Well, she just went. Must have been here for about 1.5 hours in all. She's gone home to eat and watch the football. Once again it felt really weird and we were both quite awkward for most of that time, but it got a little better towards the end (i.e. slightly more natural). Now she's gone I'm feeling really upset again. It's so hard to see her and spend time with her sometimes you know, and then she goes again. All those feelings are still there, as raw as ever. How can someone have that much emotional pull on your insides?
We talked a lot about what we've been up to. I was upbeat about the holiday and showed her a video slideshow that each member of the group came back with. We talked a lot about jobs and this and that. It seems that she is not quite as busy in the evenings as I thought, but seems very happy with her single life. Discussed a bit about money issues and her holiday plans. No real R talk at all. I still feel absolutely no love coming from her or any form of regrets about her decision.
We spoke briefly about meeting up again, which she is happy to continue doing. However she suggested meeting again in a month's time which I was completely shocked by (and it showed). If anything that's reducing the frequency of our contact, not increasing it which I don't take as a good sign, even if I do have a busy month coming up. As she left she said that we could see how we go and possibly meet up sooner. I felt that was a gesture towards me, not necessarily something she feels the need to do. I said before she went that although it is always awkward between us, she shouldn't think that this means that I don't want to meet her, I do enjoy meeting up with her. We'll see...
I think you're right about thinking much more about the 180s. I need to really focus on this. Other than that I have little idea as to how to rekindle any feelings she may have for me. I guess I need to take it slowly and be upbeat and patient. On the subject of caring, like you I can't believe that she doesn't care, but I see so little evidence (and there was no emotional or physical abuse). It's as if she has no emotions at all sometimes. I think perhaps that she is just happy with her decision to leave and will move forwards as best she can.
Although I would like to ask her how she views me I am too scared of the answer at the moment. I think she will say she views me as a friend, nothing more and I can't hear those words again. As I've said, just seeing her again completely devastates me emotionally each time. It's like being hit by a brick. I just feel like crying right now. I hate this.
Thanks for the support again - it really helps. Sorry to be so down today (again). I seem to need to do a lot of venting at the moment.
Max
Me 36 W 37 Bomb (Easter 07) Sep (WAW July 07) "It's over" (end Oct 07) T10.5 years, M2 (before bomb)
