You are a real inspiration for me, and you always have been, I hope you know that!
Glad you had a nice night with the kids and xh. It's good that you have peaceful moments of co-parenting.
One thought.
I hear you about feeling angry at yourself for feeling nervous and pleasing when he's around.
I suspect I would feel the same way if I ever saw my H live (and that will likely never happen until court and never again). I certainly felt it when he started MLC.
It was definately a pleasing thing back then - wanting them to be happy, not in a sour mood (my H was a neat freak too, and I am so laid back messy - not worth getting a D for, though!). Even friends piped in and said that H's moods permeated a room and made them uncomfortable. I suspect our H's are most similar here.
But, now, I think more than pleasing, the nervousness comes from wanting to know, and show, that you are doing great, BETTER, even. Not just showing xh, but yourself. I say this b/c I get caught pushing myself in certain aspects only to want to be better and do better than H's mess now, almost to "get away" from that awful and sordid life he has created. I think these guys put us through a sordid, dirty, trashy hell for 2-3 years, a life we had never imagined or grew up knowing....so now we push ourselves to be as "normal" and straight and high functioning as possible.
I spoke to another BB friend who had a similar experience....she wanted her H to see that she was OK, did not fall down and to pieces and that she managed to build a good life for herself.
