Your W thinks that there is some dream life awaiting her and the kids and she has to get away from you to find it. What she doesn't know is that she will only find stress heartache and hardship. However, until she moves out, the dream is only a dream. when she moves out the dream becomes a nightmare.
Absolutely true. Marky, you are in the difficult part right now. You are letting HER determine how YOU will feel and how the relation will play out.
Get a Life means that YOU need to start looking at who you really are, the man you were when you met your wife. Not how much money you made, but how you felt, acted and what your confidence level was. You were her hero.
Be that man. Go to the 'makingherhappy' web site and subscribe to the free e-mail list there. He has a daily insightful mailing about being a man, and what women really want from men. And it ain't 'money'.
Get 'The Way of the Superior Man' by David Deida. Read it twice.
The next steps are all about YOU regaining YOUR self esteem and YOUR confidence. It isn't about HER at all. She has her own mess.
And I guarantee you that OM is just a symptom. A loser. Most men do not want a woman with kids. It impacts their freedom. And most importantly, NO REAL MAN PURSUES A MARRIED WOMAN.
I absolutely agree with the article on romantic infidelity. At the same time, I have a sneaking suspicion that it will work out a bed of roses for my H and OW. He will do anything to succeed in this. I just can't believe that it will fizzle out, though I pray it does. Maybe if he leaves and they live together, reality will hit. Just waiting for him to leave.
At my W's request, I took a few minutes to visit my D&S today. They had been asking to see me. Also, it was the first day of my W's class toward her new career move. I must admit, it was great to hear the excitement in her voice about things moving forward. I think she has felt that she has not had an identity for some time and now she is finding it.
With what has happened over these last 6 weeks, I have determined that we were totally co-dependent on each other for happiness. She was waiting for me to "fix" the finances and I was waiting for her to show me some affection. A M must be about supporting each other in a loving way for family, career and life itself.
I shared my perspective that we should have been supportive of each other and she said that we just let the finances get out of hand. I must admit that a calm has come over me since I saw and spoke to her before. I don't know if it is because I see her moving on and I am letting go or this could be the start of a positive foundation for us later. One thing is for certain is that the old M could not work with each being so co-dependent.
There is still a tremendous lack of trust and resentment toward me that may or may not heal with time. She may feel that this new feeling of independence and excitement is enough of a reason to want a D to break free from me once and for all.
So I have decided that I will support her career move in any way I can. My hope is that being supportive and loving will give her an appreciation of what we did have when things were good between us. I am hopeful that she will slowly come back to a place where she looks at me as a friend and her biggest supporter.
I am still the one she chose to marry and have a family with. That bond and my loving support will, if nothing else, make her final decision to D a little bit tougher. I have to believe that keeping our family together must take some hard thought instead f rushing for D court.
I want her to see that the OM is no longer necessary since she is starting to stand on her own feet and he was nothing more than a band-aid. The OM is definitely still in the picture and that may still need to run it's course but I will not push her that way by my attitude.
I am the one she should be with and I have no intention of giving her any further reasons to want a D. I still must do what is best for me and become the man I should be for myself.
This is just so new and difficult especially with the kids involved. I want to see them so badly but I do not want to be in her face all the time. She keeps calling me to talk with the kids and stop by if I can to see them.
DBing means making myself a better person so that maybe our spouse will recapture what was lost. I love my W enough to let her go but I will not give up our family. I must persevere.
Me: 41 W: 40 D5, S4 Bomb Dropped: 7/8/2007 Status: W has moved out with kids 8/25/2007
Now I think you see the 'truth'. She needs to feel in control of her life and her identity which has all been the kids for so long. It's not about OM, it's not about finances.
You will be a better person, and as you 'man up' you'll be the kind of man she needs.
I am reading "The Way of The Superior Man" and it is a good read. What I don't understand is how do the techniques described help me with my W if she has already left? I see that it is about building confidence but she left because I was not the "man" she wanted to stay with. What can I do for her since she has left accept be supportive of her career and be the best father to my D&S?
Me: 41 W: 40 D5, S4 Bomb Dropped: 7/8/2007 Status: W has moved out with kids 8/25/2007
I am reading "The Way of The Superior Man" and it is a good read. What I don't understand is how do the techniques described help me with my W if she has already left? I see that it is about building confidence but she left because I was not the "man" she wanted to stay with. What can I do for her since she has left except be supportive of her career and be the best father to my D&S?
You need to realize that by doing all these things you are becoming 'attractive' to her. It is by changing how you interact with her and how you feel about yourself that you'll push her 'attraction' buttons. They're biological and right now she is in a 'biological' endorphin high from OM because HE pushed those buttons.
Except HE won't last. He's a fantasy, a made up life. It's all based on a lie. He's just getting his Ego points and when she starts laying the day to day crap with kids and other issues on him, he's going to bail.
You, on the other hand, are going to be the consistent, predictable rock. Not a doormat, but a real man.
I also suggest going to David Cunninghams site, his blog actually at blog.makingherhappy.com and on the right sidebar he has two free e-books. one on 'break up busting' and one on 'what women really want'. Both are good, and I thinkyou would get a lot of insight by reading his blog, and subscribe to his free e-mail list.
Fellow DB'ers...I have been thinking about my situation day and night(as most do here). If you have read my thread you know my story and the financial mess I created. You are also aware that my W gave up(emotionally) on our M months ago and has since started to pursue OM.
The question I have been asking myself again and again is:"Do I want my W back because I WANT her or I NEED her? I really think my answer is that I NEED her back(THIS IS NOT THE RIGHT REASON)!!
We get so used to having this person in our lives that when they are gone, either emotionally or physically, we scramble to figure out WHY? Then we can go so low as to humiliate ourselves by crying, pleading and stating "I can change". Since when did our H/W get to decide if we are meeting all of THEIR needs while they do nothing for us??
I for one will not allow myself to NEED my W with me. I have made mistakes but I am a good H and F and I will not let my WAW make me feel less than worthy of her love or my children's.
I also have enough self-respect that I will not be the "fall back" when her new R blows up.
I WILL BECOME THE MAN I KNOW I CAN BE!!!
Me: 41 W: 40 D5, S4 Bomb Dropped: 7/8/2007 Status: W has moved out with kids 8/25/2007
