Kids and I got back from OBX. W avoided me for about 15 minutes until kids were settled in front of TV. Then she approached me and told me how furious she was that I made her drive home from vacation alone. Nine hour drive when I new how she can get tired from driving. I validated her feelings. Told her that I was sorry that it happened that way. That I understood how angry she was. Then I couldn't help but to defend myself. Told her that she was the first one to suggest that it would be better if she left. That I agreed that it would be the best thing for everyone. Told her that she was there on vacation in body, but not in mind. That she was off with someone else. She was furious for having been made to leave her kids there and to lie to them about the reason for leaving.
We took up the conversation on the deck. Same things over again. Explained to her how rude it was of her to be on the phone with OM every night in the bathroom. How embarassing it was to me. She reiterated that she was only talking to him as a friend and listening to his issues with the divorce. The night that things blew up, he had to tell his kids about the D. I started asking about the OG. Why he had gotten divorced. She said his W is a bitch and puts him down and is very controlling. Then she pointed out that the OG is not the issue. The issues have been her lack of feeling intimate with me. She wants me to be happy more than anything. She doesn't want to work on the R and have the same thing happen down the road again. She doesn't want to grow old with me and feel bitter about the R. I told her I felt that things could work out and that the R would be better than before. She is done working and just wants to move on.
We talked about the success stories for marriages that are saved and rebuilt, but then she pointed out that for every such story, she can point out a situation where a person got divorced / remarried and is happier than before. (still think patching up the first marriage if more desirable especially if kids are involved). She several couples that we know that are currently happy in their second M.
I then asked her how she would feel if I had an interest in someone else. She got very excited at this possibility and I ended up telling her about the girl I've been talking to at work. Told her that I didn't intend on pursuing anything, but it made me feel good that there were other possibilities out there. Weird that she was excited about this.
Talked for a while more and then finally asked her where we go from here. She refuses to work on us, so the only alternative for her is to split. We talked about lawyers vs mediation. Told her I wouldn't be the one to pursue it, but that she could. She seemed taken aback by this turn in the discussion and told me that she wasn't ready to keep talking about this. She said she needed to go out for a drive to think. Before she left, she came up to me and gave me a full kiss on the lips and heartfelt hug. I kissed her again before she left. She left the house about 10PM. I put the kids to bed. She came back about 11PM. Still sleeping in the same bed.
Today we went out as a family to go bowling. My S has been bugging us to go for a long time. I hate bowling, so I thought this would be a good demonstration of how I was willing to be flexible and accomodating. W beat me quite soundly the first round. She is definitely the better bowler and was very happy that she was kicking my butt. Probably why I dislike it so much. I did much better the second round and beat her, although her average was better than mine. I actually had a very nice time with W and kids.
Had dinner and after the kids were finished, she started talking a little about the R. I really held back this time. She asked what my feelings really were about going through with the D. I told her that I really wasn't thrilled with the idea and that what I really wanted was to work on us. I asked her about her mothers D from her father. Interestingly enough (and I don't know why I didn't know this before), same situation. Her M told F that she wasn't feeling it, didn't want to work on it. In their case though, the F left quickly without any fight. Seems as though W is following in M's footsteps, but she thinks she'll do things differently. That our situation will be different.
W asked if it would be okay if she goes out tonight with a girlfriend. I have no problem with that. She's going out quite often now and I'm starting to feel bad for the kids. They always ask where mommy is and when she'll be back. It's getting old now.
W got home around 3AM last night. I did a good job of not calling or texting. Just gave her the space. When she came home she went straight to bed on the futon in the office. Didn't even come into our bathroom to get ready. I was awake, but didn't hear her come upstairs. I went into the office and found her on the futon. Asked her why she was sleeping in here. She said she didn't want to wake me. I asked if she wanted to come into our bed. (I know, that was a mistake) She said no, so I left it at that.
The days really are a big roller coaster. Yesterday bowling was great, but she really seemed to start putting up the walls in the evening.
Tonight went to the IL's for dinner. I was very reluctant to go as I thought my MIL was going to rip me a new a-hole. Things were a little tense. At one point in the evening when I was alone with MIL, I told her that I would like to talk to her about the R. She said that would be great, and that we could see what we could do to make the M work. I was shocked. Later in the evening my MIL and FIL asked me when I would have some free time. I have tomorrow off, so I will talk to them over lunch. I was surprised that they seemed so supportive. One thing that was driving me crazy was that W was texting just about the whole time we were there. She was not discrete about it this time.
Got home from IL's and sat with W watching TV. She asked when I was going to talk to my mother and what I would tell her. Told her I would just give her the story of what has been happening. She turned to me and asked "So what are we doing?" The other night we had discussed D and mediation. I replied that I still believed in the M and our R. She rolled her eyes. Told her that I knew that she was done working on it, so she should be the one to take the next step. She started saying something about me now painting her as the bad guy in the situation. Trying to get people on my side. Then she went up to bed. I went up a few minutes later to say a couple of things. Told her that I was sorry for giving her the impression that I was ready to end it the other night, but even then I had said it needed to be her that took the next step. She said fine, then I'll do it my way. Asked her what that meant. She said that she could see that I wasn't going to cooperate and go along easily in a mediation type of situation. Told her that she was making a big assumption. Left it at that.
Took the kids to the IL's house. They swam while I had a talk with MIL. Told her everything from the beginning. I don’t think she had been aware of our original marriage counseling session. It sounds like W painted a picture where I was unwilling to work on the relationship and put all the responsibility on her. We talked about the current counselor and I told her that she is okay, but I’m not getting a lot of value from it. She told me that I should go out and find another counselor. Keep looking until I find someone that provides me the support and advice I’m looking for. I don’t think she was aware of the situation with OG. She seemed surprised by that. She remembers W and OG playing together when they were really little. Overall, she seemed to want things to work out between us, but I think she is really trying to stay neutral. Probably better if she doesn’t try to push anything. Talked about her situation with her ex and how similar it was to ours. Told her that W is now looking at her mom as a success story for a divorce as she is now remarried.
Met with a lawyer today just to get some info and see if sitting back and waiting is the best strategy. Talked about child custody. Told him it looked like she was looking for 75 / 25. He wasn’t surprised at this because it fits with the child support formula for most time for me and most support for her. If I were to go higher on nights, the support would drop. He recommended thinking about the kid’s schedules first and see how everything would fit before trying to shoehorn them into some mathematical equation. Told him I wanted to continue working on things and asked if it would be wise to just wait for her to file. He said that he would recommend that at this point. It wouldn’t jeopardize anything from my point. Also asked if it would be wise to move out. He said that too would be okay, as long as we had a childcare plan in place. I feel good that I’ve at least taken the first step to protect myself.
Evening with the W was not bad, probably cause we didn't talk. Home now. W never touched her cell this evening. It stayed in her purse all night. That’s the longest I’ve seen her go without using the phone since she first got it. She was also very busy doing housework tonight including laundry and cleaning our bathroom. I was expecting her to ask about my talk with MIL, but she never brought it up. Slept in bed with W. Some small talk before falling asleep. Actually slept soundly through the night.
Got some emails from W this morning asking how the talk with MIL went and what else I did yesterday. Told her talk was nice and that MIL was remaining neutral. Told her I ran some errands. (if you read the previous post, you'll see that I went to visit a lawyer). Emailed back and forth a couple of times. I skirted the topic of what I was actually doing. She finally wrote back "do you really think I don't know what you were doing yesterday???"
Cat's out of the bag. Wondering how this will play out tonight. She's going out with one of her girlfriends but should be home on the early side.
D - Are you sure you want a discussion? You could just say you went for info and leave it at that because it's true. If the time comes to discuss detail then your lawyer will advise you how to proceed.
I don't want the discussion, but I think you answered my question. I just went to educate myself and get information, which is exactly what the circumstances were. I guess I'm always just expecting the worst. Gotta work on my As If and being happy.
kudos to you.. and if it makes you feel any better... most of the stuff I wrote in that specific post, was stuff that I did terribly at, myself. I'm unfortunately nowhere near marital recovery yet but I think my relationship with my wife is at least improved from where it was, when I was doing those things.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
heya... sounds like you're another lucky one, where MIL is *potentially* on your side. good for you.
quickie again:
if your wife brings up R, i dont think it's bad to talk about it. Just no begging, etc. Sounds like you did really good, where you affirmed your commitment.
About the lawyer: Just make it clear that you went for a consultation, so that you know what to expect, if it comes up again.
Sounds like your wife is really, REALLY hostile, and alomst totally committed to divorcing you at this point. She's just reluctant to take that final step.
If you like to "not go there", I would suggest not bringing up ANY kind of conflict. for, say... the next month :-/
Quote:
I then asked her how she would feel if I had an interest in someone else. She got very excited at this possibility and I ended up telling her about the girl I've been talking to at work. Told her that I didn't intend on pursuing anything, but it made me feel good that there were other possibilities out there. Weird that she was excited about this.
no, it's not wierd. its quite obvious by this, that she is interested in other people. That guy, specifically. And if you are also interested in other people, then "divorce is the 'right' thing to do for both of you'. SO you can "both be happy".
To be blunt: you were dumb to ever bring this up.
I'll take a shot in the dark, and make the following observations
1. Your wife is"done working on the marriage". That means, you will have to do all the work, for quite a long time. dont bother even trying to get her to put in any serious effort. It may just piss her off, and make her want to escape more.
2. I'm guesssing you should probably focus less on saying "I think we can work things out", and focus more on actually DOING the "work". ie: find out why she doesnt feel connected with you, and try to fix it. from your side.
3. be happy she still wants to do fun things with you and the kids. Keep it up, while not smothering her.
Those are my non-professional suggestions to ya good luck!
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
but I think my relationship with my wife is at least improved from where it was, when I was doing those things.