The Road to Reconciliation ... a bit of a survey

[MaxP]

My interaction with my W last night made me think a lot more about how we 'the separated and left behind' make progress towards our goal, namely reconciliation for most people.

It seems that everyone is different, but that there are often many similarities. So, I have a few questions for others that may be illuminating ...

How long were you together?

10 years, married for 2.

How long have you been separated?

Coming up for 2 months.

Do you understand what happened to cause the separation?

I can understand my W needs space and feels she has lost her identity. I cannot understand where the love went. She behaves as if she never loved me and right now seems to tolerate me being part of her life, rather than actively want me to be part of it. I still feel very confused about what has happened and feel that things don't add up or make sense.

What do you think your partner thinks of you (now, then)?

(a) I think she felt that I lived my life through her and she grew to resent that. She lost her attraction then love for me and felt the need to be apart. She is still searching for her identity and feels that I cannot be part of her future.
(b) I have no idea at all of how she views me now. She expresses nothing that is positive or negative but appears happy to be single.

How does your partner behave towards you now?

She behaves as if I am nothing more than an acquaintance. It's as if we have no past.

Are you able to understand your partners actions?

No

Do you see any glimmer of hope for your R coming from your partner?

Not really.

If so, how long did it take before hope appeared (following separation)?

n/a

What do you think caused that change in your partner?

n/a

How regularly do you have *any* type of contact with your partner?

A few texts a week that are very short and business like. Maybe the odd email. No phone conversations.

How often do you see your partner?

Once a month.

Is that often enough?

Not for me, although she doesn't seems to see why we should meet any more often than that. This makes me wonder how we can possibly come back from this, especially as our interactions are very awkward when we first meet up.

Have you gone through a 'dating period'?

n/a - would like to though. Can see that my W has no desire for this or me. There has been no affection from her since the bomb was dropped almost 6 months ago.

Was that positive?

n/a

Are you able to discuss your R at all or is that too dangerous?

I feel it would set things further back, however much I would like some clarification from her.

What do you do with your free time?

Watch TV, swim. Meet people at the weekends.

How do you handle the feeling of being lonely, assuming you do feel that way?

I find the weekday evenings the hardest.

What do you think about your partner (now, then)?

I still love her. I still see some qualities that I would like her to change (being cold, unnecessarily critical or defensive).

Do you still want to reconcile?

Yes.