Nomopo's Thread - Is something happening to me?

[Nomopo]

Ok. Back to trying to catch up.

Hi (again?) Puddle!

I think one really useful thing for me has been also having had a crush on someone and realizing even then that it had very little to do with that person, but everything to do with what I was missing in my R with DH. This knowledge (and empathy) helps me keep the focus off OW. I don't know why some people come to that conclusion while others see only stars in their eyes.

I haven't experienced this, but it is useful.

Detachment has been the hardest thing for me to understand. I think you can't control it, and you can't understand it until it has happened.

Oh gawd, I hate these hard-to-understand things. I understand what it is, but the how-to-get-there part that isn't about "getting" it drives me nuts. Too much thinking? Probably.

I don't think you can force it, but thinking about your sitch long and hard is part of the process. And the more you deal with it by thinking on it (as opposed to ignoring it), the faster you detach. Just my 2 cents, and this flies in the face of GALing and focusing on you, I think. But GALing and focusing on you helps put things in perspective while you're thinking on it. Weird, huh?

When I think about the list of things there are to work on in my M, then add to it the body blow my trust in and respect for DH has taken, it can be overwhelming.

This kind of thinking is what I believe has helped me step back/detach/think about moving on.

Maybe I can think less over the next few weeks. I'll be curious where things stand by October 1.

I'll be interested to hear how that goes, and your secret if it works!

Well, the sitch and W are by no means out of my mind, but it is pretty clear to me that I am thinking about everything a lot lot less.

Hi Donna! How are you!!

You know that your W is still thinking things through--she is still in counseling, which is a huge thing that I believe that all WASs need. Getting back to time and space seems to be the way to go, and I agree that letting her know about the change in you is important.[/quote}

I think you are probably right. She probably is still thinking things through - just not actively. On counseling, see my journal update later today. Some changes taking place there as W is going to see the JC on her own for a while, and I am not. Yes, my strategy currently is focus on me and kids (exclusively) as much as I can, continue to detach, but be as nice as I genuinely can in the interactions we do have.

[quote=Donna...Found]But this is the risk that we have to take.

On letting go, you are so right. Ewe posted a sitch (poohbear's I think) on my thread, and in that thread there is a post about a sermon on letting go that was very good. Check it out if you haven't.

I can't remember; were you up for a fall leaf-peeping tour of CT sometime in Oct?

Probably not. It's college football season so I have some trips planned.

Hi Sunny, my rock!

It was when *I* was fully ready to move on, to let H go, that he started to recommit

SD tells us what we're coming to learn ourselves.....WAS's take on a "dog like" quality where they sense fear, or that we're not fully letting go, even if it's incredibly subtle.

Following up your last session where your detachment was reveled with a trip away with the kids will give her a chance to imagine herself as the outsider. Someone not included in your life, and the possibility that you may even share it with another women at some point. I think a WAS doesn't do this until the focus gets away from thinking that you're safely on the shelf, if & when they should want you again.

Yes, I need to keep with the detachment, and not initiating contact. Hard in our agreed to form of S, and with the kids, but I will do my best. Of course, that won't be as good as you on this point (your natural strength!).

Keep up the great PMA Nomo, your picnic is attracting a lot of attention.

Trying to on the PMA, and as for the picnic attention, could be but only time will tell.

Hi Sara (we missed La Nouba - next time I hope), dlt1, walking cliche, SuperDad (sorry we missed you in FLA), CVA, Dustin and delia! Thanks for stopping by (again for many of you).

My balance isn't the greatest, so I expect many falls on either side.

This is a great way to put it. I struggle with the balance (walking that fine line) too.

And hi alk24 - don't think we've met before. Welcome to my world.

Hi GD old buddy!!! The break was (is?) good. Trip was great. Will try to journal later on communications with W over the last 10 days.

Hello Just_Me. It's been a while, but I always WELCOME anything you have to say to me. I hope you are well my friend.

You worried that maybe you'd ruin your chances if you truly reached the point of accepting the divorce, moving forward, and detaching completely. And you worried what would occur from the standpoint of your wife if that came out. And that too me says you are still too attached.

I agree. I am not fully detached. Rather, I have been detaching for a few weeks now, and I think the process continues. On a day-to-day basis, I think much much much less about my sitch, about my W (what she is doing, thinking, etc.) and about what I should do vis-a-vis her. But I do think about it at times. I am trying to put the focus on me and my kids, and the focus is more there than it has been at any time since 1/22/07. So, that is progress. But there is no doubt I have not fully detached or even detached as much as I think I need to. But, the thing is, I feel like this is pretty much happening, or at the very least started to happen, on its own, not by my conscious choice. My feelings/focus/etc. just changed or shifted. And I think it is good.

I guess I don't quite understand what you have been doing that is still holding on as opposed to what you fear will be different should you actually let go.

Great question. The main thing is obsessing about my sitch, my W, etc. most (if not all) of the time. This difference is that focusing on me, my kids, what I want/need for me and them, etc. is what is filling my mind more and more these days. Another thing is not trying so damn hard to influence my W. Obsessing about having interactions, making them positive, making them move us towards reconciliation, and gauging her every word and response. There is still some of that to be sure, especially gauging her responses when we do interact. I would like to keep those positive and friendly regardless of what happens. But I don't feel like I am walking on eggshells as much. Make sense?

If you keep having hope your wife will want to try or you keep your life on hold waiting just in case, does that increase your odds of success?

I get the feeling I am missing a very important lesson you are trying to teach me, but I think the answer is yes. Because if I truly detach, then I am leaving her in the past. And when that happens, I will be looking for my next R. (And pretty damn quick, I might add, as it has been a while since I have been intimate with anyone, or even felt affection from anyone.) And then that will decrease our chances or odds of success. Now, I am not looking for my next R because (1) I have not fully detached (but I feel I have moved and I am moving that way) and (2) right now W and I have agreed not to see other people, and I at least am honoring that agreement (despite temptations, I might add).

If your wife doesn't care if you still hold out hope, why does it matter if you do or don't?

I think it only matters in that if I hold out hope (or maybe better said, if I am still attached enough), I don't actively move to the next stage (or R?) of my life. If I am detached fully (or enough?), I start dating, looking, developing Rs.

My questions don't seem clear, but I often wonder what some people mean by "standing" when their spouse isn't even allowing them to do anything. It seems a lot like "standing still".

It is. And it stinks. I believe it is called limbo, especially if your WAS barely communicates with you about things. Somehow I feel like I have missed your point, so I hope you will come back again.

You should let go. You should be forging ahead. Does that mean you will never be back with your wife? No, it just means you accept that there is a good chance it won't happen. But that doesn't mean there is no chance. That decision has always been in your wife's hands whether you let go or hold on for dear life, she will do whatever she feels is best for her.

I agree with all of this, and I am letting go and forging ahead the best I can. It is an ongoing process. Frankly, if we didn't have these "agreements" in place about our S, I believe I would be actively looking to meet people on a daily basis. There is a (big) part of me that is ready for that. That is why I have been debating re-visiting the agreements? Any thoughts on that? (BTW, the one that I think will cause W (and, thus, me perhaps) the most stress is being public/open about our S. I am moving towards re-visiting the agreements, but planned to move slowly and think long and hard on it. I have the idea of a few weeks in my head for some reason (say through September).

Thanks J_M - great stuff. Come back to play some more, please.

Hey NDDT - good to hear from you man. Hope all is well.

Hi Sven. Thanks for keeping tabs on me.

I'll tell you too that I was EXACTLY where you are at - and I was able, as I absorbed, accepted, and even embraced the fact I was getting divorced, to get to a higher place and comfort and acceptance - it was at this point that I realized that I had detached. And it was like taking the air out of the balloon for both my W and myself. The comfort levels increase and we were able to interact far better than ever in our R - strange as that might seem or sound.

This is very valuable stuff. And when I say I am not fully detached, but I feel like I have been and I am continuing to detach, this is what I mean (but you said it better): "I was able, as I absorbed, accepted, and even embraced the fact I was getting divorced, to get to a higher place and comfort and acceptance - it was at this point that I realized that I had detached."

Once you face the fear down and understand that your life will be what YOU make of it and the same for your W (her life what she makes of it), for me I found it was much easier to move on.

This part I really think I have done. Actually, I think I did it a while ago, but over the last few weeks I've added more acceptance that D is what is likely to come to pass.

So keep letting go and know that you will stand head high ready to face your new world.

Thanks, and I do.

Ok, that got me through the end of page 2. Back for more later. Thanks to all of you!!!!

Nomo