N'est pas. I have reserved them for the very deserving. Only the people I TRULY WANT to care about.
When I put them away, it is because they are no longer needed.
Now. There have been a few in my world ( and honestly many) who have wielded their own version of the PTS (pointy-toed shoes). Everyone carries them. They are not MINE. Quite honestly, the most profound and aching and last impact/most profound result of someone wielding them... was from Lil. I don't know if she remembers when she did it, or what it was about. But I do. Vividly. I hope I never forget it. It was a turning point for me, even tho I dropped off the boards after it for several months.
NOP ALWAYS kicked my azz. Mrs. Nop was always good for an azz kicking or two, or three. Honeypot nearly did me in, more times than I care to count. CeMar, in his own way, came in and taught me 5,000 things or two. He will always have a soft spot for me.
I can go on and on and on. And if I DIDN'T mention your name, it isn't because I have NOT learned from you. I learn from everyone. I learn from people calling B.S. on me.
Can I apply what I have learned... has always been MY issue.
Sometimes I do really well. Sometimes I fck up royal. Then I refer to LM's Rule 1. Thank GOD... the people with whom I fck up... are willing to forgive me. And thank God, when I fck up with people who are NOT willing to forgive me... I find the courage... usually around day three... to forgive myself.
The wrong answer: Billy Idol. The right answer: Every loser who ever visited a disco in the 1980s and 1990s.
Actually, I was at my weekly appointment with my IC, talking about how easy it is to talk the talk versus walking the walk, of an Integrated Male. I related to him my response to Cobra's post earlier today.
His observation: "you are more astute and in tune to relationship dynamics than many psychologists I know. And you're certainly getting better at it than you were when I first met you."
So, there's that.
Now, as I get ready to spend 11-13 hours in the minivan with my W on Thursday (driving to Colorado), let's see how well I might be able to put some of this astute-ness into practice.
Some things I need to mention to my W: 1. I'm coming back Monday instead of Sunday from my Tucson trip. 2. I want to begin a sexual moratorium which will last for three months. 3. Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better.
Every loser who ever visited a disco in the 1980s and 1990s.
Hey, I resemble that remark! In fact, I used to be a DJ in discos back in college.... ahhh the good ole' days!
Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better.
Isn't this the self affirmation line that police chief Dreyfus says to himself while in the mental hospital in the original Pink Panther movies? He was a little looney you know....
Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better.
Isn't this the self affirmation line that police chief Dreyfus says to himself while in the mental hospital in the original Pink Panther movies? He was a little looney you know....
Actually, Cobra, that might be right. I say it with a wink, of course. But, I went ahead and Googled it and came up with this. I kind of like it in French even better: Tous les jours à tous points de vue je vais de mieux en mieux
edited to add: yep...I just found it in the Pink Panther movie, too. And a John Lennon album. Behold...the power of Google.
Hairdog, who thanks heaven for little girls. Big ones, too.
1. I'm coming back Monday instead of Sunday from my Tucson trip. 2. I want to begin a sexual moratorium which will last for three months. 3. Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better.
Here is the bitchy Corri response:
1) What!!?? You are doing what? Well FINE, I GUESS, if you feel YOUR needs are more important than the FAMILY needs, you selfish bastard ('you selfish bastard being implied by tone, more than by words spoken, but still unmistakable. And you won't get laid for a month, as a consequence, btw, equally unspoken, but no less implied, WHICH YOU SHOULD UNDERSTAND, you unfeeling bastard!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.
, to test you.. or do you want the honest female Corri to repond...???
2. I want to begin a sexual moratorium which will last for three months.
ROTFLMAO!!!!!! Oh, good one, HD. Like you would EVER get sex from me because you wanted sex... you degenerant. (sp?) I am morally superior in every way, and **I** would NEVER think of giving in to such baser instincts... you azzhole.
3. Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better.
And WHO says so? **I** certainly did NOT give permission for this. THIS was NOT something WE discussed. How DARE you? Who do you think you are? When did **I** become separate from our marriage vows, and just WHO gave YOU permission to do so?
Gosh... am I sufficiently bitchy here? Have I even come close to topping her top to challenge you?
1. I'm coming back Monday instead of Sunday from my Tucson trip. 2. I want to begin a sexual moratorium which will last for three months. 3. Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better.
Corris going for bitchy I'll go for something even more challenging.
you are more astute and in tune to relationship dynamics than many psychologists I know
*nodding* Lol. No other comment.... LOL.
Some things I need to mention to my W: 1. I'm coming back Monday instead of Sunday from my Tucson trip. 2. I want to begin a sexual moratorium which will last for three months. 3. Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better.
HD, Its really good to see you doing something. *two fisted pump*
my opinions on your road conversation.
1. Of course. Its simply a decent thing to keep your SO informed of your comings and goings. EDIT Your not asking a question, your informing. so make sure your tonality indicates that.
2. Why do you need to inform her of this? If you want to do it, do it. Are you doing it for you? or to get a reaction? Your doing it for you, so its Not about her.
If and when she wants to have sex, THEN you can tell her. The timeline is NoneOfHerDB. If you are in fact doing it for you, then do it for you.
I would not normally take this stance of non mutual agreement, but with you and Cobra, bullys need a little something more persuasive then goodwill and consideration.
For ex. Mrs HD: [initiates.] HD: I dont really want to have sex with you right now. Whenever we have sex, it reinforces the fact that there is no mutual consideration. It actually makes me feel further from you then closer. Untill we can come to some sort of mutally agreeable arrangement, sex is just damaging our R. Im not sure if we are going to make it, so I dont want to do anthing that is going to push me away quicker. -(or something like that, if its how you feel)
If you feel something along those lines, you can think all of it, and say, Mrs. HD:[initiates] HD: ehhmm. No I dont think thats a good idea. Having sex just makes me feel further from you then closer. or.. make out with her, fool around, let things get really, really hot and heavy. Then Stop. and go to sleep. Forget sex. Get respect and consideration for your feelings.
3. I agree with you, that you are doing better and better. Let it radiate from your actions and your confidance in yourself.
It does not need to be said. On a BB obviously, words are neccessary. IRL, not so much. They want em/like em, but its icing on the cake. Too much icing makes your head hurt. A great cake is good without the icing. She will see it from your actions. Saying it has no positive. It does, on the other hand give her the opportunity to list out in extensive detail, exactly how and why you are not doing better and better. Lose/lose for both of you. Dont hand her the sword. Dont do it. Dont do it, because you do care about your R, even as your love slips away.
Do you like Martelo's posts as much as I do? I just love his vibe.
Corri: Very good on Number 1 - I almost felt that pit-o'-my stomach feeling I get when she's on a roll. I'll do the old, "prepare for the worst and hope for the best" type of thinking that has helped me handle any number of confrontations with her and with my ex through the years.
Martelo - Your predicted responses are just as likely to occur as Corri's. And yeah, I can handle it. (I think we should just add that to the usually abbreviations: ICHI) Oh, and thanks for the video. Reminds me: "do the dumb stuff I gotta do. Touch the puppet head"
Blackie! I totally intend to state #1 rather than ask it. Hey, it's a non-refundable ticket...nothing to ask.
As for # 2, I plan to discuss it with her because I want her to understand how it may affect the dynamics in our relationship, and not just shrug off any changes as random. To clarify, I am doing this for me, not for her. Here's the "Breaking Free Activity #39" from Glover's book:
Quote:
Consider going on a sexual moratorium. Consciously refrain from sex for a predetermined period of time. No matter what your sexual situation is, it can be a powerful learning experience. Most guys initially resist the idea, but once then make the decision to do it, they find it to be a very positive experience. A sexual moratorium can have many benefits: >Helps break dysfunction cycles >Eliminates pursuing and distancing >Releases resentment >Allows the NG to see that he can live without sex >Helps the NG realize that no one else but him holds the key to his sexual experience >Helps the NG see how he settles for bad sex >Eliminates fear that the NG's partner can withhold sex or approval >Helps the NG pay attention to the meaning of sexual impulses: whenever the NG feels the impulse to be sexual, he can automatically ask himself, "Why am I feeling sexual?" >Helps break addictive patterns by eliminating compulsive masturbation, pornography, and other addictive behaviors >Helps the NG begin to address feelings has been avoiding with sex Before beginning a sexual moratorium, discuss it with your partner. It helps to set a specific time. I suggest three to six months. It can be done. Decide on the parameters of the moratorium. Once you have begun, pay attention to slips and sabotaging behaviors, from both you and your partner. Remember, it is a learning experience. You don't have to do it perfectly.
I quoted it in its entirety, although some parts of it are more relevant to my situation than to others. The whole "pursing/distancing" dynamic is really strong with me. Plus, I want to feel something I have never felt before: in control of my "sexual experience." So many of the decisions I make in an average day or week are calculated so as to keep W happy, in some twisted hope that she will "make herself available" to me. The little Blackfoot on my shoulder is saying, "Yeah...so how's that workin' for you so far?" Get offa my shoulder Mr. Obvious, ya little pissant.
So that's why I'm going to talk about it with her.
