The Road to Reconciliation ... a bit of a survey

[MaxP]

My interaction with my W last night made me think a lot more about how we 'the separated and left behind' make progress towards our goal, namely reconciliation for most people.

It seems that everyone is different, but that there are often many similarities. So, I have a few questions for others that may be illuminating ...

How long were you together?
How long have you been separated?
Do you understand what happened to cause the separation?
What do you think your partner thinks of you (now, then)?
How does your partner behave towards you now?
Are you able to understand your partners actions?
Do you seen any glimmer of hope for your R coming from your partner?
If so, how long did it take before hope appeared (following separation)?
What do you think caused that change in your partner?
How regularly do you have *any* type of contact with your partner?
How often do you see your partner?
Is that often enough?
Have you gone through a 'dating period'?
Was that positive?
Are you able to discuss your R at all or is that too dangerous?
What do you do with your free time?
How do you handle the feeling of being lonely, assuming you do feel that way?
What do you think about your partner (now, then)?
Do you still want to reconcile?

[MaxP]

My interaction with my W last night made me think a lot more about how we 'the separated and left behind' make progress towards our goal, namely reconciliation for most people.

It seems that everyone is different, but that there are often many similarities. So, I have a few questions for others that may be illuminating ...

How long were you together?

10 years, married for 2.

How long have you been separated?

Coming up for 2 months.

Do you understand what happened to cause the separation?

I can understand my W needs space and feels she has lost her identity. I cannot understand where the love went. She behaves as if she never loved me and right now seems to tolerate me being part of her life, rather than actively want me to be part of it. I still feel very confused about what has happened and feel that things don't add up or make sense.

What do you think your partner thinks of you (now, then)?

(a) I think she felt that I lived my life through her and she grew to resent that. She lost her attraction then love for me and felt the need to be apart. She is still searching for her identity and feels that I cannot be part of her future.
(b) I have no idea at all of how she views me now. She expresses nothing that is positive or negative but appears happy to be single.

How does your partner behave towards you now?

She behaves as if I am nothing more than an acquaintance. It's as if we have no past.

Are you able to understand your partners actions?

No

Do you see any glimmer of hope for your R coming from your partner?

Not really.

If so, how long did it take before hope appeared (following separation)?

n/a

What do you think caused that change in your partner?

n/a

How regularly do you have *any* type of contact with your partner?

A few texts a week that are very short and business like. Maybe the odd email. No phone conversations.

How often do you see your partner?

Once a month.

Is that often enough?

Not for me, although she doesn't seems to see why we should meet any more often than that. This makes me wonder how we can possibly come back from this, especially as our interactions are very awkward when we first meet up.

Have you gone through a 'dating period'?

n/a - would like to though. Can see that my W has no desire for this or me. There has been no affection from her since the bomb was dropped almost 6 months ago.

Was that positive?

n/a

Are you able to discuss your R at all or is that too dangerous?

I feel it would set things further back, however much I would like some clarification from her.

What do you do with your free time?

Watch TV, swim. Meet people at the weekends.

How do you handle the feeling of being lonely, assuming you do feel that way?

I find the weekday evenings the hardest.

What do you think about your partner (now, then)?

I still love her. I still see some qualities that I would like her to change (being cold, unnecessarily critical or defensive).

Do you still want to reconcile?

Yes.

[MaxP]

A few others:

How do you feel right now?
What's the best bit of advice you've received?
What's the best thing you've done while separated?
What's the worst bit of advice you've received?
What's are the best books you have read?
(excluding DB of course!)

[Nugget]

How long were you together? M 15+ years.
How long have you been separated? 7 weeks.
Do you understand what happened to cause the separation? Finally I believe so.
What do you think your partner thinks of you (now, then)? That I am changing, but still sometimes return to the old ass.
How does your partner behave towards you now? Friendly.
Are you able to understand your partners actions? NEVER!
Do you seen any glimmer of hope for your R coming from your partner? Yes.
If so, how long did it take before hope appeared (following separation)? Immediately
What do you think caused that change in your partner? My attitude.
How regularly do you have *any* type of contact with your partner? Daily.
How often do you see your partner? Almost daily.
Is that often enough? Never enough.
Have you gone through a 'dating period'? No.
Was that positive?
Are you able to discuss your R at all or is that too dangerous? No, it is to dangerous and counter-productive.
What do you do with your free time? Take care of son, read books, visit the forums, work, gym.
How do you handle the feeling of being lonely, assuming you do feel that way? I am struggling with it. Weekends alone are killer.
What do you think about your partner (now, then)? Much better understanding of how she has felt over the years. Lost to what her feelings are today.
Do you still want to reconcile? I want nothing more.

[Nugget]

How do you feel right now? Right now, positive. But, my feelings change often.
What's the best bit of advice you've received? Be loving, be patient, give space, do not discuss R.
What's the best thing you've done while separated? See above answer.
What's the worst bit of advice you've received? Almost anything I convince myself to do that contradicts the above answer.
What's are the best books you have read (excluding DB of course!)? "Getting Back Together" 2nd edition, "Codependent No More"

[JMC]

How long were you together? - 13 yrs
How long have you been separated? - 6.5 months

Do you understand what happened to cause the separation? - somewhat, I believe she is in MLC (PA with man in serious relationship, EA w/married man in another state, sex w/guy she met while on a girls weekend and then sends nude photos to him over internet...ILYBNILWY comments, empty nest syndrome after D went to college, etc.), also financial strain due to high credit card balances.

What do you think your partner thinks of you (now, then)? - now - I really wonder, probably would tell people I am a great guy but she is not in love w/me; then - I didn't do this or that, but I am a nice guy..

How does your partner behave towards you now? - we used to be intimate on a weekly basis after bomb dropped until we sold house in late June, but now talk infrequently, but when we do she always suggests lunch, dinner or drinks..I say 'ok, call me', but she has not set anything up.

Are you able to understand your partners actions? - not really

Do you seen any glimmer of hope for your R coming from your partner? - not really

If so, how long did it take before hope appeared (following separation)? - n/a

What do you think caused that change in your partner? - mlc stemming from childhood.

How regularly do you have *any* type of contact with your partner? once every 10-14 days (I miss her terribly)

How often do you see your partner? - it has been over a month

Is that often enough? - no, as I would want a reconcilliation.

Have you gone through a 'dating period'? - no

Was that positive? - n/a

Are you able to discuss your R at all or is that too dangerous? - have in the past upon occassion to no avail, have not done so in over 2 months.

What do you do with your free time? - workout, read, try to get together w/D and friends - I find it a difficult world being single and 45.

How do you handle the feeling of being lonely, assuming you do feel that way? - I do not like it...still cry several x a week..try to quickly talk myself out of it and do something I like - watch or play sports.

What do you think about your partner (now, then)? - I have lost some respect..at one time I considered her to be the most impressive person I had ever met.

Do you still want to reconcile? - yes

[MaxP]

Thanks nugget. You have a much clearer way of replying to the questions. There seems to be a lot of hope in your replies too. Good luck.

[Nugget]

NP. Always willing to contribute where I can. BTW, great questions. I had to ponder a bit on a few of them, which helped me to understand my S a bit better.

[JMC]

How do you feel right now? - I am down today, but coming to this forum has helped

What's the best bit of advice you've received? - lovingly detach, give space, GAL, do something good for you

What's the best thing you've done while separated? - I assume you mean for myself, if so, that would be getting back to church.

What's the worst bit of advice you've received? - ha!, there seems to have been a lot hire a pvt eye, 'get back on that horse', 'I have a cousin wh is single'etc..

What's are the best books you have read? - mostly I read this and other forums and internet articles(excluding DB of course!)

[Nugget]

What's are the best books you have read? - mostly I read this and other forums and internet articles(excluding DB of course!)

JMC, any good ones you would want to link us to?