I have been playing guitar for thirty-five years. During the course of my musical life, I have grown from being completely carefree about playing for people (when very young) to being incredibly nervous and apprehensive (mid to late teens) to being relatively comfortable (in working bands for 25 years) to being completely comfortable with my groove (the last, oh, five years or so). My comfort level has steadily increased as my skill level and my self-confidence has increased. For awhile, I could only play for family, then friends, then strangers who were expecting to like what they heard, had come for a specific kind of music, to strangers who were uncertain what they were going to hear. Now, hell I'll throw down anywhere, anytime, at the slightest provocation. I really like the style I've developed over the years, and am comfortable enough to play for anyone. If they don't like it, well, different strokes ya' know?

I have been being LoveMatters for forty-seven years. During the course of my life, I have gone from being completely carefree in my self expression (when very young) to being incredibly nervous and apprehensive through my teens. What measure of self-esteem I had came entirely from my involvement with music. Married young, crashed and burned due to my inability to keep it in my pants (seeking external validation?, I still cary guilt about this). Married again, to a woman who was exactly like me (insecure, needy). I have achieved some measure of professional success, have five great, well adjusted kids, and my music is still going strong. But at forty-seven, I am faced with the possible dissolution of my marriage, and am in a crisis of self-confidence.

WTF?

You would think that having more experience being me than at playing the guitar would have me to the point where I could throw down, be myself, anytime, anywhere, at the slightest provocation in my personal life. That by this time, I would be comfortable enough with myself to just stride confidently into my future, smokin'.

Not so...

I have come to realize that my problem is that I have been practicing all these years to be SOMEONE ELSE. I have been doing those things that I thought would provide me a measure of admiration, love, and success. Not just being me. Huge internal dissonance. I have only come to realize this through the marriage crisis I am currently going through. The people here, the many different books I have read, the self-examination I am going through all lead to this conclusion.

Lucky me, I could have been someone else FOREVER! Whew, that was close! (I think that's going to be my signature from now on)

I need to practice being me. Period. And hope it doesn't take another thirty-five years to get comletely comfortable with my groove.

Now, I just gotta figure out what being me looks like, feels like, smells, sounds, and tastes like.

Corri's workshop is a good start.

LM

Lucky me, I could have been someone else FOREVER! Whew, that was close!