My ride on the Roller Coaster called WAW Hell

[Heimlich]

HELLO!!!!!. EVER HEARD OF COFFEE?

[Steel_Box]

Coffee Hell... I had RED BULL!! To no avail. That whole ... it gives you wings thing... nope. It was probably a blessing in disguise, they got back in at about 8am.

[Heimlich]

Damn, I'd love to be that young again -- for about a week.

Alright, I'll cut you some slack. You DID run a triathlon after all.

BD

[Steel_Box]

No slack necessary, I was beating myself up when I watched them all walk out and decided to stay and go to bed. In my defense the other two guys that ran the race also crashed, and they are both younger and single! (I was able to laugh because they were both asleep by the time everyone else left)

[PhD_ChrisD]

Best of luck with such a dubiously distinct anniversary! It amazes me that such a short time can feel so long. Hang in there, my friend, and keep fighting the good fight!

My Pastor told me something last night that really stuck with me. He said that God hates divorce. It is good to know that God is on our side in this struggle.

Best,
--Chris

[Steel_Box]

I have been DBing and working on making a better R & M with my W. Everything came to a head in April of this year, at which point there was the ILYBINILWY, PA w/ coworker, etc. We separated and she got a condo in early June. She did not stay there until July and even then only a couple of nights. About 1-1/2 months ago W's attitude turned around from "maybe someday I'll look back and regret this" to asking me if I would be willing to go to counseling with her, and obviously trying to work to improve our R. It has been a rocky road and a rollercoaster but some definite improvements have happened. We talk more openly about things that bother us. (more about things that bother her, since I am still DBing and keeping a lot of my complaints to myself.)

However, amongst all this good there is still bad. Despite asking me to go to counseling on July 16th she has still not made an appointment. In discussion in July she brought up idea to quit current job so that she could be home more for kids and to work on M with me. I have seen no effort on this, and she seems to be sliding back into her old travel routine and has talked about ideas and plans for next Feb. To my knowledge PA ended in June but she is still in contact with OM (phone, text, email - This is confirmed, not suspected). I saw a text the other day saying that she wanted to set it up so they could get together. I would like to give the benefit of the doubt and think that this is so she could end the A, but I just can't convince myself.

So here is my dilemma, I have considered handling this in a couple of different ways.

1.Sit back and continue my current Db route of acting as if nothing is going on behind my back and that I am trying to improve me and thereby us. All the while holding in my knowledge and letting it slowly eat away at me from the inside. This method has gotten me this far, but I am wearing thin and am starting to lose my resolve and question whether this is really what I want. I know I want my W, just not under these circumstances/conditions, and I don't see an end in sight without some sort of catalyst.

2.Approach her and tell her that I know that she has things that she is still trying to work through and that I am here for her. (I have told her this before and she seemed appreciative that I understood, however she has yet to open up about much of anything and still gets very defensive when ever her job or OM comes up) In the process of this discussion ask her if she needs to see OM and end this. If that is what she needs, ask her to do it and use the credit from the cancelled vacation that she had planned with him and it won’t even cost her anything. (The trip was cancelled because our court date wound up being set in the middle of it. She doesn’t know that I even know about the trip) My thought is that this is both a give and take in that it shows me being big enough to not try and control what she does, and it also shows the unbelievable patience I have had in light of the pain she has dealt out and is not even aware of. BTW the trip was booked for them to spent 5 days at the beach over Father's day weekend (Nice huh!)

3.Call her to the mat. Lay it out there and start flat out asking for some GD answers. She says she wants to work on this fine. Call OM and end it. No more contact-NONE. Make a MC appointment and start showing some REAL effort not just the superficial niceties on the surface. Time to start asking & answering questions, the hard questions. If not fine, but I’m tired of this pretending to work, cake eating, have it all while my H and children suffer, keep everyone in limbo for my selfish needs BS.

Obviously the third will be the least favorable by most here, but I also see benefits in it. Each has its good and bad to varying degrees.

I would love to get input from everyone especially any WAWs that are around.

Thanks
Steel_Box

[Heimlich]

Steel,

My quick take on this, all 3 are viable options -- which one do YOU want to do?

If you need to have her come clean on the A and are ready to accept that she might leave over it, then some combo of 2 and 3 seem to be the best approach: you've got to end it. If you need to see him face to face to do that. Fine. If you don't end it, our M is over. I know we both made mistakes, and that I bear responsiblity, blah, blah, DB, DB, validate, validate, etc., etc.

My guess is that door number 1 will eat you alive and make you feel used, which will ultimately lead you to bitterness towards your W.

I haven't seen anywhere in DBing where you have to stay patient/accept your spouses A continuing. Obviously, some do, and I tip my hat to all of you who have done so. For others, that is just not an option.

So, Steel, what feels right for you?

BD

[Steel_Box]

Nothing feels right

I'm somewhere between 2 and 3. I know that DBing has gotten me to this point but I also assumed when she told me she wanted to go to counseling and wanted to work on us that it meant that she had ended the A. Well we know what we get when we ASSuME right.
I can feel the resentment growing inside as I begin to feel used and taken advantage of. Whether it is her intent or not it is starting to feel like I am being strung along for her security.

I know that my PMA has suffered and is lacking lately. The bad part is that in the beginning I was motivated and angry. I was angry at her for the A. Then when she seemed to turn the corner and want to start working on things I was cautiously happy. Now I am neither, I am sullen and angry with myself for getting sucked back in so easily. For allowing my vulnerabilities to the surface so they could be harpooned and drug on deck for slaughter.

I try to tell myself that she is confused and that she is trying to work her way through the fog. I try to convince myself that she really is trying and that it is a gradual thing. I try to tell myself the things that everyone here has told me, and the things that worked and helped earlier. It just seems that my armour has gotten thicker, the things that were working are no longer effective.

Maybe I am just to close to the fire and can't feel the heat anymore. I don't know.
Maybe its just a slump

[Atlas]

Steel,

I agree with Heimlich. It's what you want that matters. Do you want a M with W, do you want answers, etc. Think about the consequences of each of the actions, if the consequences are what you want then do it.

I totally understand how you feel, my W yoyo's and as soon as I'm done and over with she brings me right back in. I understand how you feel used. The deal is you decide how to feel though, easier said then done. But work on getting that ducks back.

[Steel_Box]

Thanks Atlas. I will work on the duck's back.
I guess the difficulty lies in that I want a M with W, AND answers.

Whether or not it is resonable or possible shouldn't matter ITS WHAT I WANT!! (I thought I'd give it a try since it seems to work for the WAS )

Steel