some advice pls oldtimers...

[HBT]

W8ing,
I wish I could say I was, but no I had another blow yesterday and found it too difficult to do anything. My h has been staying with ss at his apt but now ss's gf is moving in with him this w/e. Well, that just throws another hugh decision h has to make of where to live! I was devastated and went to self medicating. Unfortunately I had TOO much to drink and h stopped by, saw me all teary eyed and looking bad, ugh! Then h comes back later in the evening and of course I couldn't keep my mouth shut! We had a BIG r talk and it really screwed with me cause of course he wanted to leave and I was sad and needy!

Yes, I am seeing how pathetic I am acting but it is SOOOO hard to keep my emotions in check, especially with this new predicament looming. H says he just doesn't know what hes going to do and he's definitely a LONG way to 'forgiving me' but he isn't saying its over yet either. This stuff is just so hard to hear, all the negative things I did to make him feel so distant and resentful of me. This HURTS so much! Can you die of heatbreak? I sometimes find myself wondering this...I do know I'm wasn't perfect and do take my part in all of our past problems, but it does take two right?? I didn't argue with myself. Well, then I told him he was running out on his committments to me and family, etc. and that he's breaking his promises to me and that is getting harder for me to take. H isn't being loud or hateful anymore, just matter of fact with that empty feeling, but I did see his eyes were red and sad. It scares me that he thinks its over but just going through the motions to distant himself gradually.

I talked to h today (he stopped by for a few mins) and I felt like I had to say something, so I told him to keep his eyes and heart open, that I believe in us and I intend to win him back. I have to db NOW if I even have a chance, I can see that. I do think he is smack in MLC and can't see through the fog. But, that doesn't help me right now. I've got to do the work but the chance of him moving further away into a more permanent place of his own scares the h*ll out of me, really! This is way too soon. I still think he's in there somewhere but has shoved his feelings so far down he can't reach them. This is SO sad...my h would have never acted this way before; I can't believe my eyes and ears! This new reality is too overwhelming.