Afterall...this is MY life II

[heatherg]

My other thread has locked, here is the last post on that thread, from Corri:


Heath:


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Well, I have withdrawn from the R quite a bit currently. We haven't had sex in weeks. That's pretty far from where I'd like to ultimately be in our M, however, I'm not convinced that it's an entirely poor choice as a route for getting to where I want to be.

As you have probably noticed, the porn issue seems to surface and then go back under the rug, then surface again and it has become a cycle. Most recently something came up in conversation that was an easy opening to ask him if he was still up to his videos and internet activity.


I've been nodding all the way through this.


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He said he didn't know. I said 'Well, that's all the answer I need because it tells me everything I need to know'. I have been distant ever since.


Okay, if I knew how to do it in print, I'd sound the 'air raid' siren right here. In any event. I was nodding until this point. PROBLEM.

POP QUIZ: Review the scenario above. WHO introduced the problem? Who continued the problem?


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I have been distant ever since.


Why? What is being distant doing for you? How is it getting you closer to YOUR goal?


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I was very bitter at first, making a lot of sarcastic remarks to him, etc. Although I got a glimmer of satisfaction from it,


OOoooohhhhh... BTDT. Doesn't it feel GOOD, at least until you see you aren't closer to your goal, but probably further away.... (dam it)...


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that behavior didn't make me feel like the person I wanted to be.


Excellent. I KNEW you were a smart chick.


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So after I pushed the limit one night (at one point, he told me I was a "suspicious pig"), I told H that I would try not to be so bitter about it, but beyond that I didn't know what else to do.


Okay. Honest. No comment on his behavior.


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The snooping doesn't make me feel like the person I want to be either. So, I have quit most of that and need to completely unconcern myself with what's he's doing or not doing so that I quit it entirely. I will need to depend on him to either tell me that his attitude has changed if in fact that ever happens.


Excellent.


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When I first distanced myself, I was also feeling resentful because I WANT to be sexual but I'm not feeling like I want to be sexual with HIM right now


Cool


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as a result of his actions.


Problem. Why in the world would you EVER give him the power to control YOUR sexual urges? Or is this a convenient excuse?


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But, I've gotten better with it as I've accepted that this is my decision.


K. So stop blaming HIM. You need sex. What's wrong with that?


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I've been kind and understanding with myself. Right now, I do not FEEL like having a sexual R with H.


Stop. Right. There. The rest of the sentence... I can call B.S. on you for, but, it's far better if YOU do it:


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if he is also going to pursue something outside of us without telling me what it is. Right now, I FEEL that if he wants to have porn, then fine. I release him. He will either get sick of it or he won't. At the point he doesn't, well I guess he's made his choice. If it wasn't me, then I guess I'll have to figure out where to go from there.


Whoa. You are clouding the issue. You are SO MUCH MORE WOMAN than anything he'd see in a porn. HELLO. You just might not feel that, on your own?


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Now, those are my feelings.


Yes. They are YOUR feelings, and have NOTHING to do with the price of tea in China, unless you SAY they do.


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I haven't spoken them out loud before now because I haven't entirely determined whether or not I can go long term in a R with no sex.


HUH? Where did THAT come from? Why does the sexual R you have with your H have anything to do with any of that other stuff?