Afterall...this is MY life II

[heatherg]

Have you *told* your husband, in plain english with no circumlocution, that you would love to share watching porn with him again, if he was willing to forgo his private viewing?

No, I haven't.

Have you *told* your husband in the same straightforward way that you want to have sex, but you are losing the desire to have sex with him because of his porn and/or his secrecy about it, and this saddens you?

No, I haven't.

Have you told him that you are imagining all sorts of awful things about the content/frequency of his viewing, and are willing to be calm (if not happy) about whatever the truth might be, but it's better than flailing around in the dark? (are you?)


No, not quite like that. Yes, I am flailing around in the dark.
Our conversations about this issue have been both productive and non-productive, but the times they have been non-productive have often been a result of him flat out telling me that the topic is off the table for discussion. He simply won't answer questions. So, I'm pretty sure he's aware that my mind is filling in the blanks.

Have you *talked* about the fact that you haven't had sex in weeks?

One guess......no

What does *he* think about all this? I'm not saying his opinions/emotions about all this should determine yours, but do you even *know* what his are, or are you assuming?

We have discussed the issue a few times. My very first post on my last thread was about one of the only constructive conversations we've ever had about the issue, but we have had many others that didn't go so well. If you go back and read that post, you will get a better idea of what H thinks about all this.

Maybe I have the wrong idea of the situation, but if you can't have open rational discussion about all this, however difficult, how will you ever break these impasses?

I completely agree. Talking is now always the best solution for us, for two reasons in particular. One-H does not like to talk and two-we are not very good at it. That doesn't mean that talking is off the table as a solution to some of our issues, it just explains why it doesn't always work. I am not very good at communicating my feelings. I get angry faster than you can pull your finger away from a hot stove. When I get angry, I get snide, sarcastic and cold. But it's all because I'm hurt. I recognize this, I'm trying to change it and I've told H about it so that he can understand my anger a bit better. But my point is that we still struggle with communication. H is afraid of my reactions and he doesn't like to talk anyway. The ONLY way he will talk is if he feels safe with me and I have to be in a really good place in order for him to be safe with me.

So, if I can get myself to a good place, maybe we'll be able to discuss it. And if I can figure out what my boundary is exactly and how to implement it, then the discussion can be a productive one.