Maybe he was trying, but he was involved with and EA/PA long before that. You know that.
I see no reason to think H will return. Regardless, at this point, it is time for you to be OK on your own.
I think you are holding onto for the reasons your C suggested -- enmeshment. He is your parent. You are afraid of what it means about you if you accept his leaving. I actually don't think it has a whole lot to do with him right now. When you are feeling better, you recognize the problems in your R with him and how it was not a good R for you.
At court, you did the drama, gave the judge the poignant "hope" line, rehashed the whole business with H, and you got back to this point which is somehow comforting to you.
It is at least no doubt familiar. You know how to live this way because of how you grew up. The stuff with your mother is not resolved. You are recreating it because you know it. You know that and how to have another parent. You need to focus on learning to be an adult who is not defined by what a good parent or bad parent feels about them and how that parent treats them.
This spoke to me much more than the second scenario--I really, REALLY don't want to loose him! There was no Aha in the idea that I want a D, secretly. It is the simple disbelief that any of this is happening at all that makes it even harder. I did think it was a good R for me--nothing is perfect, but I was happy. I loved (love) him.
But the parenting thing...I grew up pretty well-adjusted for someone who had to take care of herself the majority of the time, and then help raise a sister. I actually had a relatively happy childhood, especially after I reached junior high and was able to effect changes for myself more easily (volunteering, allowed to walk where I wanted to go, more friends, etc.).
But H promised to always take care of me. I think there were some issues where I pushed him into more of a parenting role, such as money (I like to buy what I want, and would put him in the position of having to say no). But the housework / neglecting thing that he felt--I honestly didn't see the clutter; not on my radar. Not in my whole life. But that is something that he continually points to as one of the driving forces, here. He would come home, and I would be reading a magazine or working on the computer while there were dishes to do in the sink, or vacuuming to be done. (Not everyday, like he remembers, but sometimes). Don't get me wrong, it was never gross--no sticky messes anywhere. I pile papers, but usually confine that to one surface, such as the kitchen table or my desk. He would sometimes come in and start to clean something, I would realize what he was doing and jump up to take it from him--I never asked him to do those things! But of course, it was always too late, and he would say shortly, "Forget it--I got it." I would then go into another part of the house that might need to be straightened or cleaned--I never meant for him to feel like he had to do those things. I just worked on a different time schedule than he had in mind.
Without talking to me about it, he interpreted these things as me not caring about him, not thinking about him. He felt he HAD to do stuff or it wouldn't get done. I never saw the depth of all of this--it was surface BS to me, just boring housework. I demonstrated my love for him through hugs and touch, talking, caring about his day, caring about his health...
OK, that just digressed into what brought us here again. Is it linked to the Adult-Child thing? It might be. But I do feel like I am losing so much in loosing him...I love him, for everything that he has ever been to me, with me.
So, is this the real problem that he developed in our R? He grew tired of having to care for me, that I wasn't a "grown-up?" I did take on so much responsibility, just different roles. Most of the child-rearing, volunteer and school issues. All of the paperwork and taxes. All of the research and reading. All of the contacts with family and friends (set up vacations, send cards, buy gifts, etc.) I thought that we shared the housechores as partners; whoever was free could lend a hand and pitch in. I think that he took on more than his share, though. And I let him. I shoulnd't have done that.
Anyway, with all that behind us and me not having a time machine, I have addressed all of those concerns. I take care of everything now, even before he moved out, and now out of necessity.
He has said he has seen the changes but his feelings have not come back. And he is sure that they won't.
I am a pretty intelligent person. I know that the desperation is not good--he has even SAID it! Yet, I think I react out of that child-place... So, I have to avoid him altogether. No talking, no email, stand far away when he has to exchange kids. Then, I can hold it together. It is getting better when I am not in contact with him (not as many outbursts when I am not exposed to him).
It makes me completely understand my D's reactions each time she comes home and is a mess... he has asked me to have her call him when she acts out like that, but I need to deal with it here, myself, not through him over the phone. He wants to hear the anguish in her voice (why?), then blames me for her being sad at all, because I have cried in front of them (not hysterics, but they have seen it from time to time). He wants me to be stronger, react stronger. He says that they will react to how we handle things; if we are strong, they will be happy.
It pisses him off when I cry in front of him; I try so hard not to.
So, guys, what do I do? Other than no-contact? IC says I will let go with time and no-contact. Is there anything else I need to do right now? I am back at work, getting into the swing of things, went to my girl scout parent meeting tonight, spoke with bff...GALing.
I just went back and re-read all of that. Strength. He has said he wants me to be stronger. He resents that I leaned on his parents when I was trying to hold onto my grip to the planet. And he thinks my crying is weak, and doesn't want me doing it in front of the kids at all.
Will I have enough time to develop that strength that I can be around him, even if acting as-if at first? Or is it all too late, anyway? And what else can I do to cultivate that strength?
I know that I let myself cry--I think it is ok to cry when you are feeling sad. But it is the weakness behind it...I was never like this before. I was confident and happy. I have to find that on my own again...
