"Do you think your H feels 'safe' or do you think he may be worried that what he say's might be used against him at some point in the future? Has that happened to him in the past?"
Saffie, Absolutely!!!! We have gone through this before and it was a nightmare for him.
My husband had a very short (1 month), EA with some "making out, but no sex" right after our second child was born (over 10 years ago). This was the "post-baby affair" which is one of the common times for men to have affairs because they feel displaced by the kids and all the attention they require. He ended it quickly (on his own before I even knew about it) but I went totally ballistic!!!! I threw him out of the house, ranted and raved, and made his life miserable for at least two years. I basically drilled and pounded out all the information, then made him feel like $hit about it.... so... the fact he doesn't want to give me details makes sense. He fears a situation like that occuring again.
This second affair was the MLC "exit affair." When it began, I realized something was going on. I think he felt guilty and trapped (and truly had been questioning the marriage prior to meeting OW), so he filed for divorce quickly. Technically, in some ways I can't call it a full-blown affair because the bulk of it occured after the divorce was filed.
Sara, My husband is "back." He finally realized he didn't want the divorce ($20K later) and stopped it. The thing with OW fizzled. She was married and lived in another state so the relationship was potentially doomed from the start. Although I may have had a part in destroying my husband's relationship with her because I did tell her husband about them. (That was an A-bomb!!!). I'm definitely piecing... mostly trying to fit together all the pieces of the puzzle that occured. This whole thing changed me dramatically. I think mostly in very good ways... but I worry that reconnecting (on my side) is difficult and I don't want to fall off that cliff again. Trying to stay strong... and trying to have a great marriage after all.
I don't want what happened after that first A to happen again. I definitely don't want to put him through that nor myself. It was difficult for everyone involved and my nuttiness and behavoir only made things worse. On the other hand. That was over 10 years ago. I was a very different person. A very young and idealistic wife. I do have a lot more understanding, I'm MUCH less selfish. If I thought not talking about it would help. I would do that, but I find sometimes, because I don't know certain details (how long, how deep, how it ended and why) will pop out and haunt me.
Manwithaheart, Yes, I think you are right. Sometimes you have to know, but at the same time it hurts and may take a long time to get over those details. I remember that first affair used to bother me. I had a lot of visual details (forced from husband!), but the nice thing is I can think about any of them now and they mean absolutely nothing. 10 years later it's like the first one didn't even happen. It really seems extremely remote.
Interestingly, this second A has been MUCH easier to get over than the first one. I was a raving lunatic back then!!!!
Well... I think I'll actually share some of these responses with my husband so he can realize how others have that need to know as well. He just can't understand why I can't let the whole thing go. It's soooo over according to him. I'll hide the names of the site and people because I don't want him to visit this site. He knows I go to a site with "people trying to get over infidelity and create strong marriages," but he has never actually seen it.
Anyhow, thanks for all your ideas and opinions. They do help tremendously. Just "discussing" this all makes me feel better.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
