I hear you. I do think that if you were back together with your ex, you could do this…. for a while. But if you have to keep it up for a long period of time, you won’t be able to stop feeling more and more defensive, at least wondering when you will have to go into your differentiation mode…. again. Plus, time has a way or slowly eroding hope and optimism, doesn’t it?
Well... I'm not a big believer in 'stay married at all costs.' I don't think that bailing when it gets 'tough' is the way to go either.
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Yep. But in your relationship, the consequence of not agreeing is low. Maybe you are hurt for a week or so, but you get over it. You find a new bf and the chemical rush obliterates all those hurts. Also, there is little consequence for your kids if you two split.
That simply isn't true, not when a bond exists between two people. And I am NOT after the chemical rush (tho I gotta say, it is a lot of fun while it lasts). There is a consequence for my kids... they know my bf and they like him... I don't want my home to become a revolving door of men, in and out of their lives.
By the same token, the consequences are low not because there is lack of emotion... but because the emotions aren't driving the bus.
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I do and have felt all kinds of emotions with him. How we operate together is independent of those emotions. What you are referring to is cycle of behavior I am determined NOT to repeat... pursuing pleasure, avoiding pain... and having those associated emotions determine my thinking and actions.
OK, but implicit in your answer is the assumption that if things do not work out, you simply move on. No need to stress over things, just go find someone else. You know a committed relationship does not have such a low threshold for jumping from one relationship to another. If it did, I doubt many of us would feel the tug of emotion as we do.
I don't know that moving on is implied, and I sure as heck am not talking about relationship jumping, or even being absent of emotion. You get to feel it all. I am talking about the pursue/avoid nature of emotions, and when so lived, your live feels like that of a junkie... because some 'other' thing/person seems to have control of your life.
Getting a grip on emotions IS within your power. Taking considered action independent of them does not imply lack of care. I think it actually implies depth of care.
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The difference I see with your new life and my wife is that your bf is choosing to actively engage you. When you were mad at him some time back over golfing, HE is the one who apologized and asked you to play with him again. What if he reacted differently? What if he just said fine, we don’t need to ever golf together, essentially withdrawing back into his cave. No hard feelings, no arguments, no resentment. But then another situation or activity arose that you two decided to do independently. Build up several more of these and what do you have left? Still no hurt feelings, no resentment, but a severely weakened bond.
Yeah... what's your point? How does any of that have any relevance to what I've suggested to you? I'm not saying I live in a constant state of euphoria... uh... everyone here knows how I've struggled... my goal was, and has always been to get to this 'state' I ve been telling you about. I'm telling you how I got there... I'm off the SSRI's now... I've SLOWLY seen improvement in reaching my goal... and I can tell you, when I stay in this state... it doesn't stop my problems or my struggles... I just DEAL/ACT with it in a more level and constant state... which GREATLY enhances and improves how I enjoy my life (and all aspect of it, including my Rs).
You tell me you've accepted that your wife is as she is because of some very serious flaws you doubt she will ever be able to heal. Yet in the next breath... you seem mad and frustrated she won't work with you to improve things. That is very confusing to me...
