Yup, I'm still learning about boundaries with him too, although I can say that I've been fairly firm and consistent with all my kids all along. Where I fall down is when I get undermined (for lack of a better term) by MrsGGB's well-intentioned mothering.
Similar thing with S2 and S3 a few weeks back. You might recall my mentioning them doing the fingerpainting thing with their poop on the walls of their bedroom. MrsGGB was getting crushed by it, in one week they did it more than a half dozen times, and each time took her several hours to clean it up (I was away that week). The next time they did it when I was home, I took the task of giving them a bath. I did it with no hot water amid a bunch of crying about cold water. Told them that only cold water takes off the poop. Next day they did it again, and again they got the bath with no hot water, and again I told them that is what happens when they cover themselves and the walls in poop, and that if they did it again they'd get a cold bath again. Next day same thing, except this time as soon as I opened the door to their room they both started saying no cold bath. Again, I told them that poop only comes off with cold water and they got a cold bath anyway. That was the last time they did the poop picasso routine. It's been about a month since the last episode, so I think the message got through. S2 also made it the whole day today without an accident, and even went into the bathroom to poop on his own this afternoon, soooo we have some progress there! (now if S3 would consider using the toilet...). Oh, and my point: MrsGGB was not at all too happy about my giving them a cold bath (it wasn't frigid, just not warm), and we had words about it out of earshot of the kids later. This is fairly typical, and I suppose natural. It just sucks sometimes always having to play the heavy.
Good for you. Poopy walls can be a challenge. Mrs. Tough Azz Corri says this in HIND sight.
I am going to be a kick azz grandma, as the things I will let my GC get away with, to purposely under mind their parents -- in an evil but delayed attempt to get even with her own offspring -- will have NOTHING to do with personal hygiene and ruining dry wall.
In any event.
I cry to my bf all the time about the mean, horrid things my xH is doing TO MY BABY BOYS, to make them unfeeling cads in the life and world of women and men.
He has, like.... less than .02 ounces of sympathy for me. He does, however, honor my... motherly inclinations. That does not mean he makes excuses for me, for them, or their father. What Is. Is. He may not AGREE with the decisions my xH makes... but. He says, out loud... "I don't HAVE to agree with his decisions. I'm not their father. That doesn't mean I wouldn't do things different. But. As I am not their father, and it is obvious the father loves his boys... I'm not getting into it."
Period. End of discussion.
Now. If I am feeling all... momma. He does speak up. I take his views into consideration. I still make MY decisions, as they are MY kids. But... if their father gets harsher than I am willing to get (like conditioning...)... because my sense of being a mother outweighs my willingness to let my son puke through his face mask... no matter how much of an athlete **I** am or have ever been... (not relevant in my mom eyes)... my bf does the 'there, there' thing so I can work through it. He does not call me stupid, or girl, or he does not tell me to just 'get over it, you are being silly. You've been an athlete."
Yeah. But I've NEVER been an athlete WITH OFFSPRING. Different story. Now my DIL (ex actually), has no empathy factor whatsoever. You sign up, you deal.
I think that might be a bit extreme for a five year old.... dunno. But my kids are older, so I digress...
I'm a pansy when it comes to my kids and sports... til they show me otherwise. My oldest son... I don't grind him, but I don't let him off the hook, because he doesn't WANT ME to. So I don't.
My youngest... is still reaching for the point between manhood and the comforts of mom and childhood. I think he will get there natrually; his dad sees it otherwise.
To me... be a kid as long as you can. There is no turning back once you move to leave it.
Shrug. It is not a matter of right and wrong. I will always go with my instinct. I'm not a coddler. I do not function to handicap people. These are MY views. I'm not changing. I am being a mother, the best way **I** know how, and I am not collecting opinions on the matter.
How the dad's deal with it (me) is their prob. But I do appreciate hugs along the way.
GGB. Don't ask your woman to stop being a mom. But don't cave on being The Dad.
Yep, I’m with you on your whole explanation, and I guess the final answer is the usual answer, you decide what you want and whether the other person can meet your wants or not. If not, then you can take some action, including D. Fine. That’s well understood in our M. But we still have the nagging problem of what to do with the kids and how all this would affect them. So it is not a case of finding an optimal outcome, but choosing the lesser of two evils.
My initial response to you is to say... "poor you." If you want to get out... you do what you need to get out. Choc didn't ask how/when to get out; Mojo didn't ask how/when to get out; I didn't ask how/when to get out; I'm not saying 'getting out is IT.' Just don't ask me for, or even imply to ask me, for advice on it. If you have to get out, you get out. You know.
As for your other point. Don't compare Mrs. Cobra to me. Mrs. Cobra is Mrs. Cobra. Deal with her and not some rendition you want her to compare with me... Corri, a rea-ntasy... a screen name... not even a woman of substance, at least where the boards are concerned.
I had that notion going on with my xH, for a time. All the things he wasn't. All the things he didn't realize, like the guys on this board. And that was way back in 'the day.' Way before any of you other guys showed up... HD, you, BF, Stig, Martelo, Crazy Eddie, LM, GGB... I could go on and on.
NOP pretty much yanked my strings. HE wielded the pointy witch shoes, believe it or not. But he did it far nicer than I ever have.
Anyway. Back to you.
Leave Corri out of it. She doesn't exist, in reality, anyway. Deal with Mrs. Cobra. In the time since I first busted your chops, you have come a very long way, and so has your M. If you look back on it, that's not a lot of time at all.
If you want to be in your marriage, be in it.
If you don't, get out.
But don't hold some Corri fantasy up to your wife... "you don't have the realizations that Corri has."
Nope. She doesn't. Doubt she ever will. But. She isn't Corri. Neither am I.
In reality, I am someone else. I am the person who posts, but I am SO MUCH MORE AND LESS than that. I am far more, and far less, than the screen name who posts here, as Corri.
I have morphed the persona of online screen names into reality myself. I compared my xH to them... "wny can't they see things like... xxxx?" Doesn't matter.
xH is and will always be, xH. The problem was NEVER with xH. The problem was with me. My purpose. My goal. What I wanted in life. What made me (not Corri) happy. And how **I** wanted to get there.
I never did, and never WILL regret my decisions to to D.
But those decisions are very personal and not replicable. So don't look for an out from me.
I did NOT make my decision in anger. Nor in petulance. Nor in revenge. It was an active choice. I'm not looking for ^5s or attagirls, or... even... 'too bad you didn't hang on a few months longer,' kind of feedback. I accept FULL and COMPLETE responsibility for my decision.
You... to me... are still looking for an excuse... to get out, or stay in.
Nod.
But. You are a man. And you cannot compare YOU to ME. As I am a woman, and our impetus of action is different.
You have all the 'knowledge' that you need to make a decision, which, quite honestly, you've already made. As a man, you made your decision long ago, for very specific reasons. There is nothing to reconsider or debate.
All I see you doing, now, is looking for an 'excuse' to get out or stay in. You do not seem to be, a man, to me, seeking a decision.
If you want out, get out. Stop using your children as an excuse.
If you want to be IN, get IN. Stop using your wife's inability to be what YOU want her to be, as an excuse.
Now. If you want to talk the variables of humanity, Corri can go there with you, with no judgments, as you take time to make your decision on whether you will honor your decision, or honor you impulse.
I don't care WHAT you do. As long as you do it with FULL self-accountability. And even if you don't, I (Corri) do not care. Even I (the real me) doesn't care. What I DO care about... is if Cobra is true to Cobra. But even then... it really isn't up to me (Corri or no).
HE has the ability to teach them things I cannot, and will NEVER be able to teach them.... that they have to KNOW. Like GGB is teaching his son. Too bad. Sorry you feel that way. Where's my check?
Female: Awh. Let him be. He's our son. Of COURSE he will pay us back. he LOVES us. GGB: Has nothing to do with love. Show me the MONEY. Now.
Anyone who is reading this can see it immediately. No prob. Put yourself into it, with YOUR child, things change.
This made me chuckle, because when I was growing up, it was my mother who was the hardazz and my father who was the softie. My mother would never back down on anything like this, but my father didn't take tough stances like she did. In fact, he deferred pretty much all of the child-rearing to her, even when it came to my brother.
I do understand to some degree (from my experience with S4) how draining it is to be tested all the time, and I can only imagine what it's like with a teen, but still, I honestly don't think I'd be that soft! GGB's boundaries sound completely reasonable to me. I don't think I'd have difficulties enforcing similar boundaries with S4 down the road, especially if cac and I were on the same page. I don't think I'd do as well as sole enforcer like my mother was.
It is absolutely necessary that you continue being consistant and enforcing the boundaries. Otherwise, you get coddled kids who expect to continue to be coddled in life. My xH is now living with his parents due to his 2nd M tanking and him being unable to make a living due to screwing up his professional career and bouncing through a series of low paying jobs. He is the perfect example of someone who was raised with Mama coddling and Daddy allowing it.
GGB It just sucks sometimes always having to play the heavy.
I posted to you, or should I say the ether, last night.
A good way to deal with this is to get away by yourself, or with a group of men. I loved your cold bath solution! that rocked. thanks for the laugh. Boundaries take consistancy and time. Effort. Lots of effort and energy in the beginning.
GGB, no matter what you have --to work on-- you have kept your Large family together for quite a while. It may not be a big deal to you, but it impresses the heck out of me.
Have you seen the new alcohol awareness campaign? They cite a study that says kids do better when they have at least 5 adults who have a vested interest in them. It got me thinking about our natural extended family tribal behavior, compared to what is typical of industrialized countries...
Hmm, I somehow missed your post from last night. Perhaps that's what you meant by posting it to the ether.
I tell you, some days it feels like herding cats would be far easier. Whatever.
Corri, just journalling here, but I wanted to let you know of a little bit of a change in my direction. I meantioned previously that I wanted to work on being more happy-go-lucky. Well it is working, at least to put a smile on my face, and elicit a few chuckles from MrsGGB. First this morning I was (unsuccessfully) trying to warm her up. At one point I tasted her on my finger (I know, TMI), and she says "ew gross, don't do that!". My reply, "Hmm, I suppose you are right. God knows where that finger has been" as I started to move down on her. Got a good chuckle out of her and defused the situation. Anyway we ran out of time (I had to go to an appointment), so on leaving I told her to be ready for me to rock her world when I got back. When I did get home, she's running round cleaning up in a bit of a hurry. I stopped her and gave her a big squeeze and said something like lets go pick up where we left off. She simply replied "straight-laced neighbor lady's name is coming over". I replied, "well, well, well, I wasn't really planning on a threesome, but I suppose that could be fun", gave her a smile, a pat on the bum and got back to what I was doing.
It is definitely having an effect on me, and it seems to be doing something to her as well. Anyway, I'm liking it and am going to keep it up.
(straight-laced neighbor lady got deleted because I used angle brackets)
thanks for the laugh. Boundaries take consistancy and time. Effort. Lots of effort and energy in the beginning.