I usually shy away from commenting on newcomers' threads for a couple of reasons: 1. So many times I have poured my heart out into them, and then the newcomer never shows up again. 2. It's hard enough keeping up with the posters I DO feel like I know. 3. Seems like many of them want the quick and easy solutions and are not willing to put in the hard work of looking INWARD.
I'm not necessarily speaking about you, loony...just a general observation.
I guess it is just me that my first reaction to a person who is doing something foolish is not to beat them over the head and tell them they are being foolish.
Okay. I can respect that. But just for the record, I don't think Loon is being or acting 'foolish.' Those are your words, not mine.
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I definitely agree that being judgmental is bad, but I'm not sure how you mean it in this context. Did you feel I was being judgemental in my previous post here?
Nope. I wasn't even thinking of you when I said that.
Chrome, Hmm, I don't think it is all that different. When I first posted here, I got smacked right off the bat, basically telling me to look first at my contribution. To be honest, I wouldn't have made any progress at all without the occasional pointy-toed shoes up my behind. I can't think of a single instance where anybody here made a bit of progress without first recognizing that they had a active part in the way their R stood.
Goodness... that reference to the 'pointy-toed shoes up the backside' is making me think that you might possibly be saying that **I** might have been the wielder of said shoes... gosh, I just can't fathom lil' ole' me EVER doing such a thing... and maybe doing so WITHOUT a purpose, just to be MEAN and bring you down... insult you... add salt to your gaping wound...
Boy. THAT would suck. Huh... now I am really curious to know to whom you may have been referring....
Everyone here - I am digesting all your pearls of wisdom.
I am most interested in getting to know those of you who are investing time and energy into my situation. It would be helpful if I can understand where you are coming from so if you could jot a few notes of your personal situation and/or why you hang around on these boards (or point me to the post on here where you've already done that) I would appreciate it.
MJ, your posts have been most helpful to me so far... I am very interested in knowing more about the Lioness/Monkey/Bunny/Cow dynamics, from both your intruiguing introduction as well as the fact that when my H is being nice to me (more often than not), he calls me Bunny. (When he isn't being nice, he is very fond of not-so-nice name calling including particularly irritating made-up stuff). Can you point me to more information?
thanks again.
Last edited by loonyqt; 08/28/0707:54 PM.
36 y/o HD in committed monogomous relationship for 15 years (at least on my end, assumed on his as well) 2 children, 6.5 dd & 5 ds
I am most interested in getting to know those of you who are investing time and energy into my situation.
I posted to your thread because I was interested. I'm interested in everything and everyone, and sometimes it really sucks. I over-extend myself.
What I will NOT do with you is get into a pissing match. It's a big waste of both our time. That doesn't mean you have to agree with everything I say (and I doubt you would anyway).
You've shown up here for help. It doesn't mean **I** am the one to help you, though I think I can offer an insight or two, here and there. It means... give some thought what is being presented to you, have the courage to see it from another angle, and if what I am saying to you doesn't ring your chimes... just tell me. It's okay. I'll go away. It is my hope that you find the help you seek. I may hinder that more than help it.
But please. Give me the benefit of the doubt... that even tho my methods, AT FIRST, may seem... OFF.... to you... I AM trying to help. Be a little patient.
Afterall, you ARE a highly intelligent woman, and that is readily apparent. But. I'm not pushing your intelligence buttons. I'm pushing your 'emotional' buttons. I probably hit two or three or four... buttons almost immediately... and you LET me. Me, a perfect stranger, you don't know... and are only conversing with over a BB.
That makes me wonder WHY such an intelligent woman would so readily give away her emotional power....
Just so you know... it only took two posts for me to COMPLETELY piss off Cobra... whew. And I mean... wow.
You can, btw, look up the history of anyone's post... I'm sorry, I've just been around here way too long for me to supply you with the links.
And... I just NOW get MoJo's Animal Farm analogy... and I love Mojo to pieces. We've met. Had lunch even. She's a hoot. You'll learn a lot from her... and we are nowhere near being as far off in our understanding as I once thought. **I** lacked understanding of her... now I get it. Hmph. Funny how that happens...
You'll be fine. Have a bottle of lovely wine on me... tho, sorry, you have to buy it.
Well Corri, Actually I was thinking a bit about you and NOPkins, but not in a bad way, and certainly not to be mean, insult or add salt to the wounds. Not sure where the "without a purpose and just to be mean" came from. I wasn't saying that here at all, perhaps I misread the posts that I responded to. Anyway, the early posts I was referring to were more just a whack saying "wake up buddy, part of the problem is you". I just went back and found your first post to me:
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GGB:
Oh STOP with that attitude. Right now.
As anyone knows, deciding to make 'life changes' and implementing those changes and 'living' them are two completely different things. However, if you slide back into the dumps with your wife, the two of you will stay there permanently.
When a woman has at least 20 lbs. to lose, it can be quite a daunting task. You want it off NOW. It's hard to go through those first two weeks of being good, keeping your comfort food away from yourself, dealing with your internal demons, etc., and still not see the numbers on the scale change too dramatically.
I think the best thing you could do for both yourself and your wife is double up on your support. ENCOURAGE her. If she is being crabby and moody, it could be she's already self-destructed on all the changes she wanted to make for you and for her. This isn't a 'too good to be true,' thing... it's a wake-up call for you that you also have some very difficult work ahead of you.
Sure it would be easy for you right now to return to your own patterns of withdrawn behavior and 'poor me, it was too good to be true,' thoughts. You are both being challenged now by real life. She HAS to stick to her diet, and YOU have to stick to being that loving husband you were last week, even though your needs might not be getting met immediately. TALK to her. Try and get her to open up. LISTEN to her. You don't have to fix her problems for her... she needs you to LISTEN to her, hear her fears, give her a hug, help with the diet shopping and cooking, maybe... I don't know. But do you get what I am saying?
Just because her good intentions fell off the radar doesn't mean that your intentions get to fall off as well. This isn't tit for tat. If you are going to make lasting changes in your relationship, you must first make lasting changes within yourself. Stick to your plan of being a more caring, loving, supportive H. That doesn't mean you have to be a door mat, but it does mean that you get to call her on her commitment to improve your lives together... and when she is feeling weak, or down, or glum, you get to carry the load for a bit. And conversely, when you hit a period where you are feeling low, she'll have to carry you.
This isn't HER relationship to fix, it is a relationship the BOTH of you must fix. It is going to take some serious introspection on your part to see where YOU at times self-destruct and get things off course. And you do... We ALL do. You just have to figure out what it is and STOP doing it.
Right now, what I hear you saying is, 'she made some great changes last week... and because I was feeling good, it was easy for me to do nice things for her. But now that she isn't being so great, why should I have to be so great to her?'
Isn't so easy to be that great H when you aren't getting what you want so easily, huh? See your challenge?
All I can say to you is, keep reading those books, keep your spirits up, and be the husband you decided to be last week regardless of your wife's behaviors... not because it gets you more sex, but because it makes you feel better about you. THAT's the tough part.
Best wishes,
Corri _________________________ You can't see what you can't see. Until you do.
There is a difference between knowing the path and walking the path. -- The Matrix.
I was smart back then. Who knew? Wow. And I think I've become MORE BLUNT as the years have gone on. Age. I guess.
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Not sure where the "without a purpose and just to be mean" came from. I wasn't saying that here at all, perhaps I misread the posts that I responded to.
They weren't from you at all. No worries. My own subtle injection there.
