I asked H to leave; regret-now what?

[Luluber1]

I believe I overreacted when I asked my H to leave our home. It was done in anger and I think I was too hasty and trying to get him to change. After an argument 2 weeks ago I told him to leave, then we talked and I retracted and both of us said we'd try. The issue is over working 70-80 hrs a week, being uncommunicative, not doing anything as a couple. He feels my expectations are too high although he has made a 180 turn since we married 2 yrs ago; and he has begun a side business 18 months ago. I think I became a complainer and it hurt the situation. I tried keeping myself busy,but I didn't feel it was helping; I became very lonely. Last week he didn't come home all night; when he called in the morning he didn't apologize and finally said he had been angry all week with me for telling him to leave, got drunk, stayed in his car all night and didn't answer my calls.( He doesn't drink often). I told him to come get his things and leave. He didn't fight it but did apologize. After he left, I emailed him a day later to get some bill info. He emailed the info back and said "I hope you're okay." No futher word. He is a proud man, unforgiving many times, and is private.
After reading several DB articles and posts I can see how I was going about this in the wrong way.
I regret what I said and did but I also feel I can't let someone walk over me like that. I want to call or email him but I don't know if I should; I guess I'm afraid of being rejected.
Should I be patient and bide my time or make the first move since I'm the one who told him to leave.
Married 2 1/2 years

[Sara]

Don't tell us. Tell him. You and he both really need to control the way you act. If you didn't let your anger control you, you wouldn't have to eat your words. anyway, you need to develop decent communication skills. Arguing and saying mean things to each other may be funny and end well on Everybody Loves Raymond, but it is no way to live your life. So get control, send him an email and act nice. Tell him you want to work things out.

Perhaps a letter is the best way to communicate since you escalate into arguing when you talk. It's OK to tell him you feel lonely because he works so hard. Maybe you could help him with his work. Maybe he can set aside some time to be with you.

Good luck.

[Luluber1]

You're right, I will tell him in an email. Thank you.

[mkultra]

Try listening to Dr. Kreidman's Light Your Fire for Women. I WISH I listened to these CDs before asking my H to leave! His ego is so bent, he will not come home. He sleeps at his OW's place most nights because she "understands him"! The Dr. mentions that a man IS his job. Women do not have to define themselves through their work. Women also are raised getting many compliments per week, being noticed by other men and women. Men do not. They need a lot of sypathy and attention. Sounds like babysitting but men are in a fragile place in our culture. Sometimes I wish I could have just given my H a hug that night. He needed one person to be there so he found someone else. Loser move, yes. But all in the past.

[Luluber1]

Would you believe that I did order these CD's and listened to half of them and was starting to do some of the strategies. I feel like a loser that even the CD's didn't help, but in reality I wasn't being consistent with them and I got discouraged when he didn't respond the way I wanted him to.Yes, I remember that a man is his job and I guess I just couldn't accept that I wasn't included, although I offered many times to assist. I need to develop patience.
BTW I did email him an apology, three days ago, for asking him to leave, told him I overreacted and mentioned a couple of things I did admire about his effort in the past. I didn't say I love you and refrained from sounding like I was pleading for him to return.
In the meantime I read and took notes of M's book and visited a really insightful website http://www.understandingmen.com and they had a lot of articles: boy have i been approaching my discontent in all the wrong ways.
At this point I have been getting anxious that my H has not contacted me. What do you think about contacting him just to let him know he has mail waiting for him here. Is any contact okay? or should I wait until he contacts me?

[mkultra]

The thing is my H was actually waiting for a reason to leave. He was already checked out of the M but had I read DB prior to seperation it would have worked out better. Too bad people only seek out the book a week after they kick someone out. It is not too late for you. Try the assignments on the CD. Take everyone's advice on the forum. You will either get a better marriage or get rid of a bad marriage. Either way, you will be better off trying to save your marriage, knowing you did everything in your power to be a more understanding and accepting spouse.

[Luluber1]

It's a really hard day today. My sis-in-law called me and said she was sorry to hear about the separation, talked bad about my H and then told me H had told her a few months ago that he didn't think he loved me anymore-why do people tell you these things?! I'm heartbroken and it's taking everything not to contact him, confront him, etc. Then I remember M's book: what goal do I want to achieve? (reconciliation) Would getting angry and confrontational bring me towards that goal? Also a part of me says that if he doesn't love me then I should just know so I can proceed with a divorce-maybe, as stated by mkulta, H was waiting for a reason to leave; that way he could blame me. A bill came in last night that needs to be paid in 3 days, so I need to contact him, but I can't trust myself to do that with the hurt I'm currently feeling.

[Luluber1]

My H has not contacted me about upcoming bills. He had bad credit and I financed business equipment in my name-now the large bill is due. He has not responded to email or voicemail messages about the bills.I know creditors don't care who pays or the situation; they will come after me and my credit will be damaged. What does one do in this kind of case. Is it time to see an attorney?

[mkultra]

I would not see an attorney as it may look like you want a divorce. It does not sound like you want a divorce. Try to avoid a legal seperation if possible. Of course, protect yourself but be careful when taking legal action whilst DBing. Of course, I may be filing for WIC this week and I am working and working on my Master's and I am still probably going to be on welfare. Sweet.

[Luluber1]

You're right, I don't want a divorce, but I don't know how to financially protect myself other than a legal separation. It's really difficult to decide what to do when he does not respond to messages. If I pay the bill I can't make the mortgage payment. If I don't pay then I will incur $1000 of deferred interest. He already knows the specifics of the bill. I don't want to get my in-laws involved either.
That sucks about WIC and I hope you'll be in a better financial situation when you complete the Masters.Thanks.