my crazy mess

[christarn]

I wish I could say no news is good news, but I can't...So I will just give an update. I have talked with the H twice since I last posted. The first talk went well or at least I thought so. I told him I thought we should try some type of counseling, he neither agreed nor disagreed ( my h, is very turtle paced and very middle of the road) I also told him gently that maybe it was time if we were seriously going to work on things that other outside relationships should end. To which his response was she would never walk out on him. He said part of him wanted to work on things and part of him was just scared to death that I would walk out on him again. I have no good response for that, only that my heart is in this marriage for the long run. So now I bring you to the latest talk which was yesterday, I spent 8 hours out at our farm. I recieved mixed signals from him. He did say it would be easier to get the D, to which I responded that wasn't what I wanted. He said he was just so scared of being hurt and getting back together and things not working again. He always brings up that we broke up way before we were engaged and now this and if history repeats I will leave again in another 5 years....I am at a loss right now. He said as of right now he couldn't say what he wanted to do, part of him wants to fight, and part of him doesn't. So...I said I didn't need an answer...that I understood, and I was scared to. The only reason I was wondering what was going on was he text me that he was going to be having a friend move in...and i replied where does that leave me and my hopes of moving home sometime? He replied you need to be sure that is what you want. So part of me felt that there was hope. Guess I need to learn not to get my hopes up. So I guess for now, I will continue on my rollar coaster. And hope that the part of him that wants to work on things will out weigh the part of him that doesn't.