I agree wholeheartedly. Desire is a choice. Love is a choice. To add to that - inaction IS an action. For those who are in situations where they are choosing not to act - remember that. Also remember that if your SO isn't acting on something - it isn't that they forgot. Where YOU go from there is all up to you.
Wow MJ - you have come a long way. I admire that. I am currently choosing to love without desire and to act on only those things in the R that require my attention - appreciate what needs appreciating and indicate lack of appreciation for crappy actions. My participation is minimal and for several reasons that suits me right now.
To add to that - inaction IS an action. For those who are in situations where they are choosing not to act - remember that. Also remember that if your SO isn't acting on something - it isn't that they forgot. Where YOU go from there is all up to you.
So true.
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Wow MJ - you have come a long way. I admire that. I am currently choosing to love without desire and to act on only those things in the R that require my attention - appreciate what needs appreciating and indicate lack of appreciation for crappy actions. My participation is minimal and for several reasons that suits me right now.
Here's something that might amuse you guys. Recently NG suggested that we might have a date where we didn't have sex and my reaction was to think that it was kind of sweet and kind of a good idea. - lol . So, I hereby resign my status as HD individual. When you label me you negate me etc. etc. Except maybe I'll label myself (quite optimistically) DBD which shall stand for "differentiated beyond drive" (I wonder what would be appropriate attire for a "no sex" date? Maybe something floral with a lot of buttons? Suggestions welcome.)
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Who are you taking out on no sex date night? Bunny?
Well, it pretty much has to be some mix of Bunny and non-sexual Monkey. I'm not really sure that it's going to happen. When he made the suggestion, I laughed and said "Okay, but I think we're going to have to come up with some rules." and I was thinking "No touching. No sitting on the sofa together. Etc." and he said "We could flip a coin." The thing is the last few times we've gone out we've made plans for the evening and we keep ending up in bed right after dinner at the latest. The other thing is he's somebody who is intelligent and thinks about sex and relationships and acts on his thoughts. Basically, I'm just choosing to ride curious in this relationship at the moment.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I would suggest that you dress as absolutely as sexually provocative as you can.
LOL- No, I prefer to challenge myself, not him. I find it kind of intriguing that I can't quite imagine how the evening would go. Besides, I could always just say "No" to the concept if I didn't like the idea.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Actually, I'm kind of getting sick of the whole HD/LD schemata. i don't think of my 2bx as LD anymore. I think of him as "a man who chose not to f*ck or make love to me very often" as well as "a man who chose to quit jobs quite frequently" and "a man who chose to drink a lot of beer" and "a man who chooses not to pay child support." Which is why I choose not to be married to him. There's no way in heck I would date his clone if he showed up on Match.com and posted a halfway honest profile.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
In a mature relationship, desire is an action not a feeling.
This may be true for LD's. but I don't think this always applies to HD people. My DESIRE is activated many times a day, and I do absolutely NOTHING to get there. Just the sight of a beautiful woman will AUTOMATICALLY create desire. It is not a feeling, it is not an action, it is a chemical boost to the body. I have NEVER had to act my way to desire.
What is there to respond to you? If you are as absolutely predictable in your marriage as you are on this board then it is no wonder you get an absolutely predictable R. You don't get a woman with "juice" in her responses to you because you are so stale yourself. Once again Cemar - ANYONE can be LD and ANYONE can be HD. It isn't a permanent condition. It isn't a personality trait. Your W doesn't wear a scarlet LD on her blouse (although it would be great if she had so you wouldn't have married her and that would have your problem solved right there). You have yourself painted into a corner. Give yourself and her a break by doing or thinking something, anything different.
I have become rather fond of your responses Cemar. They point out to me some of the errors in my own thinking. Please don't see me as weilding a 2x4 but rather as attempting to crank your eyes open a little wider.
