heya... sounds like you're another lucky one, where MIL is *potentially* on your side. good for you.
Neutral at best. I made a dumb move by telling her that I was going to see a lawyer that afternoon. I'm thinking she told my W which is how she found out. Although it could also have been that she snuck a peak at my cell phone.
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About the lawyer: Just make it clear that you went for a consultation, so that you know what to expect, if it comes up again.
Agree. Not sure why I'm so concerned about it. It was just a consult and I would be a little naive to not look into protecting myself at this point. It's just another way of her trying to turn things around on me, but I won't let her get her way.
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Sounds like your wife is really, REALLY hostile, and alomst totally committed to divorcing you at this point. She's just reluctant to take that final step.
I wouldn't say REALLY hostile. Not yet. She's up and down like most other WAS's I guess. Sometimes things are great and then I think she catches herself having fun, so she thinks "Whoah!! Gotta put a stop to that!!"
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no, it's not wierd. its quite obvious by this, that she is interested in other people. That guy, specifically. And if you are also interested in other people, then "divorce is the 'right' thing to do for both of you'. SO you can "both be happy".
To be blunt: you were dumb to ever bring this up.
Live and learn. I did try to back peddle after I spoke about her and said that I had no intention of pursuing anything. And as a side note, I talk to this girl about 15 minutes a day. It's not like I have her cell phone number, talk to her late in the evenings and on weekends, etc as the W is doing with OG. Hypocritical I say. Sorry... just venting.
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I'll take a shot in the dark, and make the following observations
1. Your wife is"done working on the marriage". That means, you will have to do all the work, for quite a long time. dont bother even trying to get her to put in any serious effort. It may just piss her off, and make her want to escape more.
I think you are right on the money with observation #1
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2. I'm guesssing you should probably focus less on saying "I think we can work things out", and focus more on actually DOING the "work". ie: find out why she doesnt feel connected with you, and try to fix it. from your side.
Agree. This is the difficult one though. Her idea of intimacy is talking and quality time. Hard to get these under these circumstances. We went to dinner twice over the last couple of weeks. Talked the whole time. Great dinner and great company. I had a wonderful time. After the fact she tells me that I was doing all of the talking and that she wasn't really engaged in the conversation....
It just occurred to me that this is just the alien talk. I think she really did enjoy herself, she just got defensive when I reflected on how good of a time we had. So going forward, try to have more good times, but not draw attention to them.
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3. be happy she still wants to do fun things with you and the kids. Keep it up, while not smothering her.
Had fun with the kids tonight. My S had to have some blood work done tonight as a follow up for possible Lyme's disease from a few weeks ago. He went through the cycle of antibiotics, so they just need to make sure it is all gone. I told him if he was brave at the lab, I would take to mini-golf.
He was so funny. The nurse counted down and put the needle in. "Dad! I didn't even feel it!" He's such a good kid, it breaks my heart. D was there too giving him support.
So we had dinner out and then played mini-golf until about 8. Very nice night. D is upset again that mommy is out late. W is in some fantasy land thinking that the kids will be fine with this whole situation, but the kids get so upset when either of us are gone for even a day.
I'm tired myself and going to bed soon. W will have to wake me if she wants to talk about the lawyer.
Hey Dis, just checking in on ya. Still sounds like we're in the same boat, so I don't have much advice for ya. If your not "Happy" with your counselor, find one that will make you feel like your getting all that you need from them and that they will help you fight for your M.
Your handling the sitch well, I know how hard it is. Staying focused on the kids is what seems to get us through, keep it up they need you. Talk to ya later bro.
Me 31 W 28 D 2 1/2 Together 8 years, Friends for 13 years S Bomb fathers day 2007 Found out about EA on 07/29/07 Working on me!!!
Went to bed around 10PM. Woke up when W came in around 10:30. She got ready and got into our bed to sleep. Talked a little when she came to bed. She said she had a good talk with girlfriend, and that she was doing well. Told her about my night with the kids. She never asked about the lawyer. Things seemed normal.
I'm hoping the good talk with the girlfriend included a smack to the back of my W's head. The friend she was out with seems to be pretty conservative and has good family values. She has four kids of her own, so I'm hoping that she talked some sense about the importance of keeping the family together. I can only hope that at least one of her girlfriends gives her good advice. I don't know what her other girlfriends have said to her, but I get the impression that they give her validation and tell her to "do what's best for you".
Sounds like you have a great attitude! keep doing what you are doing!
I have just one more word of encouragement/advice:
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Agree. This is the difficult one though. Her idea of intimacy is talking and quality time. Hard to get these under these circumstances. We went to dinner twice over the last couple of weeks. Talked the whole time. Great dinner and great company. I had a wonderful time. After the fact she tells me that I was doing all of the talking and that she wasn't really engaged in the conversation....
It just occurred to me that this is just the alien talk. I think she really did enjoy herself, she just got defensive when I reflected on how good of a time we had.
I dont think you should "write off" what she said. to me, that sounds like, you were doing basically the right thing, but you could have done better: you missed opportunities to listen to her more.Next time, be more aware/sensitive to letting her do more talking.
PS: probably a bad idea to do any verbal "reflecting on how good of a time you had". I think that will just encourages a "no it wasnt" attitude from her, as you already observed. BUT.. if you had asked her instead, "how was the evening for you" or something like that... I think that she might still have responded in the "I didnt get to talk" way. Remember: most men/woman books try to remind men, that women like to talk, and "be heard". So, be sure to listen!
Sounds like you're doing pretty durn well though. kudos to you
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
D - that's what girlfriends are for, to validate as well as support. One thing, if your wife is seeing her friend's happy family in action, then the sense in keeping her family together will be highlighted.
Dom it's true women like to talk a lot more than men. For me it's hard to get my H to open up, then he says we never talk about the situation.
Took S to karate before dinner. Home from karate and helped W get dinner finished. After eating, W and I were sitting at the table for a few minutes and she told me we needed to talk. Oh damn. There's that pit in my stomach again. I was expecting her to tell me she filed. We go out to the porch to talk.
She starts asking me how my ‘errands’ went the other day. Told her I just went to educate myself and that we just discussed general issues. Told her the lawyer recommended that I don't change anything at this point. That if W files, then I would call him and deal with it then. She was surprised that we didn’t talk specific figures as they did in her case.
Told her some of the things that lawyer told me. Assets would just be split equally. Would probably need to sell the house. There would be child support and possibly alimony. The biggest issue would be the time with kids. Talked about mediation vs normal divorce. Told her that my lawyer suggested avoiding mediation because it usually favors just one of the people. Asked her if she had discussed with her lawyer what the grounds would be. We talked about irreconcilable differences (6 months)and separation (18 months) and how we would deal with the living situations. She seems convinced that she can live in the house with the kids. Told her that would mean I would have to move into an apartment and still pay to maintain the house. Told her that would make me very bitter especially considering this is her choice. We could stay where we are and fix our finances, we could sell and both buy smaller places or either one of us could move to an apartment. She started saying that she was having doubts now that things would go smoothly. She said that I was being a bit cocky with this conversation. I’m not sure how she was expecting me to act. Maybe turn into a big puddle. I actually felt good about this comment. Maybe the DBing stuff is working. Maybe I'm detaching?
Probably could have left it there, but we kept talking.
Told her that she always wanted me to tell her if she started acting like her M. Told her that this whole situation was uncanny in its similarities to her M divorcing her F. She said she wasn’t doing it just because her M did. I understand that, but it is still happening. She also said that her F walked out pretty quickly. So the good thing is that I’m not like her F.
Went in and got the kids ready for bed. W was going to sleep in the other room, but ended up sleeping in our bed at my request. (I know... I should have let her go) We talked a little more. She keeps saying that she wants me to be happy and is even looking for someone to hook me up with. There is a girl that she works with that she has been thinking about for me.
Now this is where I really should have shut my mouth...
Asked her about some timeframe questions I had. The journal entry about the first OG was from 11/05. Asked her when that started and if the entry was written as it was happening or retrospectively. She wrote it after the fact. She said it started back when she went on a business trip and it continued for about a year. Never asked if it was just EA or PA. Don't really want to know, it's in the past and done. I found the entry in the summer of 2006 which is when we went to see the JC and she started her IC.
So I'm pretty sure that her really being unsatisfied started back about 5 yrs when we lived with her ILs for about a year. She was miserable there and I didn't give her support. After that she met the OG on business. She starts having big doubts about our R. Because we didn't really deal with the issues, things continue in this downward spiral up to where we are now.
Just a follow up to my last post. W keeps saying that this is so hard on her because I've been such a good husband. Both in the past, but I think that she was more referring to recently. How I'm trying so hard to get things to work.
Do I just keep doing the same things I've been doing? Is the guilt on her part a good thing or is this working against me?
