The OM makes them feel special, that brings guilt, well the guilt is smoothed over if we get angry with them, because then they have justification. Well why should you hang with their rope, let them hang themselves. Remove yourself from the sitch and they fall apart.
I like it Atlas -- makes sense to me, though I also agree with Heim that it doesn't fit all sitches. However, I do think it fits most or at least the majority.
You sound really good -- hope you continue to stay focused as W joins the picnic!
Broke the rules last night and got tagged by the W.
W called and I can hear S in the backgroun screaming for daddy, and saying he wants to go to daddy's house. W asks how long this behavior has been going on, since she doesn't believe me when I tell her. Then she asks what he does and I explain again, sitting at the door, won't let anyone hold him, screams for mommy all night.
W breaks down and says she is not doing well since she knows now that she is hurting S. Says she wants to come home but that it would be only for S and that we have nothing. I listened and validated until she said that the pain S was having was my fault. Broke the rules at that point, I didn't yell but I told W she left, not me. Said I know I haven't been the best H but her refusal to work on our R and the consequences of that choice are hers to shoulder. Told her that she knows where I stand and that I want to work things out.
W then tells me that she wants to work things out but that I'm a horses backside and she can't. She finally ends the call saying she can't talk anymore and has to attend to S.
I chased her right back into the castle. Every freaking time! I need to set up some type of trip wire between my picnic and the castle so that when I chase it snars me. I'm a fool and I'm going to kill this, I don't want to be the one that feels I did, so I better learn to back off.
Maybe you chased her back for a minute, but you also stood up for yourself, which seems to be a 180 for you recently. She also seems to finally be understanding what she's doing to your son. She's seeing it and that hurts. She feels guilty. Let her feel the pain. She's not done with you, and is feeling her way back, I think.
You and I are both in the same boat with the talking. My W hasn't chased me at all, so I don't know how I would handle that if I were to ever get the chance. Odds are I'll spaz a bit. No worries, keep in mind that one the things that DR mentions repeatedly is that it's OK to make a mistake, it's not going to kill your chance at making this work.
Something I read on someone elses thread might work for you. Put a rubber band around your wrist. Everytime you start to say something, pop the rubber band (also worked to prevent suicide on a MASH episode).
Breaking my heart to read about your son. My oldest is starting to show signs of anger. She's always had a bit of a temper, so it's hard to tell if she's just being her or if it's more than that. Tough for everyone. It'll get better, though.
BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
keep in mind that one the things that DR mentions repeatedly is that it's OK to make a mistake, it's not going to kill your chance at making this work.
However, it also says that the only wrong button is the one you keeping pushing (i.e. making the same mistake over and over). Don't keep going down that same cheeseless tunnel...
Sometimes, we have to stand up for ourselves even though it doesn't seem very 180. Said a couple of things during our R talks this week which I regretted but I recovered pretty quickly and stopped myself from going on. We are only human after all.
You all have some valid points, and while I think the short term is that it is a cheesless tunnel it is having an odd effect. As soon as I started sticking up for myself, she is interested. When I was acting like a doormat she is looking at me like, well that is sweet and all but your still an idiot. I just need to stand up for myself without being a jerk when doing it. I like the rubberband idea, as a reactionary and a physically centered person that could work wonders.
As it says somewhere on this site, pick your battles wisely and timing is important. We can tell when Sp is listening/receptive. Suppose it's a 180 when we react instaed of passively taking it. It's doing something different.
Agree, if you are able to stand up for yourself like a gentlemen but with conviction, it is attractive no matter how you slice it plus it gives you a tremendous amount of self respect.
You GOTTA act that way. How would you act if this were not happening. I would strive to act that way, wouldnt you?
C
Me: 46 Wife: 39 D: 13 S: 11, 9, 7 Bomb 3.2.07, Sep Same Day, D papers 11.1.07 Current Status - Wants to take me through Discovery, I will go to prison first.
Let me clarify, I was saying that you standing up for yourself recently, as long as you do it in a calm manner, is a great thing for you to do. Like you said, it's working.
It's when you open up to your W and tell her how you feel that she pulls away. Stop doing so much of that. If she asks, say something like, "You know how I feel about us, that we could have a wonderful M. However, until you decide to commit to giving your best to our R, I'm going to have to ask you to respect my feelings and STOP JERKING ME AROUND [you may need to paraphrase that last part]. In the meantime, I will work with you as hard as I can so that we can be the best parents we can be to our son.
FWIW
BD BD
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
Well W won't let me have S overnight tonight after I mentioned that him and I had plans if she would let him stay with me, she backed right out of that to try and tick me off. She was so snide during the call, I just let it roll off my back.
What is tought to deal with is this balancing act between killing the R myself and wanting back in. A few days ago all she would have to do is look at me square and I would have been done, now I feel sort of vested in it again. I do have to say I didn't fall into the feelings as deep as before and I don't get as angry when she does something stupid. I guess the rollercoaster is sort of evening out.
I went and made other plans for tonight, so I know she'll show up thinking she has killed my night but she will see all done up and ready to go.
