Look at your actions, not your words. The actions you are taking are ones that you will know will increase the likelihood of D. So, you are acting so as to increasing the likelihood of D without also having to confront yourself and admit that is what you want. You get the D that you are --through your own actions-- effectively pursuing and you get to stay in your childhood comfort zone.
Now, if you took different actions... If you let go, took the actions to stay in the adult-growing-independent-GALing mode, then you would act to increase the chance of a decent R with H (whatever that might be), reduce the chance of D (insofar as that is in your control, which I don't think is very much), and you would be growing past the childhood comfort zone which in your case is a pretty tough place to be, not very comfortable at all in fact.
So, through your actions, it appears that you want a D but want to get it in a way that does not require you to admit that.
If that is the story, then some of it is pride, you want to hold onto being right, and some of it is the childhood stuff.
Take care of yourself Donna -- all parts of yourself. You can love you better than anyone else.
