I just got back from my IC appt. It was a hard one, as I was reeling more than expected (but she expected it--hell, a court date with him after only 6 full weeks out of the house!)
I still want to find the answers somewhere on how to keep this from happening, or becoming so permanent. I know that the only chance is to let go--give time a chance, focus on ME. Focusing on me will be to save my life, and a positive outcome in either direction is possible.
We talked about my reluctance to let go. IC started to broach the suject, but she remembers back to my family of origin. He was more to me than a spouse. He also became my pseudo-parent, as I was not cared for like that as a child (had to fair for myself, then start raising my sis at 10). He promised to take care of me, always fight for me and be my hero. She said, his flaw.
I think that, as I have found with this whole process, I can't push my ways through. But I have to get back in my head when I am around him. I can at least fake-it-until-I-make-it if I stay in my head, business and kids...but around him, even over the phone, my broken heart wants to fix it, influence his choices, make him wake-up...I don't understand how he walked away from so much.
IC said that, listening to all of my relays of what he says, that he is done and has moved on. She said that she still can't predict what the future may be, but right now, he is not available to me any longer. I cried, saying I don't want it to be done. I so don't. She said only time will bring you there, that and no conact/talking. My head knows this, but my heart wants to rebel, because I miss him so--his smell, the sound of his heartbeat, the way I felt in his arms... Anything looking future involves him. I have to rearrange my dreams, or pull back completely and not look past tomorrow (that is what he has done to deal).
I gave IC my copy of Uncoupling. Maybe she can find something in there. But I doubt it at this point. It reiterated the fact that the WAS can't begin to see the positives that were always there in the old R until you show him that you have moved on. But it also might be too late--it is a matter of timing. I am scared.
What if I pushed for so long that he is already past the point of no return?
How do I keep getting through without the focus on saving the M?
He complained that I never did anything around the house, leaving it all up to him. Now, I am doing it all out of necessity...and still finding time to GAL. I only wished he had come to me with a truth I could hear earlier.
But he says that none of that matters, now. His feelings have changed. Period.
He has told me before that it was 2/10 that he "fell out of love with me--felt nothing toward me, only guilt for using me sexually--that something died inside him that night."
He also "fell in love" with CW by the end of April (latest, since that is the first documented trip away they had for a weekend for sex--when did he first kiss her? He can't tell me).
How do you move on so quickly after 21 years?
IC said she wanted me to take my time answering, first from the heart and then the head: Do I think that he is done in our M/R? Both my heart and head said no...I asked her what she thought.
She said, based on all he has said, that he is done, has made a decision and turned a corner, moved on. She said that this is where he is now. NO one can predict how this will all pan out in the end. But I have to save myself, because holding onto a relationship that one doesn't want is self-destructive.
I never knew that a human could be in this deep level of pain in life, esecially with how long I have been doing this. I feel like a fool for holding on for so long...kept asking C how I could fix this, and she tells me that I've done all I can do. More of the same will only drive him further.
Let go (act it at first if it isn't natural). No phone calls. No contact at all. Hsve a friend meet him to pick-up/drop-off kids for a time. Use email. Take focus off him and what he does/doesn't do and put it on me. Eat more normally and drink more water. Become more active--dance, yoga, kickboxing, treadmill, SOMETHING--this week.
Read: Becoming Unafraid, get Boundaries and Nikki's pics from store or Amazon, CT Divorce Law handbook recommended by Educator (to look through in 2 weeks).
This weekend, I have the kids Fri--Mon nights, and we are going down to LI to FINALLY get to the ocean beaches. Camping on Sunday night all the way out East.
