Easy there big guy…. Remember that FIL and MIL are the messed up products that helped to create the mess you’re in (via your wife), so jumping down FIL’s throat will probably get you similar results to what you get with your wife. You’re way smarter than that.
Not being the nice guy doesn’t mean you need to be the bad guy. Look at this situation in a different light…. take this as a golden opportunity to work on your marriage. Your FIL is out of work, so how do you think he feels? Pretty bad, right? You are empathic to that, which is good, but you are also way above his situation in a way. You may think of yourself as just a struggling professor, but I doubt he sees you that way. He probably has some envy of your education and the stability of your job and your future, especially now that he is feeling the sting of unemployment. Each year that goes by you further cement your status and reputation at the school, with your wife and the in-laws.
He is probably very envious. I say this knowing that there HAS to be some FOO is his background, so his response to this envy will not likely be healthy. So he tries to pull you into the pit, get you off center, rock your world a little and take you down a notch or two. That might feel good to him, put you on a level playing field with him. Now this is all speculation on my part, but that might be one way to view him and keep yourself to a higher code of behavior.
If it is true, even in part, then you can take he lead here by staying your course in concentrating on your job and your responsibilities. You would do this with your kids, even if they were old enough to nag you to come home for some reason. You do have a higher purpose to fulfill, remember? So stick to your path and let your FIL be the one to get pissed off. Practice some boundary setting and calmly tell him how much you appreciate his help and hard work, but to ease up a little. Maybe create a building schedule that works with your job. YOU control this project and its timing. YOU set yourself out in front as the alpha male.
Remember all that training you were doing with Blackfoot? That applies to other men as well as your wife, especially your FIL. What better time to subtly sink some boundaries and that unspoken “understanding” between the two of you as to who is really in charge. No need to get upset, angry or tell him off. Start to use your skills. I think this is a great opportunity for your marriage. Turn it all around to work in your favor.
Because I recognize the fact that I have some definite issues with allowing myself to be vulnerable, I have been thinking quite a bit about the difference between vulnerable and weak. I have not solved the riddle but I am pretty certain that you can't be vulnerable when you are feeling weak. Gandhi made himself vulnerable. A mother bear protecting her cubs will make herself vulnerable. Martin Luther King made himself vulnerable. A playwright who threw herself heart and soul into her work is vulnerable to criticism on opening night. If she is differentiated she will know how to hold on to herself, ride her boats over the waves, when the criticism arrives but that doesn't change her essential vulnerability. So if Chrome is essentially feeling weak he will not be able to allow himself to be vulnerable.
I've been kicking this around in my head, and it may just be a semantic over-distinction .... but isn't there a world of difference between *feeling* weak and *being* weak?
I think everyone even vaguely self-aware has periods of feeling weak, tapped out, discouraged, worn down, unequal to the challenge. Comes with the prefrontal cortex, innit? It doesn't mean you *are* weak, overall, or even perceive yourself that way as a rule ...
OTOH, people who *are* weak (or just fundamentally believe they are) spend a lot of their time fighting off both vulnerability and accountability with any weapon they can find. Who hasn't known someone who has completely garbaged up their life and is overflowing with self-loathing but seems to spend all their energies in a spirited, often vicious, defense of their actions and pursuit of more and more fanciful reasons why none of it was their fault? They are so overwhelmed by their weakness and lack of internal confidence that they can't possibly bear to show vulnerability and give up the facade as far as others are concerned. (I should say, with reference to the previous sentence at least, BTDT.)
It takes a healthily-differentiated person to truly accept and be comfortable with exposing areas of weakness without feeling the compulsion to disguise or defend them.
Thus, paradoxically, allowing (or compelling) yourself to be seen as vulnerable during periods of "feeling weak" proves your essential strength....
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Chrome, don't doubt or second-guess your own priorities as compared to your FIL's. Self-doubt leads to defensiveness which leads to anger which leads to the dark side ... whoops.. Seriously, though ... your confidence in your decisions will lend you calm.
"Show me a completely smooth operation and I'll show you someone who's covering mistakes. Real boats rock." -- Frank Herbert
Your words make a lot of sense to me. I do see a major difference in being vulnerable and being weak, as you have defined them here. I unfortunately have a lot of experience being weak, and being weak does lead to unproductive power plays in an attempt to at least gain an illusion of strength. And since the illusion crumbles easily, more power plays are often needed to keep building up the false edifice, until something happens (my A for example) to shatter it all down. Unfortunately, I have been weak not just in my R with my W, but also with ths ILs. And a pattern of weakness makes being vulnerable difficult. So I'm kinda stuck in this pattern of feeling weak and vulnerable, but needing to be strong to destroy a historical perspective that has built up in the minds of my W and ILs.
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and it's not enough to simply understand how attraction works. You must gain objectivity, acceptance and empathy if you want to have a functional sexual relationship
And that acceptance must include acceptance of your own POV and boundaries or else the lack of self-respect will destroy the R. This is what I have the hardest time with. I can see other's POV, I have a hard time holding on to my own. But at the same time, lack of self-respect and holding to your own boundaries can lead to resentment of other's POV, as a defense mechanism. In other words, instead of fighting to keep my boundary secure, I get pissed off when others hop over my low walls.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Chrom's problem isn't his size, it is a mismatch between him and his W. Chrom, no penis reduction, OK?
True, to an extent, although I have a feeling I would have this difficulty with most people. I don't operate under the illusion that this is a problem that would go away with a different partner. An no, I'm not planning a penis reduction, although that would be tempting.
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The less sex a couple has in a situation like this, the worse the problem becomes. So Chrom, you know what you need to do. Do it as often as you can.
I will say, that for now, using a condom with extra lubrication does shorten the entry time by about half. And I have a feeling that if we were having sex on a regular basis, the W would probably develop a better working knowledge of how to have me enter her with minimal discomfort. Because the sexual encounters are so infrequent, I have a feeling that she tends to "forget" what to do, so to speak. Point taken Lou.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Chrom, can you pay someone to stain/finish coat the wood? Will FIL accept a per hr wage? If not FIL, maybe one of FIL's friends?
Paying is not really a good option, and this is part of our conundrum. We have been able to do what we are doing in large part because we have gotten free help from FIL, and I appreciate that very much. Partly he is doing this because he wants to help and has free time, and partly because I did do quite a number of things to help him in the past (and plan to do so in the future when the opportunity arises). If we had to pay someone to do the work he has done, it would have been difficult to fit in our budget, given the going rate on carpenters and such.
As it turns out, we solved the stain/finish problem. I got started on it, but wasn't able to finish it all last night. FIL and the carpenter are going to put on second coats this morning and I'll finish tonight. This was aided by the fact that they were able to finally enclose the space, so I was/am able to work past dark without bugs landing (in large quantities anyway) on the drying surfaces.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I will say, that for now, using a condom with extra lubrication does shorten the entry time by about half. And I have a feeling that if we were having sex on a regular basis, the W would probably develop a better working knowledge of how to have me enter her with minimal discomfort. Because the sexual encounters are so infrequent, I have a feeling that she tends to "forget" what to do, so to speak.
Chrome,
For me, condoms, even with ample lubrication, were always more uncomfortable than a non-barrier method. They don't bother me so much now, but still, I do feel the friction and it's still not quite as comfortable with as it is without. If your wife goes forward with the IUD, that should make things more comfortable for her.
The only possible negative to Mirena is that, like all hormone-based methods, it can cause a reduction in sex drive. I believe that the pill, which I took for many years, played a role in my own LD state.
Have you read any books on boundaries? (There is a good short easy intro by Anne Katherine.)
I'll have to admit I haven't read as much as I should. The only boundary thing I have "read" is a video thing made by some Christian ministers. It was really good though, although their voices make me want to sleep.
That was a good example, and I used something like it to successfully negotiate finishing the staining/finishing. I guess it all boiled down to a feeling of respect. I felt like he was disrepecting me, while he felt like I was just blowing it off. I think we understand each other a little better ... maybe. The hard thing about boundaries is not just building them, but maintaining them.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
The only possible negative to Mirena is that, like all hormone-based methods, it can cause a reduction in sex drive. I believe that the pill, which I took for many years, played a role in my own LD state.
I heard it can do the reverse as well. My W blamed the pill for her early low sex drive as well (and then our horrid R skills, partially arising from an inability to deal with low sex drive, perpetuated the problems beyond the pill usage). If Mirena affects my W's sex drive in a negative way, we will stop using it ... period. If I have to take a chance and go off my heart medication to get the vasectomy, we'll do that instead.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Easy there big guy…. Remember that FIL and MIL are the messed up products that helped to create the mess you’re in (via your wife), so jumping down FIL’s throat will probably get you similar results to what you get with your wife. You’re way smarter than that.
Right on, and the advice you and OT gave me helped me stay calm and focused during the discussion, which ended up reasonably well. As it turns out, there was another mitigating factor. My FIL has another job opportunity that is coming up so he wanted to get as much work done before that job starts. It really is quite considerate of him. I do think the problem of lack of respect for what I do is still there, as this is not the first instance of me feeling that way, and some very direct statements have been made.
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may think of yourself as just a struggling professor, but I doubt he sees you that way. He probably has some envy of your education and the stability of your job and your future, especially now that he is feeling the sting of unemployment. Each year that goes by you further cement your status and reputation at the school, with your wife and the in-laws.
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He is probably very envious. I say this knowing that there HAS to be some FOO is his background, so his response to this envy will not likely be healthy. So he tries to pull you into the pit, get you off center, rock your world a little and take you down a notch or two. That might feel good to him, put you on a level playing field with him. Now this is all speculation on my part, but that might be one way to view him and keep yourself to a higher code of behavior.
He has made statements in the past about how unfair it is that professors can get tenure, while the rest of the poor hard-working saps of the world have to live with being fired a constant threat. In his line of business (agriculture), being fired is common thing. I do sympathize, I would be fine with no-tenure policies. I am confident enough in my abilities that I know I would be hired again every year. I'm a little skeptical that he is envious though, as the pay (at least in my discipline) is nothing to be envious about.
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I think this is a great opportunity for your marriage. Turn it all around to work in your favor.
I did my best, we'll see how it all works.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
I've been kicking this around in my head, and it may just be a semantic over-distinction .... but isn't there a world of difference between *feeling* weak and *being* weak?
Feeling weak can lead you to acting repeatedly in ways that manifest themselves as being weak.
Good thoughts BTW on the rest of your post. I do see how when I feel weak, I do tend to sometimes respond in self-destructive ways in order to maintain a facade of strength.
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Chrome, don't doubt or second-guess your own priorities as compared to your FIL's. Self-doubt leads to defensiveness which leads to anger which leads to the dark side ... whoops.. Seriously, though ... your confidence in your decisions will lend you calm.
Second guessing is in my nature, I'm a scientist remember ... LOL. I hear what you are saying to me, and I see the pattern you describe in my own feelings.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
