Thanks for your perspective. I don't want to jump to erroneous conclusions; this situation demands clear, careful analysis of everything. The abrupt change on health/exercise/diet seems like MLC to me, but I need to raise this with my therapist.
I absolutely agree that she is changing in healthy ways. I am glad, and was glad before the separation, to see them. She's needed to do a lot of this for a long time. She's well on the way to being a better person. I was skittish about praise for the changes, in part because I avoided sensitive issues and knew that she was sensitive about what she was attempting to do. For a while before the separation, I could tell she was uncertain about whether she could keep the weight off. She sometimes asked, "Will you still love me if I go back to the old me?" I said of course, which was the truth. I see now how I have been "conflict" averse, so even though I sometimes thought she should lose weight for the sake of her own health, I never raised it with her. I feared she would take it as criticism, which she has long history of doing even when no criticism is intended. Raising the issue of her weight, even in the sincerest of ways, would have pushed both our "buttons." She had to want to do it for herself. She has had, ever since we met, a deep feeling that she is unlovable. I failed to fill that void, and I own those failings. The void is bigger than me, however. It also comes from her parents. She has been working her way out of that "problem" for several months and had developed a much stronger self-confidence. I'm glad to see that no matter what happens to us.
Meanwhile, I'm working on my stuff, which I should have done long ago. Better late than never. I feel we are both becoming better people and believe we could have a richer, deeper marriage as a result of these transformations.
If there's a road back, it will be a long and hard walk. Do I know her? Does she know me? In many ways, I feel, the answer to those questions right now is "no," at least in some major ways. That's scary, but also unsurprising given the paths we're on right now. I'll continue to give her space and work on myself, and keep on with GAL. One day at a time.
