"I used something like it to successfully negotiate finishing the staining/finishing. I guess it all boiled down to a feeling of respect. I felt like he was disrepecting me, while he felt like I was just blowing it off. I think we understand each other a little better .."
!!Wow, I bet that felt great!!
Anyway, the Anne Katherine book is kind of like 5LL to me in these respects:
1) Kind of overly simplistic, but core ideas are amazingly helpful 2) Illustrations/exercises (even if done just mentally) very effective 3) Background religious stuff best ignored (for me) 4) Short easy read THAT SINKS IN
Anyway, in a slightly snooty way I guess I'd say "powerful stuff very well-communicated despite its pop-psych religiously-charged simplisitc presentation"
It was definitely very helpful for me, especially in bringing out all the different kinds of boundary issues there are -- too close, too far, too strict, too flexible, etc...
Its funny, but when I am able to get in a firm state of mind and state clearly that I am unhappy or dissatisfied with something, he backs off quite readily. The problem is that in a very short time, the boundary is tested again as if there was no understanding from before. That's when I get pissed and I usually withdraw because I'm afraid of my anger.
Sounds like the book you recommend might be just the thing to get me back into reading like I should.
Chrome
Last edited by chromosphere; 08/29/0704:54 PM.
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
"Its funny, but when I am able to get in a firm state of mind and state clearly that I am unhappy or dissatisfied with something, he backs off quite readily."
It is amazing how appealing and effective directness is in just about any R.
Chrom I will say, that for now, using a condom with extra lubrication does shorten the entry time by about half.
BB and I used Astroglide, it was better than KY products. Then I read a women's forum where too tight was a problem and the tight women had some success with silicone lubes. The silicone lobe worked better than Astroglide. I bought ID Millennium silicone lube from a local store.
There are polyurethane male and female condoms
Condoms come ready lubricated to make them easier to use. Some people also like to use additional lubrication. Any lubricant can be used with male or female polyurethane condoms. If you are using a male latex condom, you should never use oil-based products (such as body oils, creams, lotions or petroleum jelly) as a lubricant. This is because they can damage the latex and make the condom more likely to split. Some ointments can also damage latex. If you are using medication in the genital area (for example, creams, pessaries or suppositories) ask your doctor, nurse or pharmacist if it will affect latex condoms.
About paying your FIL, I wasnt thinking about paying him carpenters wages. If he wanted to work for half the going rate and pay cash is what I had in mind.
If you are trading work, that is good too as long as he gets something HE wants.
I think Cobra's idea about your FIL feelings need to be considered because he is not employed is something you should give more thought and actions towards.
When I wasn't at work due to my medical situation, I wasn't feeling very secure.
Some people use being off work to their advantage. Me I feel lost.
Thanks DIY for all the links. I have been using Astroglide, and it seems to work pretty well. I may check some other things out if I get a chance.
Yeah, I'm trying to be sypathetic to FIL AND maintain boundaries, and we already know I'm piss poor at boundaries. I sometimes worry I'm going overboard, when I'll bet I'm not even close to having as hard a boundary as most people.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
What do you think is behind this Chrome? Why would you be afraid of your own strong emotions?
Because my dad used to get really angry all the time and beat the sh!t out of me and my brothers, and sometimes I feel this really intense rage well up inside me to the point where I can't think straight at all, and I'm a big guy and could really hurt someone if I lost control, even if I wasn't meaning to hurt that person. I know this probably sounds stupid, but I don't want to be my father. I know its not the same, he used to get mad when we would laugh out loud because he wanted quiet. I won't do that, but I don't ever want to lose control like he did.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
What you say isn't stupid to me at all it makes complete sense.
In my case it wasn't even getting beaten it was just the fear of my fathers uncontrollable rage that I was only the focus of vary rarely. I remember thinking "I don't want to be like him".
Just think about it for a bit, it was pretty big thing for me to understand.
What your talking about was I think at the centre of my being a "nice guy".
FWIW, I'd prefer most any lube to Astroglide which is sticky, not very effective, dries pretty quickly, and is just kind of yuck. Silicone lubes can be nice. Polyurethane condoms more comfortable than latex and conduct heat better. Definitely worth the investment from the perspective of the woman's enjoyment for higher end condoms and lubes... A decent sex shop may have (not-free) samples of both so you can try a variety.
And that's why I became a "nice girl". I didn't want to be a raging, verbally abusive maniac like my mother. So, I end up married to a man with a bad temper and I tried to control his anger too because I didn't want my kids to experience that. Just recently it occurred to me that part of the reason I'm so happy he is gone is that I was actually kind of afraid of him. Maybe I'm just a wimp but it's kind of scary when a man breaks a wooden counter top and calls you a c*nt. Kind of might make you back down from enforcing whatever boundary you were working on at the moment. Well, anyway, I'm sure I did him no favors with my crybaby behavior. Besides, now I'm free to date kindergarten teachers and men who chuckle when they drop air conditioners from second floor windows.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
