Cobra:

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I admire you greatly but I am not holding you up as a fantasy. What I am holding up is how far from other “normal” relationships my wife seems to be.


I wasn't implying you were fantasizing about me. I knew it was going to come out that way, but I didn't know how else to say it, since you made the initial reference "I wish she had your insights."

I wish I had them, too, sometimes. It's lots easier on here, because we are writing... we have time to think through actions and responses. Applying insights IRL... is something different.
That's kind of what I meant.

I do try, and I try again... \:\) I don't know that it would be fair for anyone to say that someone else just isn't trying. Because I have been ACTIVELY working on this for nearly 15 years... I'm sure your wife thinks she is trying. To compare her to anyone else, to compare your M to any other... I personally think is a fruitless endeavor. It keeps you from seeing what is there, instead of what you WANT to be there. Kwis?

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Well if you believe all that then good for you. But if it were entirely true, why have you not gone back to him. The fact is that he too is flawed and he too is a large part of the problem. It might empower us to think we are fully responsible for our happiness and in complete control of that, but I don’t believe it for one minute. Others in our lives impact us deeply. When they are flawed it makes our lives that much harder. When they are healthy, it makes our lives that much easier, no matter how happy we might be internally.


I believe that successful Rs are not built on 'love,' per se, and meeting each other's needs. I believe successful Rs are based on proficient and effective problem-solving.

Yes, my xH is a flawed man... just as I am flawed woman. But his flaws or state of health didn't make MY life harder. Our inability to effectively problem solve together was the fatal part.

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I think I have resolve my accountability. I don’t blame my wife for her inabilities. It is just her, how she was raised, what she has become… Even the counselor thought W did not have the ability to overcome her fears and move forward. I think it is possible for W to change, but it will take a long time and will require someone other than me to help her.


Nod. I get this. I'm just saying, as an observation, not a criticism... that a lot of what you're saying sounds like your feelings of happiness and contentment, are, and will always be, based on the your wife's (or some other S.O) actions/behaviors... is that accurate?

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You now care for your bf. When you two don’t agree, are you happy? When you two do agree, do you feel like he is “the one?” He impacts you.


No, that's not how it is with him. Not at all. I do and have felt all kinds of emotions with him. How we operate together is independent of those emotions. What you are referring to is cycle of behavior I am determined NOT to repeat... pursuing pleasure, avoiding pain... and having those associated emotions determine my thinking and actions.

Am I feeling giddy when we disagree? I doubt it... am I 'happy' when we disagree? Well... yeah... because 'happy' to me is a method of how I chose to operate in the world. A method of travel, not the destination itself. When I stay in that 'state,' I am a better problem-solver. So the act of disagreeing is no longer a 'painful thing to avoid,' no more than 'agreeing' with him provides 'he's the ONE' feelings.

Corri