hey guys!! I don't get here as often as I should and am really unsure where I should be posting. If you have read my sitch before then you know my road- My H is in therapy and is trying but I do keep catching him in lies and I am just getting to the point to where I was happier without him and this mess in my life. I am ready to walk away. I don't feel "in love anymore" I am questioning whether I even feel love.After all the lies it is hard to believe him with anything- I mean it's just small things that he has no reason to even lie about. Also his supposed to be Ex ow keeps popping up so she throws out things here and there and then I ask him and he lies, then I find out the truth a few days later and this time he swears it's the truth etc... I am just rambling I know but I am so at my wits end here.
Today his ex ow told me she had called him at work and they talked about one of my H's employees that was just killed in a car wreck. I had asked him if she had called him he said no, swore on the bible, swore on our kids swore on our marriage etc.. Looked me dead in the eye and lied. then I told him Iknew b/c she told me - he said oh yeah she called but blah, blah, etc... I mean why lie? the therapists has even told him he is going to have to be 150% honest with me about anything for this to work
I am ready to walk away. Not leave my kids but I can't handle these lies anymore. How much doI have to keep standing beside him and he keeps swearing this time is different just one more chance. my life is wasting while I stress about this and he just floats through- so it seems.
Hope this makes sense but I am soooo ready to just be on my own- I was truly happier that way- no worrying about his cheating, lying.
Do I cut my loses now or tough it out for the kids?
I am not happy in my M at all.
Lisa
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
Hi Lisa. Sorry to hear you are going through BS with this guy. Seems like he has done nothing to work through things.
You asked:
Quote:
Do I cut my loses now or tough it out for the kids?
That is hard to answer. I have seen cases where people stay together, are miserable and the kids suffer. I have seen the opposite. I have seen divorces where things are bad and others, like mine, where we can have a happy albeit diiferent type of family. Only you can answer that. But under no circumstances should be lied to or treated poorly. And I do tend to think that if you are unhappy, it will translate into unhappiness for your children. Can't say that for sure. Perhaps you need to talk to a professional about this.
You have a dilema on your hands. As far as the love goes, it's a choice. I have read that the reconciliation phase can take as long as two years, but I've not experienced it so I can't offer much. The only thing I can offer is a a D'd Dad, sharing custody of my kids, it sucks. Your contact with B will not end, the influences of others in your kids lives will be out of your control and the people you may end up in a relationship with, will have issues of their own.
I have only found the greener grass where I have cultivated it, I haven't found it from a new R partner, YET. Am I better off? I think so, my XW exihibited no effort toward the M, she simply ran.
For you and B I don't think giving up is a solution. I understand your frustrations, but there is effort on his part. Try not to let the few negatives outway the positive. From what I've learned, the WAS will oscillate between behaior patterns initially. It is only with time and encouragement, that they will leave the addictive nature of the affair behind. I suggest you tell B exactly what you have told us. Let him read the post. He is nearing his last chance to get "clean". See how he responds.
You have many followers on the BB, I'm sure you will get more responses.
Been wondering how you've been. I know when your quite, your mind is working.
Use all of your DBing skills to restore your M. I believe it to be the best for everyone.
I am so sorry that your husband hasn't held up his end of the deal. I saw that you revised your "status" on myspace so I thought something might be up.
His blatant lying isn't at all surprising. My husband does the same thing and it is the most insulting behavior I can imagine. It sends the message that your husband thinks he is smarter than you, that he can pull the wool over your eyes again and again, and you will continue to tolerate it.
I feel like we are at the same place in our respective relationships. I have decided to move on and it feels so freeing. I feel disappointed in myself that I am giving up on my marriage but, let's be honest, my husband gave up quite some time ago. I think that you owe it to your children to be the best that you can be, and it sounds like that might be easier to accomplish without him.
It sucks and still feels terrible knowing that my marriage is ending, but, in the end, I know that I will be happy and much better off not always having to question and wonder where/what/who my husband is doing. I want my boys to grow up learning to trust people and they won't be able to do that if I am still in this marriage where I can't trust anything my spouse says.
It is a personal decision, and one that you have to make for yourself but I hope you can take some comfort in my situation/decision and know that I wish you nothing but the best.
I'm sorry to hear that things are not going as well as you had hoped. However, as Steve says, it is early days yet. From what I understand, he is in therapy. How often does he go? Have you met with the T? Has the T given you any indication of how long this will take? I think that these are important points to consider. Read Peaceful Spirit's latest thread - Growing Up. She posted about a talk she had w/ her H's psych. I think you need to do something like this - with B's permission, of course.
Lisa, this is NOT going to be easy. It is going to take several months or even a year or so, I think, before you really feel comfortable with B and your M. It is going to be hard for B to be totally honest w/ you b/c it's just not his way of doing things. I'm not saying that it's okay, but just that it's normal.
I would strongly suggest that you meet w/ his T, either with or w/o him, and find out what the prognosis is, so that you can make an informed decision.
Much love, Nicola
Life isn't about finding yourself; it's about creating yourself My thread: Trusting God's Plan
Lisa not standing up for B and his lies but it may just be that he deosn't want to hurt you anymore and he knows the truth will. I agree with Nic you do need to speak to his T if possible. you need to be involved in his rehabilitation. At the end of the day that is exactly what this is.
Me 43 XH 45 M 2.7.88 Divorce 7.10.09 Kids D20,S17 & D15
Lisa, I had a friend who was a drug adict. she was my best friend really. I tried to help her. I flew to Philadelphia just to try to help her get her house together and help her kids get to camp. I also tried to get her to go into rehab. It almost worked but the day I flew back she decided not to go.
I was desperate to help her. SHe was NUTSO. Totallyt paranoid and crazy and everyone in her life, especially her kids, suffered from her addiction.
I called Narcanon and they told me I had to let her go--sink or swim. That the more I tried to "help" the more I was enabling her.
She finally really hit bottom, I mean in a big, bad way. Only then did she realize all she had lost (her kids were taken away from her, she had no money, she was taken advantage of terribly by some very low life guys). She got help finally. She has been sober for almost 4 years now, but it was hell. It took us a while to get our relationship back on a firm footing again too.
The point is, you cannot help him and in fact by trying you could be prolonging his problems. He needs to do this himself. I suggest going to or calling some addictions programs and getting advice.
I kicked him out...Not good for my kids... b/c I just let him back in but I am tired of the lies- I am happier without him I feel so bad - like I am just giving up but ... I am so scared , I am glad my kids aren't here now- I am breaking down. It will be for the best I know. I have to do this for me and the kids
Me:37 H:38 6 kids first bomb 8/05 (ow involved) piecing 7/06 second bomb 3/07 ow involved wash rinse repeat.... huge move to start over 2/11 more affairs H left for good 8/12
