back to square -1 or -10000

[cat03]

you are a sweety PS

Had a great time, even had the whole morning to myself too, so it was nice.

Things between H and I are going inch by inch, he's still seing the T and not ready to talk about M yet, and I'm a bit ...well.. confused about what I want now. It's a bit scary, I'm trying not to, but thinking of the lies he told me when I was trying to please him n being good and have all that kicked in my face while he was with op really gets to me.

I got "not just friends" for the first time, great info about healing, wish I'd read it earlier, will do some more reading. It says the the first 3 mtns are hardest and are downfalls, yup, sometimes I wonder "why I'm doing this?". I dont' even recognice myself sometimes, Im being pesimistic.

still not sleeping together, I don't know when I'll feel like it, he said that fateful day that we didnt' have "chemistry" ... I know, it was the A infatuation... but still, it hurt to hear that, I always tried to do new things or at least to do things differently, he didnt seem to be into trying things a different way and was ok with our ML before the A. I saw a book he bought for when he was w/her, he actually asked me to get one because he was too shy, I meant to but never got a chance. Well, the book wanst meant to be used on me (those are the little indignities that hurt me lots), he wanted more ideas to please op.

I feel distant, I dont know how to be with him sometimes, I know that we won't heal if I keep my walls up and act distant, and him still working on his issues isnt' able to reach out, so we might be at arms lenght for a while.

Anyways, the sick feelings are less frequent and shorter, I feel good most mornings. We are going on vacation for a few days, he asked me not to ask him questions, I dont' think I have any, I was going to ask to see his phone, but decided not to, the T told him that if he wanted our M and his theraphy to work there was to be no op contact at all (since he changed his phone # and return her keys seems like that will be the end of op)

SIGH, and here comes another day, need more positive reads, go back to the basics I guess. Hugs to all))) have a great week, won't be around this week much.