trying to make our marriage work. However, he also realizes that the "feelings" have not returned for me and that I am frustrated about that. I told him that if he did not agree for us to see a C, I did not know how long it may take.....or even if we could get everything resolved. At that point, we were interrupted and never got back to the conversation.

So, I need you all to talk to me......you ARE my C! I need encouragement b/c I am still very tempted to contact the OM.....especially at night when I am feeling so lonely. At first, I would cry when I went to bed b/c I needed to be held and loved....but I'm not doing that so much now. I know that some of you wonder why I can't just go into my H and tell him how I feel and ask him to hold me and to make love to me.....but right now, it would be like trying to do that with my brother...and I cannot force myself to do it. We've not had sex in so many years and it feels more like we are just relatives sharing the same house. I am afraid that I may never have that desire to return. It was exciting to realize I could feel normal sexual desire toward another man....but I knew it was wrong and I had to end it. Until then, I even wondered if I was just not normal. Then, I questioned my love for my H. But, I remember how I felt when I married him and I know that I did love him once. But, I think that my emotional needs were denied so many years and resentments pushed down for so long that maybe it killed a lot of those feelings.

I'm sorry, b/c I know that makes some LBS upset to hear statements like that from WAS. I have heard some angry replies to some statements from LBS to WAS.....so that is why I appreciate you all being so nice to me.

I realized when I replied to a couple of young men regarding their stitch.....how upset or resentful I still was and that I needed to be more careful in how I tried to give "advice". Compasion is something we all need here....regardless of which side of the fense we have come.