Cobra's Workshop

[Kettricken]

Let's say you initiate sex. Your wife says no.

Let's say, for discussion sake, that your first emotional response to that is hurt. And just for discussion sake, let's say when this particular cycle happens, your hurt prompts you to become angry. And when you feel angry, you might yell, you might get sarcastic, you might leave the room. You have all kinds of choices, right?

And this is where you have to really pay attention to what is going on inside of you, and in what order.

No one likes to feel hurt. However, at this juncture, if you actually stop and 'feel the feeling,' decide where it is located in your body, focus it on it, concentrate on it, and the LET IT GO... you've stopped the progression and escalation of the emotion into anger. So... you are not stopping yourself from feeling... you are not detaching from your emotions... you are monitoring them very closely, actually... and you are managing them. Instead of them managing you.

I didn't see what you were driving at before, but this makes *perfect* sense to me. It sounds like freedom ... not freedom from emotions, but from being a slave to them.

Also, freedom from how you think you "should" feel or react --"She turned me down AGAIN! I have a RIGHT to be angry!" You may have a right to be angry, but maybe you don't *have* to be angry ... and wouldn't that be better?

I think it's kind of like what I try to do (when I remember) with pain or itching or cold or some other unwelcome physical sensation. "Hmmmmmmmmmmm. That hurts. It is a sensation, it's a distinct throbbing ache in my temples. I can't really do anything about it, so I'll just accept the experience until it passes." Does it still hurt like hell? Yes. But somehow refusing the script that says, "oh my god oh my god make it stop now!!! it's so unfair, I can't take advil or my stomach will kill me, WHY does this have to happen today I'm SO FRUSTRATED and I'm going to kill the next person who makes a sound!" brings a certain tranquility and relief all on its own.

Could I do it through a migraine? doubtful. But then again, these are learned behaviors, so you never know ...

It's not always the right choice ... who would advocate trying to do pain control only through a rotting tooth as opposed to going to the dentist and getting it taken care of?

But for the stuff we can't control, like everything our spouse says and everything they do ... developing the skills to manage our emotions instead of being managed by them sounds like deliverance. Much easier in theory than practice, of course, but how nice to have the theory.

Thanks for articulating this so well, Corri.

Hey, question .... does the "concentrating on exactly where you feel the emotion" part serve mostly as a stopsign, to make you really halt the progression and focus on the original emotion?