Why do people just give up because its just too hard to try? and while there are little ones involved shouldn't we try even harder?
I really do not know. I always thought that was what you were saying when you take your vows. But some people like my W don't have the intestinal fortitude to make it work through the worst of it. Does that make her weak? maybe...I guess it proves she is human and is choosing the easy way out. But again I go back to the vows that we took and the do not leave room for an easy way out.
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I wouldn't want my kids to know that I just gave up, that I tried like he!! to stay together and fought for our family.
I agree 100%. I know that in the end I can look my girls in the face and say that I tried to keep our family together. My W on the other hand cannot. That is something that she is going to have to live with for the rest of her life. She is grabbing onto a fantasy that in the end is going to fizzle out and reality is then going to smack her square between her eyes.
Well my W is pushing the divorce on me while I am at work. She emailed me asking for my thoughts about her proposal. Here is the email:
W's email: will you mind sending me a list or the copy of what you are sending your L so i can consider the changes and things that you feel are important. spoke with my lawyer and he said we may need to go to mediation in regards to the technical stuff. you sending me the list would allow us to talk with our words
My Response: XXXXX,
I know that I said I would send my thoughts about your proposal over to you, but I really do not think it is a good idea. We have payed our lawyers good money and they need to hash some of this out between the two of them . It is mutually beneficial to us and our girls that they do. It also puts most of the frustrations on them. To this day I do not think that there has been a whole lot of discussion between the two of them. My L knows where I stand on most of the issues. Your L and her should be able to figure most of it out. If there are some points they cannot come to an agreement on then I think we need to talk about it.
Take Care, Scott
She then started chatting me about settling on a price for our house. I told her again that I think this should go through our L's and we need to leave the frustrations with them.
She then called me a few minutes later and told me about our girls schedule the rest of the day. She was crying on the phone and stated that she is going to soon breakdown. She said that she is going to try and stay away from the house because she did not want to be around while I was spending time with our girls.
I hate this. A huge part of me wanted to consul her and give her a hug. But I believe that would only make matters worse. I guess I still care for her more then I would like too at this point.
I hate this. A huge part of me wanted to consul her and give her a hug. But I believe that would only make matters worse. I guess I still care for her more then I would like too at this point.
I'm going to tell you what you told me last week. I hate to see you get sucked back in only to get hurt again (remember I got sucked back in and hurt again). There's no doubt you care about your W more than you would like to. We are human and we can't just turn off feelings at the drop of a hat, but your W like my H only cares about herself right now.
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Divorce sucks....
I'm with you on that.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
I know you want to console her, but that is why you can't. She is really playing games, and although she may be truly confused, she is also doing nothing about it to help matters.
You think she would "wake up" now and realize what she is doing.. I don't understand it.. how a infatuation can take you over and you completely disregard your loved ones in the process.
Chin up and stay strong!
TAL
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Scott, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Don't be too hard on yourself. You are human after all and can't just walk away as easy as she did. You are a great man and father, just remember that!
To your knowledge is she still with the OM? It's so hard to believe that OP can be more important than family, but unfortunately it happens too many times.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
You are doing an excellent job. Let the lawyers handle things.
I am doing the same. My W has tried to instigate things between the two of us, but now that things are more formal regarding the lodging of papers etc, the best course is through our lawyers.
Man, I know where you are coming from. Divorce does suck.
The bad thing is I can see changes in her towards me, but with OM still in the picture, I can't see my sitch changing before our divorce is final.
Don't worry mate, it can't get any worse for you than divorce. So just look at an exciting and happy future for you and your girls. You will get through it and become so much stronger. Who knows what the future holds for you.
Scott, I truly don't understand any of it either. I'm so sorry that, even though your W seems to know deep down that what is happening is not the right thing, she is still going through with it. I don't know why "they" think that getting a D is just going to magically "fix" their lives and what is broken in it. If she would just acknowledge that you are what she needs and are so willing to "help" her and your family to heal, she would probably find her happiness that she's looking for, but unfortunately sometimes they don't figure this out until it's too late. Hang in there.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Thanks for the wise advice. It is so easy to want to grab onto something that just does not exist. It is amazing when you are not sitting in the middle of a sitch how you can see things like this and there potential outcomes. Thanks again....
TAL, You are right it does seem like she is truly hurting but at the same time not doing anything to try and restore our family. The games that you mentioned that she might be playing I think are really being played by her L. It seems to me that her L is trying to bypass my L and work directly with me through my W. I cannot blame him for not wanting to work with my L, but there is a reason why I hired who I did.
It still amazes me that an infatuation can take control of someone's life like this. This is how we all find ourselves here on these boards.
Yoyo, Thanks for the kind words. I actually have no idea if she is still involved with OM at this time. My guess is Yes, but I really do not know.
How is the new school year going for you?
Andy, Thanks for the encouragement to stay the course. Interesting that you are seeing changes in your W's behavior now that D is a reality. I cannot say that I see the same in my W. Who knows maybe someday.
Cades, You are right that my W is looking for something to fix her life. Unfortunately, she is looking for a quick fix that is just an illusion. She is probably going to have to hit rock bottom before she starts looking at herself for her own happiness. It sucks that this all affects my little girls. I do believe you are right that all my W needs to be happy is right in front of her and it is not the broken family that she is creating.
Last night I had an interesting conversation with D5 while putting her to bed. She does not seem to be as thrilled with moving out as my W thinks. I do not want my D to feel that she has to make both parents happy, because I hear that is what happens at her age in sitch like this. I want her to be able to freely tell me how she feels and what is concerning her. So last night she was really upset that the four of us are never together and I think she now realizes this is going to continue while she is at moms new place. I just kept telling her that I loved her and that she always has a place to stay with me. I really only tried to assure her that I would always be there for her and that I would always love her. She then fell asleep on my chest.
I have no idea if she has these types of conversations with my W. If she did you would thin that it would stop my W in her tracks. I hate that my girls have to go through this mess because of their mommy's selfishness.
Thanks again everyone for your kind words and encouragement.
Im sorry that you have to go through all of this. When the kids are hurt you feel so out of control because you can't fix it. I don't understand how your W doesn't see any of this.. Is she That out of tune with her own children?? She is very selfish Scott, Way more then is normal. As a mother, I don't get it.
You are doing everything right. Keep on giving your kids the love and attention they need from you and your relationship with them will never change.
Concentrate on that, Because They WILL need you when or If the D goes through.
Sending you hugs...
TAL
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
I don't understand how your W doesn't see any of this..
I am starting to believe this is because she has convinced her C and her family that she is the victim in all of this. My W is reading self help books, books about being a single mom, and reading Sandi Patty books which seem to justify divorce even though they are considered a Christian book. She really thinks in her mind that she is the victim and with the little of support she is getting I think it is re-enforcing this thought.
Up until her A started all she ever said was how much she loved me and was happy with her life. Now that Dr. Adultery entered the picture I have suddenly in her mind become an emotionally neglectful and abusive H. In her words "You loved me as best as you can but it was not enough for me". I guess Dr. Adultery is Mr. Perfect.....
Journaling: This week my W has been on a huge push to get the settlement on our house finished. She now says that she is closing on her new place on Sept 14th. She probably told me the 7th orginally just to upset me because that is my birthday. Really mature isn't she.
My W has been calling me and chatting me while I have been at work this past week. While at work on Wednesday she called me to again push me on settling on splitting our house equity. I tried to tell her to leave it to our L's but she kept pushing it. I eventually told her that she had absolutely no respect for me doing this with me while I was at work. I asked her if she would like it if I called her while she was at work and talked about the divorce and how she is acting. I guess she got the hint because she hung up. To my relief when I got home my W had my MIL at the house so she did not have to see me. Actually my MIL was a sight for sore eyes, I really did not want to see or talk to my W after she called me at work like that. It is bad enough that her A has made it hard for me to concentrate at work, now I have her calling me pushing the D on me. This really sucks.
I have been keeping busy GAL and spending precious time with my DD's. I went golfing the otherday, I had my fantasy football draft the other night with a bunch of my friends, and my DD's and I have been hanging out with friends in the neighborhood. This weekend and Labor day I have my girls. We will be going up to Milwaukee with some of my friends and younger brother. It should be a good time.
