OT, he said he was trying from Nov--Feb. Was he, really? Or was it already too late?
Nikki--You are so right. I don't like the answer. I really don't want to accept that he is gone, never coming home.
I think I have to start looking at this like a death. We don't get to choose when that happens in our lives, either. There is no way to control it.
But this is so much harder, as there is the illusion that we can influence what happens, we can change the fate. I don't think that was possible in my case, as H was too far gone before I even knew what was happening.
I dreamt that I went to the pond near my house and had a ceremony, pushing away a photo of us, some of my poetry about our love, the first rose he gave me, away on a small paper boat, out into the water, after setting it alight. I stood on the shore, watching it burn and settle slowly down into the darkness.
