That is simply not the case. You can literally, literally STOP YOURSELF FROM FEELING BAD.
This is complete and utter nonsense. This general idea has been bandied about on this board some much it has become gospel. What you can do is ratchet down your expectations, put out of your mind any desire for a better M, better sex, better anything. Instead focus on the here and now and forget that you ever tasted of the forbidden fruit. Yeah, that can make you feel better, until you remember how things used to be. Other kinds of brainwashing can make you feel better too. Is that what this is all about?
Ah. I see. You are jumping. You want her to BE a certain way, so you can FEEL a certain way.
I prefer to think of it as not wanting to ratchet down my expectations in order to meet her lower standards of EC.
I'm not so sure you want connection as much as you want the feeling.
I don’t know how you can have feelings without connection, unless you revert to the brainwashing exercise.
My point is this. You can choose to NOT give that negative emotion YOUR power. If you don't feed it, it WILL go away. That is independent action YOU CAN TAKE, regardless of what she does or does not do.
Yes, I can actively choose to capitulate.
… So when she doesn't cooperate, and you aren't getting what you want (to not feel bad), you THINK she is the one with the power over YOUR emotions.
She is the one who has the power of choice in how she responds to my actions (just as I have choice in making my actions). Were I still single, I would just go fishing until I found someone who responded as I like. I do not have that option, so I am not stuck with either accepting her responses at what I consider to be a suboptimal level or not. If not, then it goes back to her to leave her response as it is or change it. She is also stuck in this marriage in that she cannot fish around for other initial actions.
So what is the fair outcome? Is it fair that I shift my actions and desires to meet her needs, without her changing her reactions or needs? Is the reverse fair? I think neither is right because resentment can build. The only fair outcome is compromise of both actions and the ratcheting up or down of expectations.
Once YOU have taken control of YOUR emotion, she is out of the loop.
How is this so, if her response does have an affect on my emotion, and it is my emotion that is at the core of the issue (as well as her emotion)? What you propose is complete detachment and little more than a reversion to single living. There is no connection, no consideration of one another. She does her thing. I do mine. If we happen to cross paths, great, if not too bad. I know that can’t be your idea of a family.
I understand that this may be how it has to be, but as I stated before, it is not an optimal state, but a choice to accept the lesser of two evils. I can accept that. This is the real world after all. So maybe what we have is a disconnect over definitions. If I define a truly connected, interdependent relationship in which the needs of both people are fully met and acknowledged (without the baggage of enmeshment) as a level 10 relationship, then is what you propose something less that 10, say a 7? But that 7 is still better then not driving your own ship (ie, not detaching), which would otherwise result in an even lower level, say a 5? If so, then your proposal is to not wallow at a level 5, but detach and move to level 7, knowing it is still not as good as a 10, right? What I think gets lost on the many posts here is that there is a difference between your proposed level 7 and the “optimal” level 10. Too many times it seems discussions ignore this difference and seem to treat the level 7 as if it were as good as a level 10. What I have been arguing for the past few weeks is that there is difference.
Try it. Seriously. Don't believe me... do it yourself. \:\)
And if you do it right, you are going to have a big empty space of pure opportunity, and it's going to kind of shock you... 'now what do I do/feel?' often comes to mind.
I don’t know… I do plenty of the get-a-life thing, doing my own detaching to deal with her detaching. I’ve not encountered any sort of shock over pure opportunity.
Why do you think it is so easy for me to piss off newcomers? Because they LET me. And they don't even realize it.
Partly. Partly because they are new to this relationship, differentiation, detachment, FOO thing, they are still in denial, they don’t even know there is such as thing as a hot button, much less what their buttons are, who knows what else… They see hope slipping out of their grasp. It scares them. Sure they let you piss them off, but they are also clinging tightly to an ideal, trying to get back to that level 10. When told that this is simply not possible, and part of the reason is due to them, well, of course they get mad. So is it a matter of them not having learned to recognize and then control their reactivity (this letting you piss them off), or is it a matter of not having yet ratcheted down their expectations?
