Have you read Divorce remedy? It takes a LOT of work and humility and you are pregnant. You need to spend this last trimester going to prenatal classes and Mama Yoga. Set up your support system. Maybe your way of GAL would be to focus on your own health and not on his job sitch.
The Light Your Fire CDs say that a man's ego is his job. He has most likely thought about his job decision 50-100 times and only wants to hear if you are supportive of his decisions. It may be time to just listen.
Having said that, he has left a pregnant woman with kids and he drinks and is abusive. Wow. Maybe we are both getting a lucky break. That may sound harsh, but who does he think he is? Kevin Federline? Charlie Sheen? Take care of yourself. You can be supportive without being codependent.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
I read the first chapter. I plan on getting it this Friday and reading it. first, i'm finishing up my Co-dependent No More book! It's really helping.
I know I need to focus on me and my health and my sanity I had some kind of breakthrough yesterday with the realization of "emotional unavailability..." that's just who he has become. It sucks, it's not easy, but I'm going to have to deal with it.
Regarding his job, he's going to do what he's going to do. It's not like he'll be any more emotionally here than he already is. I gave him my opinion, but told him that if we were going to be together, then I would have to accept it if that's what he was going to do. That's as supportive as I can be without being dishonest with him or myself. I still don't think it's right. I don't think any kind of job that takes a person away from their family is good for a family, no matter what kind of money it brings in. I believe in closeness and time together... that's probably a reflection of having none of that growing up
So, with that, this is the best thing right now. Hopefully, he comes to a realization that family is more important and work through his issues and then we can work through ours. If it doesn't happen, then, in the long run, the kids and I will be happier this way.
It's just shock and denial and grief right now... but that too will pass.
The Light Your Fire workbook words it like this, "It sounds like you are saying you want to ....... I understand why. It would be my preference if we could ....... but I stand behing your decision. I have faith that you know what 's best for us." She says that will work and to try it first. if it doesn't then give a stronger I message. I know it sounds passive aggressive, believe me I was raised by a single mom who was pretty gansta! But it makes me feel calm saying this mantra. I actually used it when my H confirmed having an affair!
"It sounds like you are saying you want to see other people even though we are still married. I understand you think I let you go even though you know I want you to come home to your family and me. I would prefer if you wait until we are divorced to see other people because we have children and parents to protect. I have faith you know what is best for our family." Can you believe it? But I kept my integrity. It was better than yelling and screaming like a green eyed monster.
Last edited by mkultra; 08/28/0702:48 PM.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
H just called me, even though I said I wasnt going to answer the phone.. And technically, I didn't, but I was on the other line so he knew I was home because he didn't get the machine. So I called him back. He says this to me:
"What are you doing today, are you busy? I need to talk to you. I love you, I miss you, I'm miserable without you, I just wanted some space, this is stupid, can I move back in?" I just sat there stunned.
Now, here is the crazy part. Yesterday, I was going to ask him the same thing, again, but this was before he didn't call back and I had all these revelations and I was accepting that this was how things were going to be.
So after a moment of silence... he asked me if I didn't want him to now. I said it wasn't that, it's just that I've done a lot of thinking about our relationship and how things were and we needed to talk. He said he understood and he's on his way over to talk.
I'm still in shock.
We'll see what happens. There's things I will stand firm on--he has to continue to try and help himself with the alcoholism, his "emotional unavailability," I want both of us to go to counseling to learn how to communicate and relate better...
I'm also different through all this and I want him to know that. I'm not going to be the silly co-dependent control freak that I was and that I will continue to get help for myself.
There's other things too, but those are the main ones.
I had some kind of breakthrough yesterday with the realization of "emotional unavailability..." that's just who he has become. It sucks, it's not easy, but I'm going to have to deal with it.