Growing up is hard to do

[peaceful_spirit]

I'm doing much better today. I called H's C. To set the context, I found this C for him. I had the initial conversation with her, and at her suggestion attended his first session with him. She has also suggested that I keep up periodic contact with her.

So, this week I was struggling so much with what to do, how to move forward, meds, no meds, etc... So, I went to see her. I am at least clear on what my next steps are.

She asked me about H's family and said she didn't get a good sense from him. So, I told her. She wasn't surprised that H didn't have emotionally available parents. She basically said everything I've been thinking... that H didn't have any guidance growing up, that he didn't have enough limits growing up, that he learned at a young age to bury pain and not feel things.

Here's an interesting point... I told her how H was when we met... caring, sensitive, thoughful, very in love with me, etc... she was at first surprised. But then she said that what happens is that in someone like this, when they meet someone and fall in love, it brings a lot of those emotions to the surface... those feeling. But after a while, the R is not enough. She said that he needs to find it within himself.

She said that he's a self soother. He gets uncomfortable with any pain or thoughts that might hurt, so he finds ways to sooth it away. She siad he's like a child who is acting out.

She warned me that this is a long road. She does feel he's being honest with her. She said that she will continue to impress upon him that if he doesn't fix this, he WILL lose me. She wants to make sure he gets the consequence.

As for my role, she said that I need to start holding him accountable for things without being a mother. She said when he's not engaged with the family, I need to make sure he gets engaged. I need to make sure he's pulling his weight. Basically, h needs to learn how to grow up. And if he can't grow up, he'll lose his family.

She told me that if I don't see significant improvements in him in 6 months, then I need to seriously consider getting out. But in the meantime, to let it go so I'm not constantly swaying back and forth on what to do.

As for the meds, this was interesting. First she said that Depakote actually subdues people. So, that's not what I want to see in H. She said that in bi-polar, people get manic out of nowhere. With H, he does these things to self sooth. It doesn't come out of nowhere. Therefore she doesn't believe he does them out of mania, but more out of pain avoidance. She doesn't want him to be on any meds right now, becuase she wants to get at his true emotions. She doesn't want anythign supressed by medication. Then down the line, she will think about what she'd recommend. But frankly, she sees him on an AD rather than a bi-polar med. Wow, this stuff is very tricky.

Frankly, there's not one thing she said about what she's observed in H that I disagreed with. She hit the nail on the head to a tee. So, I feel like I'm just going to follow her direction. That will keep me from spinning so much between the psych, my therapist, her, etc... When it comes to H, I am putting her in control of his mental health. And I am goign to do my part in holding him accountable for being a grown up.

She did suggest that H sign a release for the psych to call her to discuss.

She said that what I've overcome and how I faced my anxiety when H left is amazing. She said that it's really something to be proud of and that I've clearly flourished. It was so nice to hear that. It reminded me that this whole thing was a necessary part of my journey to get to a more stable place in my own life.

So, she thinsk that H does not want to lose me and the kids. But is he willing to do the hard work that is necessary to get through this? That is the question.

Now that I have a direction... a path... I am feeling more clear. I am taking some of this burden off of me and putting it onto her. She is the professional. And now that I am thinking more clearly, I can detach and focus more on me.

Thanks for all your support over the past few days. It helped me to know that so many people care.