Why do i feel so lousy that i let my husband have it today. It is that time of the month and know that i always feel emotional around this time. Deep down i know that he is giving what he is capable of right now and i should just let things go and not make a big issue of it but still find it difficult to completley drop that rope. I do fine for a while and something like today just sets me off and speak without thinking. I know that everything i said to my husband today, he already knows and feels extremely guilty for because in one of his text today he said that the guilt is killing him.
On a positive note i have started painting my hall stairs and landing and am actually doing ok .
The weather has been really nice today so D3 has been playing out in the garden with her cousins. Once again today though she got a bit upset because she wants her daddy to stay here, she seems to be going through a stage where she is becoming more aware of the situation and is verbally expressing her feelings more.
Hope everyone is ok
Nicky
Me 34 H 33 D3 together 10 years married 2 years Bomb 22/8/06 (I feel empty) OW involved
Hey Nicky, I understand how you feel about seeing the OW. My H's OW lives down the same road I do. I have to pass her house everyday! Im am even afraid to go for a walk with my kids because she might drive by and I would probably make a face at her! UGH, she is so ugly BTW!
Your H's guilt should be killing him, but he brought it all on himself. Take care of your daughter. He will see what he is missing one day.
My H's ow also had a 14 yr old son and it would make me so mad to think he was spending evenings with her and him and not my kids. Still makes me mad. My H is home for now, but he and OW are still friends, I think that is what is so difficult right now and he will probably leave again, because of her.
Just take it one day at a time. That is all any of us can do.
Take Care.
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
I have had the week off work so have been doing some decorating which i managed to get finished today .
If i am honest i have had an emotional week with regards to my sitch, probably too much thinking time while painting. I found out that my husband has not signed the official document to start the divorce proceedings at the court. He was suppose to do this about 6 weeks ago, so today i txt him:
Me: Is guilt the only reason that you are not signing the divorce papers.
H: I guess so and it is also hard
Me: Why is it hard? other than guilt
H: Loosing our friendship
Me:I am sorry but i don't feel that i would be able to sustain the kind of friendship that we have had for the past 10 years, once we are not married. There can't be 3 in a marriage so i guess it will be me that has to go.
H: Wat has brought all this on today
Me: Just been thinking some things through. A part of me will probably alway love you and wish you happiness.
H: I know you will always be there for me Nic, your a solid role model 4 our daughter and i have nothing but respect for you. D3 will grow into a confident young lady with you by her side. Your the one person that she truly loves and respects x
I think that i have now lost all hope for my marriage. The only reason he is stalling on the divorce is because he does not want to lose my friendship. The problem is i will not be demoted from wife/lover/friend to just friend while he shacks up with someone else and her son. I truly feel that the divorce will be the end of any relationship i have with my husband. This is so sad after 10 years, he can just throw it all away, give up on seeing is little girl grow up and us being the only true stability he has ever really known.
Now is life consists of getting drunk, flirting with all sorts of women, being with a family that is not really his, a mounting of debt. I find this quite sad for a 33 year old man to be living his life this way, like an 18 year old.
There is no way at the moment that he could possibly know how he would feel without me in his life because he has never had to deal with it. I have remained his friend and in many ways his support through all of this. The trouble is i think it will be too late by then because we will already be divorced. He just can't see what a good thing he had with D3 and i and that is the saddest part of all because we are probably the only people that have ever truly loved him unconditionally.
Like i said been quite emotional for me this week but i usually find that i have moments like this and come out even stonger, i suppose its all part of the process.
Hope evryone is ok
Nicky
Me 34 H 33 D3 together 10 years married 2 years Bomb 22/8/06 (I feel empty) OW involved
Wow, Nicky, sounds like you are talking about my H. He is scared to death that I will hate him for the rest of his life. He wants to be good friends. I have said that friends don't hurt one another. Maybe they are twins?
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Now is life consists of getting drunk, flirting with all sorts of women, being with a family that is not really his, a mounting of debt. I find this quite sad for a 33 year old man to be living his life this way, like an 18 year old.
I am in a dilema and i don't know what to do , this morning i phoned my husband to speak to D3 and she was screaming in the background and would not talk to me on the phone. It turns out she was screaming because she wanted to go in OW and my husbands bedroom. My gut feeling is telling me that when i rang, my husband quickly got D3 out of there bedroom and then made out that it was because he was trying to get her dressed. He kept saying to her talk to mummy and then we can go to the park, the trouble is, if he had been up with her he would have know that it is raining really hard and so there would be no way they could go to the park. I think what is happening is that on a morning D3 and OW S4 get up and play while my husband and OW stay in bed, This is not acceptable to me, in the past my husband has promised me that he has too much respect for D3 and i to allow for D3 to be exposed to them being in bed together, why can't he just get up with D3 when she wakes up and take her down stairs, i am not asking for much considering everything that has happened. At the moment i feel so disrespected by my husband and don't know where i want to go from here. I feel like telling him that if he can't respect D3 enough then she can no longer stay over unless he takes her to his mums.
Again my gut was telling me he was lying, even when he swore on D3 life and my gut feeling has never been wrong yet. I am so sick of loving a man who obviously has no respect or consideration to how things have affected D3 and i, in fact the man i love would never have done this, i don't know him anymore, everything it is still all about him and OW.
Hope everyone is ok
Nicky
Me 34 H 33 D3 together 10 years married 2 years Bomb 22/8/06 (I feel empty) OW involved
Had a great weekend, although the weather has been miserable. I went out last night with a friend for a couple of drinks and then today i went shopping and bought a couple of bits for the house, retail therapy always works unless you are in MLC of course .
I have decided that i will never probably know the truth about whether D3 goes into their room, it is not something i can control unless i stop her sleeping over but then that means D3 would get to spend less time with her dad which is not fair to her. It does sadden me that if it is happening my husband obviously isn't respecting D3.
On a positive note My husband took D3 swimming without OW and her son, so at least they got to spend a bit of quality time together.
Hope everyone is ok
Nicky
Me 34 H 33 D3 together 10 years married 2 years Bomb 22/8/06 (I feel empty) OW involved
This past week for what ever reason has been hard, i have really missed my old husband, i'm not sure what what trigured it other than it being the 1 year anniversary since the bomb. I suppose that i have realised that the odds are against for him coming back home. My husband seems to be in the withdrawl period again, only contacting to speak to D3, once again seems content with things, not overly happy but not very unhappy either. He seems to cycle so much with his emotions, i sometimes wonder whether he even realises that he is doing it.
This week i have thought about the fact that I did not have a very good childhood, my mother was quite abusive, my dad died when i was just 13 and so i grew up thinking that i could never please people until i met my husband. He made me feel so safe, made me feel that i was worth something, made me feel loved and wanted, i could tell him anything because we truley were best friends. When he left my world was shattered, the one person in the world that i thought loved me unconditonlly, turned round and said he did not love me anymore, i was heart broken. Deep down i know that my husband would not have hurt me in this way intentionally and so i truly believe he is going through something that he at the moment is unable to understand and i hope for his sake he can find the strengh to heal himself. I have always been a person to try and fix things but i know that i am not able to fix him he has to do it himself.
Well after what seems to have been an emotional week for me i feel that i am back on track . D3 and i have had such a great day today, the weather has been really nice and D3 had some friends over to play. I managed to get the lawn mowed and a few other jobs that needed to be done. I start back to work tomorrow after being off for a week, so back to being busy lol.
I have been invited to a couple of parties in the next few weeks. At one of the parties, the 22 year old that was flirting with me a while back will be there . I just intend to enjoy myself and if i get flirted with again, it will be good for my PMA .
Hope everyone is ok
Nicky
Me 34 H 33 D3 together 10 years married 2 years Bomb 22/8/06 (I feel empty) OW involved
I can't believe how much better i feel this week, i wish i could skip PMT - it gets me everytime and makes me into a crazy woman .Had a great few days, back at work so things have been busy for me again.
Husband came and picked D3 up today and took her to a birthday party, someone associated with OW. D3 enjoyed herself which i suppose is the main thing. While husband was here he told me that he got another tatoo, this one is on his back. It is a big cross with Gorazde written in it. Groazde is the place that my husband was based when he served in Bosnia. He is obviously still trying to deal with his emotions with regards to his time spent there. This is the third tattoo since he left, the other 2 are D3 and my stepsons name on the side of each foot.
Hope evryone is ok
Nicky
Me 34 H 33 D3 together 10 years married 2 years Bomb 22/8/06 (I feel empty) OW involved
.
, this morning i phoned my husband to speak to D3 and she was screaming in the background and would not talk to me on the phone. It turns out she was screaming because she wanted to go in OW and my husbands bedroom. My gut feeling is telling me that when i rang, my husband quickly got D3 out of there bedroom and then made out that it was because he was trying to get her dressed. He kept saying to her talk to mummy and then we can go to the park, the trouble is, if he had been up with her he would have know that it is raining really hard and so there would be no way they could go to the park. I think what is happening is that on a morning D3 and OW S4 get up and play while my husband and OW stay in bed, This is not acceptable to me, in the past my husband has promised me that he has too much respect for D3 and i to allow for D3 to be exposed to them being in bed together, why can't he just get up with D3 when she wakes up and take her down stairs, i am not asking for much considering everything that has happened. At the moment i feel so disrespected by my husband and don't know where i want to go from here. I feel like telling him that if he can't respect D3 enough then she can no longer stay over unless he takes her to his mums.
. I just intend to enjoy myself and if i get flirted with again, it will be good for my PMA