GD I personally think you did AWESOME! Good for you. DO NOT FEEL GUILTY.
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
I'm pretty happy with everything myself, considering. It's too bad that she's at a place where she believes I'm trying to punish her. In a way, she is kind of being punished (financially) for leaving, but it is simply a consequence of her choice to leave. It isn't vindictive on my part -- it is purely a business decision.
OT,
Good points. You're very correct in that I'm throwing money at her in exchange for her feelings. It is a moral issue with me in that I don't want her to be financially in the dumps, and I feel this way because of how poorly I treated her at times throughout the M. I know that money can't pay for this, but I do feel bad that I'm set financially and she is not. You're probably right that I should set up the legal stuff in a purely business-like fashion, and then if I want to, provide for her under my moral obligations when I feel it is the "right" thing to do. However, I feel like it is still controlling for me to more or less say, "I'll help you if/when I think I should."
Great job on the convo, but don't give her crap unless you want to for you. She will become dependant on it and then when you have a new life you will get sick of helping her out and when you find a "special lady friend" she won't appreciate it all that much either. It's just another connection point, I think my W is heading in the same way, she thinks she can keep getting things from me as a H but not play her role as a W, M doesn't work that way.
All I can tell you is that your feelings will change. Atlas is correct. You are still trying to be a good husband.
You are not her husband in anything other than a legal sense.
Go for a legal settlement. Wait six months or a year after D and then start thinking about your responsibility for her post-D life.
I've never seen ANYONE, WAS or LBS get more generous as time passes. This isn't because they are evil, but because they get less attached to their financial role in someone elses life when that someone else is not in their life.
The courts will watch out for the kids interests.
You watch out for your interests. Like I said, you can always choose to be more generous, but wait until you are in a settled place to make those choices.
Your W is sleeping with OM, living with OM, taking care of OM's kids, f*cking OM. She is not your W. Quit acting like her H.
I hear what you're saying, and just want to make sure you know that W didn't leave me for OM -- she began dating him 4 months after the separation and 2 months after I filed for D. She wasn't cheating on me, really, and I don't think either of us see it as an A. I know this doesn't change the fact that she is with someone else and not with me, but it does cause me to not see her R as one of the factors that contributed to the breakdown of our M. You're right though -- need to quit acting like an H. I'm getting better at it real fast, but will keep working on it.
GD - I think you handled it well. It is an understatement to say "Heck, I'm still helping her out quite a bit," and that includes what you have done for her and what you said you would do for her. I agree with OT in that you shouldn't make any of this part of the D settlement. Get that down to what it has to be. If you want to do more later, you can. DOn't make other promises now, because you may have to go back on them like you did on the house (which I was the right thing to do, in case that wasn't clear).
Hope you're well buddy. It sounds like it.
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
The timing of the R is irrelevant to my comments. Notice that the only reason you would think it relevant would be if you were tying the financial legal agreement to emotional matters about who done who wrong.
This is what is relevant to the legal agreement: what is legal minimum that is reasonable to pursue (*legally* reasonable)
However, since you brought it up, given that OM is not really someone who interferred in your R, it might help to switch to calling him her BF. He really isn't an OM because there is no romantic triangle.
Some people call a legally divorced spouses new girlfriend/boyfriend OP SEVERAL YEARS DOWN THE LINE AFTER D. (Something to avoid, unproductive stuckness..)
Wait a minute, this is news. If you divorce your husband you don't get the benefits of being married to him? You don't get to use his bank account for everything you want? When did this happen?
I'm sorry your just finding this out, apparently it is a fairly common mistake. In fact, my W seems to have the same idea. I'm thinking of creating a seminar and traveling the country teaching this to WAS, it could be called "What you get, since you don't get it!"
