Corri, This is where I am having difficulties with the withdrawing: I'm not sure at this point if it was a subconcious thing to try to get a desired reaction out of her or because I wanted it for me. I think I did it for me, but I have my moments of doubt as well. Time for more reflection I guess.
This whole exercise is making me realize that I have a choice in how things pan out through the way I CHOOSE to deal with my emotions.
I'm going to give you something else to think about, since you now seem to have a grasp on 'how you choose to deal with your emotions.'
Let's consider your standard cycle with Mrs. GGB. You want to have sex (just like you want to eat when you are hungry.) You initiate. She rejects. Nothing wrong, per se, with any of that.
GGB Standard Response to a choice Mrs. GGB freely made (well... let's keep it simple and assume this for now): To get pouty.
Okay. We both know you don't like feeling pouty. But, habitually, if you pouted long and loud enough, Mrs. GGB would cave and give you pity sex.
Do you see where this ISN'T about sex AT ALL... but you unconsciously seeking methods/taking actions that will STOP those icky pouty feelings? So it's really more about acting and responding to your OWN feelings... and sex is just the fall guy?
Now that you have chosen to act in a different way... you like how you feel this way better than when you were pouty... maybe not quite where you want to be yet, you're still considering and tinkering and experimenting... you'd still like to have sex...
But none of those things are now connected. They are ALL independent of one another.
I'm not sure at this point if it was a subconcious thing to try to get a desired reaction out of her or because I wanted it for me. I think I did it for me, but I have my moments of doubt as well.
I'm not so sure it matters just yet. The important thing was to understand that you really do have choices. And even if you withdrew to get a reaction from her... you still took a different action. It may not have been completely chosen, but you were aware enough to understand that something different was happening.
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I think I did it for me, but I have my moments of doubt as well.
Sooo... maybe it's time to make a different choice, take a different action... dunno. It's YOUR life. I'm not steering your ship. What do YOU THINK, captain?
I bet it would help if you had some maps and navigational equipment, and some sense of where you wanted to go, huh????
Yep, I’m with you on your whole explanation, and I guess the final answer is the usual answer, you decide what you want and whether the other person can meet your wants or not.
I've got some thoughts for you on that... they might help, they might not... but I actually have to get some work done... dam job interfering with my posting life... yeesh.
Ahh, yes the maps and compass....so that gets us back to that "what makes GGB happy" and purpose in life bit. Gotcha! Right now I am feeling a bit like a kid with the remote control. Gotta push all the buttons to see what each does Anyway, yeah, withdrawing isn't what I really wanted, but like you said, it is a first step. This morning she wasn't in the mood again and kind of stalled until she had to get up (first day of school for S14, who needed a ride to school). Instead of getting down about it or withdrawing, I just felt "Oh well, your loss " and took care of myself. I'm going to try to keep that direction going and to develop a more happy-go-lucky attitude in general (except with S17, where I need to stay firm but loving).
Got back from Chicago. Did all my business stuff and guitar playing. Walked in the rain. Got a funk going for the past few days. I'm not sure exactly where it's coming from, but I feel it in my "funk" place, right behind my sternum. Ughhh!
The kids have just started back to school, including my S5 who is just starting kindergarten. The upshot of this is that when I come home for lunch (I work about 10 min away) my W and I are alone in the house for the first time in a long time. Our interaction is stilted; limited to small talk about bills, kids, and any activities scheduled for the upcoming evening. The lack of meaningful connection brings me down more than I would have thought. It definitely intesifies the continuous low-level funk (I'm just going to call it CLF from now on), leaving me gloomier than I would have been just staying at work. This is where I'm torn:
Should I do what I want, that is, stay/ eat at work? I suspect this course, because it seems like a cop-out on doing the work, building the bridge. But it is definitely enticing, getting an all day break from the CLF multiplier that is my R right now.
Should I continue to go home and work on re-engaging? I expect that hoeing this row will be long and hard indeed, and perhaps prove to be un-hoeable (yeah, I just made that up).
Obviously, she is still a large influence on my state of mind.
It always seems that today is the day before I start living, KWIM? I have yet to lay down the first track of any of my songs, get back to the gym, all that stuff which I know will make me feel more in control of my life. I'm starting back to the gym today, so that may kickstart me on some other activities.
OK, I know I need to do the work of re-engaging. I think, after rereading my post, that I was just whining a bit. I need to go home, be bright and chipper, and be happy to sit with her or not.
LM
LM
Lucky me, I could have been someone else FOREVER! Whew, that was close!
Oh, so lovely to hear from you!! I was wondering about you. Two big thumbs up for doing things you WANTED to do in Chicago. Sorry the CLF clouded in on you in Chicago... I'm wondering... did CLF come on the heels of considering everything that is NOT happening in your R right now? Seems you are giving the cloud lots and lots of your valuable energy... and what we feed... tends to grow. Food for thought.
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Should I do what I want, that is, stay/ eat at work? I suspect this course, because it seems like a cop-out on doing the work, building the bridge. But it is definitely enticing, getting an all day break from the CLF multiplier that is my R right now.
It could also give you the space/time to explore other things. If you are doing this to avoid the stiltedness at home... but you are doing so, consciously... for now, that may not necessarily be a bad thing. Maybe stay at work a few days a week. Go home a few days a week. Have short term goals lined up for yourself when you DO go home... ie., what are you going to eat, what are you going to DO, what things might you WANT to talk about (besides R stuff)... etc. Have a plan. IF you begin to feel gloomy at home, what will you DO when that happens?
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Should I continue to go home and work on re-engaging? I expect that hoeing this row will be long and hard indeed, and perhaps prove to be un-hoeable (yeah, I just made that up).
Hmmm... how FAST do you want to hoe this row? Or can you be a patient farmer?
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Obviously, she is still a large influence on my state of mind.
I'm going to suggest an alternative way of saying this sentence... consider it and see what you think...
"Obviously, **I am allowing her** to have a large influence on my state of mind."
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It always seems that today is the day before I start living, KWIM?
Oh yeah. BTDT. Listen to the song "Drive," by Incubus.
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I have yet to lay down the first track of any of my songs, get back to the gym, all that stuff which I know will make me feel more in control of my life. I'm starting back to the gym today, so that may kickstart me on some other activities.
How 'bout you give yourself a bit of a break (but not too much)... one step at a time, buddy. And... you get a Kudo bar. You REALIZE where you are. You KNOW where you want to be. All that stuff in the middle... isn't so easy as it sounds, is it? Fcking A, it's hard. And I think... it's almost stunning to realize just how HARD it actually is. Now... are you going to cower in the face of just how high that climb might be... or are you going to understand and resolve... that the journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step?
You are doing okay, buddy. Sing some. At the top of your lungs. I don't know if helps you, but it sure as heck gigs my mood... even if I have to do it until my voice is gone.
The CLF didn't really kick in 'til lunch yesterday. I think it was easy not to notice the distance between us when the kids or other people were around. It just kind of hit me then.
You're absolutely right, though. I am allowing her to influence my state of mind.
You're also right in that the CLF is an energy-sucking hole that I need to avoid feeding.
I've never been all that patient, but then it's been a couple of YEARS since I have, well, hoed any row, so to speak.
Hope things are going better for you, too. These mountains can be a real b!tch, eh? Seriously, thanks for being around. I felt better just posting, and reading your response was icing on the cake!
PS I finally figured out what my signature tag will be!
LM
Lucky me, I could have been someone else FOREVER! Whew, that was close!
Listen to the song "Drive," by Incubus.
