How many details of OP did you get, want, need?

[saffie]

root,

I always think it's easier to say things to people who are not going to be affected by what you say. Those can be people you are very close to but even so, people who do not have any responsibility or who do not feel there will be repercussions which affect them.

Maybe your H talked to OW freely about certain aspects of his life / feelings as she was not invested so heavily in him or him in her.


When my M was in trouble, but before I was told by my H about his A, I would talk to good friends about what I felt but I would not talk to my H. He was too close and involved. It was my eventual opening up and sharing of my innermost feelings that ultimately caused my H to tell me about his A and then come back to me emotionally. We both had to stop keeping secrets to make it work. I still struggle with this side of our R even today. I do not like confrontation and so find it easier to keep quiet about things in case there will be dischord. I have to force myself to open up but I am SLOWLY learning that it is better. It's 'hard to teach an old dog new tricks' as the saying goes. It takes time and trust and an atmosphere of safety. The trouble is the two things, (trust and safety), go hand in hand which is why for me it is a slow process.

My husband is not by nature secretive and finds it hard to understand how I am about this. I think it is because he is not naturally secretive that he found it relatively easy to tell me all the details about his A. He is also quite forgetful about personal details and so finds it hard to be deceitful as he can never remember what he has said/ done in the past. I guess the fact that he was able to keep an A secret for 18 months was a measure of his desperation!!

Do you think your H feels 'safe' or do you think he may be worried that what he say's might be used against him at some point in the future? Has that happened to him in the past?

Just a few thoughts

Saffie