why don't I listen to my own stories?

[Trixi]

I went to my divorce support group last night and asked for their prayers for my H since I see a little ember trying to glow. I also touched on the dating issue.

The facilitator is very clever and said "Do you have any really good marriages to look at? That want you model yours after?" I say "Yeah, my grandma and grandpa." and he says "Okay. So would Gramma go out with a guy without Grandpa." SMACK!

As I said before, I am having some anxiety waiting for the other shoe to fall and am starting to question what is really going on. Like now I am starting to wonder if he really said what he said, or was it more vague than that and I filled in the blanks? (He is highly skilled in speaking in such a way that a person can fill in the blanks and not even realize it until there is a conflict and question regarding intent. Then you realize just how vague the statement was.) In his particular case, unless I *know* that he ONLY plans to "date" me, I am NOT going to offer that to him.

I have NEVER told him the following:
I like to go out and flirt
I'm afraid I will cheat
I married you for the wrong reasons
I don't know what I want
I am confused
I don't think I want to be married
I love you but something is missing

He has obviously made out with someone. (Ugh. that makes me feel ill.)

I have every reason to NOT feel secure and he has every reason TO feel secure. I don't think it is in our best interest that he feel like he can coast along. If I were to say "I don't think it's a good idea to even go out on platonic dates; therefore I will not be doing that. Sorry if I hurt you." He would probably say "That's your choice. I'm still going to." (At which point I can't back pedal.)
And he would probably think "okay. so no threat of her leaving; I can go ahead and not worry about losing her while I get my ya-yas out." AND, given his statement about "Some women would say 'you have to do XYZ to be with me'" he would probably lose respect for me if I just rolled over like that.

In fact- now that I think about it; I think I was WAY too nice after he let me know about his dates. After I got done being mad, I was affectionate towards him, snuggly. I wanted to reconnect because I felt like he had broken our tennuous connection with his disclosures. I didn't want our night together to be icky; I wanted him to go with good memories. That was dumb. I stuffed my real feelings when I should have sat with them and let him 'earn' his way back into my good graces.

*sigh* oh well. Nothing I can do about it now.