I've been married 11 years; together 17. No kids. I have been out of the house for three months. I've got plenty of problems I'm working on, and WAW knows a bit about this. But she only knows the tip of the iceberg as she doesn't want to talk about the deep stuff now. I have avoided doing most of the mistakes that sets this process back. I have my problems, but I'm more convinced than ever that MLC is also a big issue here. I've read a lot of the MLC threads, and they are revealing!
Here's what I struggle with. My wife feels I didn't love her enough. She said she thought I'd simply walk away when she asked for the separation. She knows I haven't done that. I agree with a good part of her analysis of my problems (though there are many other layers of problems here). So, part of me feels that to get a new marriage with her (I agree the old one is dead; and in many ways good riddance!) I need to show her at least some affection. From time to time I've left a few small tokens of love--a flower, a bottle of wine, etc. No notes, no R talk, just a token of love.
On the other hand, I read over and over that perhaps total detachment is the way to go, that these MLC have to work themselves through the crisis. She herself said when we separated that she needed to figure out if she could trust me with her future. At this point, I don't believe she feels she has any real work to do on owning some of her issues in the relationship. I feel she simply sees herself as a victim. She is, but there's so much more to it than that. At least I feel there is; she needs to own some things as well, but she doesn't seem ready for that. She briefly told me on the phone a few weeks ago that she thought I needed to work on myself, and she needed to work on her self-esteem to figure out why she put up with my faults for so long! Good questions that need to be explored by each of us, but if she feels that's all that needs to happen I'm not going back to her. I need her to own some things.
As we all know, her perception is her reality. Given that is what I think her paradigm is right now, should I continue to drop off small tokens of love? I fear that if I stopped all such activity (I do it every couple of weeks now), it would only confirm the side of her that believes I don't love her enough, or that I'm giving up on us and thus justify to herself the decision to separate. Another side of me wonders if my actions are nothing more than attempts to soothe myself. She has thanked me occasionally for them, or kept the flowers in the vase for several days (I go by the house periodically to pay bills, mow the lawn, etc.).
She's never talked about divorce, and as far as I know has not moved in any way in that direction. I don't have any evidence of OM. She sounds like she's trying to find herself, and these issues are partly related to me but go much deeper. She's in therapy (as am I), and she's been in therapy for years. Given how little contact we have on the deep stuff (we email about caring for our dogs; shuttle them back and forth but she makes sure to be gone when I pick them up or drop them off), I'm just not sure what the best approach here.
Thanks to all for any insights/experiences you might share. This is a wonderful community that means a great deal to me as I wrestle with this hell.
