Afterall...this is MY life II

[heatherg]

Quote:
He said he didn't know. I said 'Well, that's all the answer I need because it tells me everything I need to know'. I have been distant ever since.


Okay, if I knew how to do it in print, I'd sound the 'air raid' siren right here. In any event. I was nodding until this point. PROBLEM.

POP QUIZ: Review the scenario above. WHO introduced the problem? Who continued the problem?

It depends on how you define the problem. To me, the problem is that his independent viewing of porn is occurring. Me mentioning it certainly didn't create that problem. With that being said, I can see that I wasted an opportunity to possibly discuss the issue. I think I need to be careful with situations like the above because I created a situation where the issue was broached, but I didn't take the opportunity to see if I could do something constructive with it. That is a mistake because I really should limit the number of times I approach this subject or it will merely become one of those issues where he hears "blah, blah, blah". So, if I was going to in fact bring up the issue, I should have used the opportunity to my advantage (to at least communicate a few things and get a few things on the table) as opposed to just opening the wound and then walking away.
If you're defining the problem as the distance I've maintained in the R, I'm not entirely convinced that is a problem.

Why? What is being distant doing for you? How is it getting you closer to YOUR goal?

I guess sometimes you have to get further away from your goal before you can start to approach it. Being distant is allowing myself to detach some from this issue, which I really need to do. Being distant is hopefully giving H the opportunity to assess the situation in his own way.

as a result of his actions.


Problem. Why in the world would you EVER give him the power to control YOUR sexual urges? Or is this a convenient excuse?

He certainly does not control my sexual urges, because believe me, they are still there. But his actions can have an impact on whether or not I choose to act on those urges with him.

K. So stop blaming HIM. You need sex. What's wrong with that?


Yeah, I'm struggling with this too. I'd like to be able to say that he can't have both porn and me. He needs to take his pick or wear himself out of MB to girls on a computer screen. It's a problem though because it deprives me of something I need. I'm depriving myself. But there needs to be consequences for his choices. It FEELS right to say, based on my feelings about the issue, you can't have both.

Stop. Right. There. The rest of the sentence... I can call B.S. on you for, but, it's far better if YOU do it:

Well, ok. I don't FEEL he's entitled to sex with me because I FEEL like he's made his choice and he can't choose both.

Whoa. You are clouding the issue. You are SO MUCH MORE WOMAN than anything he'd see in a porn. HELLO.

Exactly. That's why I feel confident that by telling him he cannot have both would place him in the 'crucible' so to speak and then he would have a choice. It seems to me if he chooses porn, he could not live with that decision long term. If he can, well I guess it's up to me to make my decision next.

I haven't spoken them out loud before now because I haven't entirely determined whether or not I can go long term in a R with no sex.


HUH? Where did THAT come from? Why does the sexual R you have with your H have anything to do with any of that other stuff?

I haven't entirely decided that it does. But it sure feels like the proper choice to give on the matter.