Monogomous Nympho Frustrated by Sexy LD Hubby

[GonnaGoBlind]

It is funny how closely that post parallels what you've been teaching me lately. I suppose it's taken this long to whack it into my thick skull, LOL. Hard to believe I've been around here for more than 3 years.

[MJontheMend]

MJ, your posts have been most helpful to me so far... I am very interested in knowing more about the Lioness/Monkey/Bunny/Cow dynamics, from both your intruiguing introduction as well as the fact that when my H is being nice to me (more often than not), he calls me Bunny. (When he isn't being nice, he is very fond of not-so-nice name calling including particularly irritating made-up stuff). Can you point me to more information?

I have frequently been called Bunny myself so that is why I chose that animal to represent that aspect of my femininity/sexuality. Obviously, you like it when your H calls you Bunny because you link it with him "being nice" to you. A simplistic view on the matter would lead you to believe something like "if I act more Bunny then my H will be more nice to me." Sadly this will fail for the same reason that a man "acting macho" doesn't really come off as that appealing. If you want to nurture the Bunny part of your persona you need to mother the little girl in you. I guarantee that if you start taking care of your own girl monkey and bunny more, you will wind up a far happier person with a far happier relationship than if you concern yourself with taking care of your H's puppy dog or boy monkey. In lioness mode you are being paternal towards your H and in cow mode you are being maternal towards your H. Both are pretty much libido killers. What you need to do is direct those energies more inward which will have the odd effect of directing your libido towards yourself in a sort of spread-out sensual way. As in "I'm going to take the extra $100 I earned this week and take myself to the circus and then I'm going to go to the beauty salon just to get my hair shampooed and blown dry." Of course, the indirect result of taking such good care of yourself and having so much fun is that just about everyone will want to be nice to you and f8ck your brains out because when you do that the excess will necessarily spill out all around you and everyone will see you as nice, fun, generous and free of expectations on others. At least that is my theory - lol

Here's a rough example of what I mean. Let's say you were contemplating doing something lame like cooking your H his favorite dinner in the hope that you might get some action in exchange. What you are effectively doing is mothering your H in the hope that he will father your monkey. What you might do instead is father your own monkey by taking yourself on a bike ride and extend an open invitation to your H or mother your own bunny by making a special dinner you enjoy and sharing it with your H. That way you avoid the whole "tit-for-tat" resentment/obligation/expectation build-up.

[Corri]

Loon:

As an example. I LOVE MoJo's analogies, much like I anticipate the showing of a new author. That doesn't mean that **I** get her, but I do so love to read her. I know the brain-power and massive intellect behind it, after all. Me not getting it is not the fault of her.... she runs, often, far above me. And I think it is awesome. That does NOT downplay my own intellect or emotional IQ. It means... we get to Rome by different roads. Thank God. I SO want to hear of her different journey. And she spills.

She also puts me in my place, and has, on several occasions. And once she warmed to her work... she nails me pretty consistently. Not out of ego need... just out of observation.

Familiarity breeds contempt, after all (Mojo, I'm kidding)

So. If you can stand it, pull up a place of humility at the setting of our table. I'm not going to apologize for the host of characters you will find at this table.

For after all, all are welcome who can stomach the sitting.

Corri

[MJontheMend]

Familiarity breeds contempt, after all \:\) (Mojo, I'm kidding)

I love you too, Corri.

You see, Looney, when I first joined this BB I hated all LD people. Now I love them as individuals. Of course, Corri, is now pretty dang HD (Shhh... don't tell her I said this but I think she might be more sexually assertive than me. I think she can get away with it because she is kind of tiny. She acts lioness and the men think "monkey")Of course, I was formerly the most wretched mess of a HD unf*ckable you could ever see and now I am some sort of bunny-monkey 6 orgasms in a night paramour of the sexy and semi-famous and I hope for even better in the future - lol

[blackfoot]

...the other choice would be- I dont want some strange, hence an affair wouldnt really solve anything.
I think you want some strange. buts thats just me. I also think you are monogamous.

Or you can continue in your fantasy land of monogamous nympho's and misleading your H to believe such a thing exists too, and tht you are one of them. Youll never tell him the real you and he wont ever be able to know the real you.

OK, I am very confused by this... Do you have something against HD women who claim to be monogomous nymphos? Truly, I love sex and think about it many times a day. I just don't act on my impulses. My personal idea of marriage (besides all the working together to make life run more smoothly out of the bedroom) is to have easy access to sex. I married the guy because I love him (in and out of the bedroom). I prefer to stay monogomous, but as already posted, am uber-frustrated physically.

Every behavior change you are looking for - to improve, or change -your sitch was outlined in my original post to you.
I have nothing against HD women, LD women, or nymphos. I like them all. The only thing I want to hold against them, is .... ME. LOL.
There is no such thing as monogamous nymphos. If you dont understand that, you dont understand the definition of either word.
Monogamy doesnt mean you only have 1 partner in your life, it means you have one partner at a time.
There is nothing impressive about monogamy, its completely normal. Managing your own desires and maintaining a marriage by focusing on the positives however is pretty damn impressive.

My personal idea of marriage (besides all the working together to make life run more smoothly out of the bedroom) is to have easy access to sex.
This remark significantly contradicts the following remark

And yes, the drive incompatability was evident after 7 years of togetherness before we got married. I didn't expect him to change, per se; however, the disparity has gotten worse since my hormones have kicked in higher gear and my kiddos are old enough so that I am no longer sleep deprived because of night time kiddie escapades.
So obviously you didnt agree to marry him because of your current or previous beliefs on sex, and apparantly (if I so choose to construe your words in bad faith) you only stuck with your H because your drive was low due to kids and tiredness. Possibly a need for fiscal support.
Is that what I should assume?
Now that your kids dont need you and your not tired and your doing ok fiscally, you dont really want HIM.
Is that what I should assume --since we are assigning motive to actions?
Please reply Yes. Youll make my life easier.
I can hold you responsible for my lifes choices.

You can use your 'high' horomone excuse to justify your behaviors and actions, or you can use it to understand your desire. Trying to use that excuse on a man, and you just prove that you are not, in fact, empathatic. Men control their sex drive a l l the time.
IMO its analagous to terrorists telling Ghandi they are acting as they do becuase they are hurt, angry and tired of being oppressed. Im sure he would be impressed. Not.

Lets presume for a moment that your T is 'high' and you are a hairy wildebeast with a jawbone like a Clydesdale. lets say you are in the extreme high range of 70 ng/dL, and he is atypical of the motocross / competitive sales crowd men , and is running at the low end of the scale around 350 ng/dl (I seriously doubt it).
so he only has Five times as much as you, but your excuse for infidelity is 'high hormones'.
Uh huh. If you say so.


I married the guy because I love him (in and out of the bedroom). I prefer to stay monogomous, but as already posted, am uber-frustrated physically.


Ok you are frustrated. Thats a good step in the right direction.
Did you mean to say, 'I prefer to stay with him?'
Is that hard to say?

Corri --"He's also an avoider, and probably does darn near anything to keep from discussing this issue (just to keep the peace). <-- that IS his fault.


Loon "...you do have this right, at least."

Keeping the peace is bad, guys. bad bad bad. Its what you want, not what she wants. Give her what she wants, and she will very very likely give you what you want. You will never be done. You will never recieve a final surrender. If you want peace and quiet, live by yourself.

That's why I'm here!! I'm looking for specific behavioral strategies that I can employ. Give me the words, the actions - I want to know all I can do to help change the situation.

You allready know what to do. Its here in this thread. You come across as looking for strategies to make your H a better H, rather then looking for ways to be a better W, though.

The question is do you really want to. Personally I still think you want some strange, and possibly even have a potential in the picture. So talking to you about what to do would be a waste of time.

I would say the lack of empathy falls more on him than me... Being a good UU and girl scout leader, I can empathize with the best.

That doesnt make you good at empathizing, that makes you good at sympathizing, commiserating and consoling. Consoling is a Looooonggg way from empathizing.

and I already do so much to keep my slut-like tendencies channeled to better tendencies

Your horny. Your HD. Youve been stuffing who you really are for a long time. Why? and why do you denigrate who you are with a negative connotation. This is a really important question for you to answer. Untill you do, he wont ever be able to respond to the real you. Your hiding who you really are. Untill you fix this, you will never be able to receive what you want from your H. Wait that sounds familiar...

I guess this comment could be construed to mean- 'Im a slut and its his responsibility to make sure I dont act like one.' If thats the case you should tell him that. I hope you told him that when you got married, or he may be a bit blindsided.

I mean 14 years of the same ol, same ol is fine with me, but maybe he's bored and could care less and that's the defining piece of his low desire? My preference is to have hot & heavy sex with him on a regular basis, but if he's not willing, why is it so wrong for me to have sex on the side?
Uh huh. your working yourself into a fine entitled frenzy, and trying to assign motives to his actions, to justify it.
Thats not why for him. This weekend was proof of part of the problem.
Loon if having sex on the side is OK in your book, if you can look at yourself in the mirror when you do it, then knock yourself out. Quit bugging us for ways to control your H, go find yorself a wolf to FYBO, and be happy. You want to do something, do it- and quit looking for OP to give you a reason. If you do it, its all about you.

bat my eyelashes and tell everyone I know how lucky I am to have such a stud for a hubby?
Nope. wont work. Well it might work a couple times, but it wont last because you are looking for tactics to control and change him. Judging from his work, he is no slouch at reading intent.

Well your H has some sex/body issues as well. You certainly have your work cut out for you, if you want this to work.

[MJontheMend]

Quit bugging us for ways to control your H, go find yorself a wolf to FYBO

It's always amazing to me when men reveal how little they know about their brethren. There is no such thing as a man who is all "wolf" anymore than there is such thing as a woman who is all "cow" or "bunny" or "monkey." Of course if LQ went out into the world looking for a "wolf" she could find one in most men she encountered because she would be sending out the appropriate signal. However, she could also find a "lion" or a "puppy dog" or a "boy monkey" etc. if that was what she was looking for. I don't think she should try to control her H but I think that she is confused about what she wants and that is why she is here seeking our assistance. However, there is no straight-forward dichotomy of stay with whatever animal she loves in her H vs. go find a wolf. Both instincts are within her and both are valid. If the "puppy dog" is what she loves in her H, she will seek to find the "puppy dog" in any wolf she hooks up with. If she gains self-awareness she will change and those around her including her H will change their behavior in relation to her. Whether that will mean that her relationship is strengthened or comes to an end can not be predicted.

[karen1]

Loon,

I have been reading along here and the thing that worries me is this.........

You identify various strategies that you have used to "get" your H to have sex with you. Sometimes it works and he does. You've said that "American cheese and bologna on white bread" sex is fine as long as that is all your H will dish up. As long as he dishes it up regularly. Does that sound about right?

Honey, you need to get familiar with the concept of "crap" sex. Crap sex is what is wheedled out of someone, finagled, thrown to you like a sub-standard sandwich. Accepting crap sex is part of the problem. Nympho or not you MUST get control of yourself. You MUST identify your contributions to whatever is lacking in your marriage. You MUST quit indulging in various escape fantasies - divorce, affairs etc... and engage in this M like a grown up. If you do not do so then even the crap sex will get few and far between and the wheedling and finagling will get you less and less. I would caution you against instituting a bunch of public praise for sex or reading too much into the two days of sex you got recently. You can tell your H you appreciate it, you can tell him it was good (if it was) and then you can find a way to show him that you appreciate it that HE would appreciate (something that means something to him - his favorite meal, watching football with him, an evening with the guys - whatever).

I know it seems that folks are taking a hard line. We do so because we have all banged our heads against brick walls and we can see when it is happening. We have all built our own walls to getting what we want and now we know when one is being built by someone else.

Good luck.

Karen

[cac4]

I'm with Chrom on this one. too much 2x4, too fast. Cut the girl some slack. she's new. she'll get it...eventually. it takes a while for this crap to sink in.

also: "assertive"...not "bitchy".

also, a "5"...or strong 5 tendancies. (to which, I can relate). seaking goal-oriented, crap-cutting, concrete solutions. annoyed by the circular reasoning of "all that freudian crap". She wants " a given input=a given output".
unfortunately, people (well, "most" people) don't work that way.

and geez, don't lump her in w/ cemar, just yet. Most of us HDs came here a singin the same song. let her vent! lump her w/ cemar when she's been here for 3 years, still singin the same tune.

(looney: if you haven't seen the discussions already, google "eneagram"...personality types. "Myers-Briggs" is another assesment. eneagram type 5 = Myers-Briggs INTJ. maybe I'm all wet, but that's what I see from what little you've posted so far...)

So here's something concrete for you: read Gary Chapman's "the Five Love Languages". You mentioned that you discovered that "talkin' up" your H seemed to get a good response...sounds to me that perhaps, his love language is "words of affirmation". (yours is obviously "physical touch"). anyway...read the book.
Of course, I couldn't say that speaking to him in his love language is trying to "get" him to want to have sex with you, or they'd start aiming the 2x4's back in my direction. So call it something other than that. If it comes from a published author, and you call it something else, then its ok.
like, "making yourself more attractive". that's popular. But then, just recently, someone said thats a "fools errand". oh, well. That happens alot, here.

[Crazy Eddie]

Nope. wont work. Well it might work a couple times, but it wont last because you are looking for tactics to control and change him. Judging from his work, he is no slouch at reading intent.

Thanks... I forgot to say "and you have to mean it when you talk him up". You've got to zero in on what you genuinely admire about him and speak with utter sincerity and no ulterior motives, or you might as well forget it. You want people to know how awesome he is, because that makes him happy... getting laid is something that happens on its own from time to time and may be influenced, but not controlled, by happy-making episodes like that. An intention on your part to control it makes it all fall flat.

Of course, I couldn't say that speaking to him in his love language is trying to "get" him to want to have sex with you, or they'd start aiming the 2x4's back in my direction.

Nope. You show him how much you love him, in ways he understands, because you want to. Because making him happy is a fun thing for you to do since you love him and enjoy showing it and enjoy seeing the smile on his face that he gets when you really reach him. Maybe you'll get laid and maybe you won't right away... who knows how he's feeling or what he's thinking at the time. But for that moment, you've made him feel happy and connected and you get a nice sense of accomplishment and connectedness from that, and if you string enough moments together like that, you have what we call a happy, close relationship and all kinds of good things are bound to happen from there. They don't happen on a schedule or exactly to spec, mind you, but you'll end up liking them just the same. Probably.

[loonyqt]

I appreciate everyone's feedback so far.

Cac4, thanks for your recent post - very helpful on a few levels. I will check out the book you mention (think it's available at my local library? - I'll try that tomorrow)

Also - I am familiar with mb personality typing, but not as mapped to eneagrams (which is new to me). You are close (75%) with the INTJ but I'm baffled on how you came up with the I part, as I am a solid E. ;-) Actually, to be precise - I'm an EN(T/F)J as everytime I've taken the long test online (as recently as a few months ago), my answers straddle me only 1 smidge on the T side of the thinking/feeling continuum. Anyway, can you point me to a site that maps the myers-briggs to enegrams as I couldn't find one readily when I searched +eneagrams, +myers-briggs. On that note, you might like this:

http://www.xeromag.com/fun/personality.html
See the site for the full entertaining descriptions of the following archtypes:
ENTJ: The Evil Overlord
ENTP: The Mad Scientist
ENFJ: The Cult Leader
ENFP: The Scientologist
ESTJ: The Bureaucrat
ESTP: The Conman
ESFJ: The Control Freak
ESFP: The National Enquirer Headline
INTJ: The Outside Contractor
INTP: The Egghead
INFJ: The Conspiracy Theorist
INFP: The Idealist
ISTJ: The Thought Police
ISTP: The Psycho Vigilante
ISFJ: The Martyr
ISFP: The Crackpot

As an aside, it's not that I don't like to (over)analyze things, because *I* do. It's just that my H couldn't care less to dwell on the hows/whys of things (let me qualify - he likes whys/hows of engines and anything presented on the discovery channel but human psychology, his eyes glaze over) and I am trying to take more positive action based strategies given how he operates.

Basically, from all I've pieced together here, I have to tame down my yang (a lot), truly work on connecting with him better on a non-sexual level, and assume a very complimentary (as appropriate) language stance.

OK. He comes home from a business trip on Friday, after being gone since Sun... good time to put some new vibes forward.

thanks, gang.