But what if the other person does not have that sense of empathy or guilt, or if that person has such strongly tinted glasses that s/he thinks being in the C.U. chair actually evens things out and that chair is where they rightly should be?
LOL! Hmmm... let me think back on myself when, not so long ago, I was very comfy in that chair... and can still hop back in it, if I'm not paying attention...
Welp. I was one very confused and unhappy person, and I was pretty much convinced that people (namely the H) were doing things TO me, I was the one doing all the work, I was the one making concessions, I was the one suffering... oh poor me.
While sitting in that chair, I had no real understanding of the choices I was making, UNCONSCIOUSLY. It was always someone else's fault. Oh, sure, I could admit to being pouty or combative... didn't change anything, because I always felt powerless. (And I did that so I didn't have to make all those uncomfortable and painful changes... I wasn't steering my own ship, and I was always blaming other people for my ship sailing in waters I didn't want to be in. Yet. I was the one who refused to steer my own ship. Hmmmmm.)
If the other person is determined to be in that chair, just to keep the score 'even,' then I'd say... the only way to 'win' is not to play the game. THAT is why I'm saying to GGB... by focusing on yourself like you are... knowing what your emotions are, what your purpose is, what makes you happy... when things 'happen' in life, you understand that you can now make informed decisions and choices, based on Who You Are, and your purpose, rather than on constant emotional knee jerk reactions TO other people. (that's the C.U. Chair).
Quote:
I'm wondering if I were to actively PUT my wife in the C.U. chair and go out of my way to make her the center of everything (by acknowledging all her wants, wishes, needs, etc.), how would she react and would some of my complaints become more apparent to her?
I think this would be way too subtle. Again, your power comes from within. If you stick her in that C.U. chair, all you are doing is 'manipulating.' She isn't the center of your world, and I don't think it is an honest expression of Who You Are.
I don't know if your wife is ever going to be empathetic. I know how frustrating that is to you. But look at it this way:
1) My wife appears (to me) to be oblivious to my needs and wants. <-- This is not your problem.
2) It appears to me that as a result of her behavior, I am feeling frustrated. <-- THIS is your problem, IF you use that feeling as an excuse to behave in ways that are counter to YOUR goals.
So you are feeling frustrated. I am not saying that flippantly. But it IS your emotion. It isn't good or bad. What power you choose to give to that emotion can elicit all different kinds of outcomes. Any action you take CAN BE completely independent of this feeling. (Steering your own ship). If you give in to the feeling, and blame her for your subsequent actions (if she weren't so oblivious, I wouldn't act this way)... YOU are the one now in the C.U. Chair, and SHE is steering your ship.
Is that making any sense?
Quote:
The problem with my wife is that her wants, wishes and needs are better met by completely leaving her alone, but I suppose there could be a way to highlight that "need" as well, though I'm not sure what it would be.
My xH used to say that to me all the time. I can see why it would appear to him that this was the case. If he stopped 'being him,' then I wouldn't act in ugly ways. See how this is a two-fold problem?
He could act any way he wanted. He stopped 'being him.' He didn't have to do that. He chose to do so.
I could act in any way I wanted. I didn't HAVE to act ugly. I didn't HAVE to withdraw. Those were my choices.
But they were choices I was making unconsciously, and since they were, it felt like HE was controlling me. My life continuously felt 'reactionary.' And it was.
Can you see why? When you sit in the C.U. Chair, you are unwilling or unable to own your own behaviors and choices.
GGB is regaining control of HIS SHIP. He may not want to make 'withdrawing' from the R a standard action he takes, but at least right now he understand that that was his decision to do so. He chose NOT to respond in his habitual way, though the 'emotion' was the same as any other time this particular cycle with Mrs. GGB occurs.
He simply made another choice. And in so doing, he is now experiencing the POWER of choice, and he is now in a different place to make different choices, because he got where he is through conscious choice. If it were an unconscious choice, it'd just be the same ole' same ole', BTDT, poor me, I'm stuck... here we go again.
He'll have to speak for himself... but... is this making any sense?
