I am writing to you all from Germany (hope my englisch will be good enough to make you understand my current dilemma). I am 33 years old, mother of a 8 year old daughter, single Mom since about 7 years.
Last year in June, when I just decided to open up my own business - a bar with regular cultural events - I met my man (we're not married, but it always felt like it). He was out of work at that time but also had experience in gastronomical affairs. I only liked him as a friend first and it was not impossible for me to give him work in my future bar. But by the end of a month, I realized that I really cherished the time, we spent together and I fell in love with him. We experienced something none of us had experienced before: We so much loved each other and we were so happy to spend time together, that he moved in with us straight away. He gave me a lot of support in raising the bar-project and by the end of last year it had turned into OUR project. It all felt very new, very stressy but very good.
We opened the bar in January - and from the beginning, it was a full success. But from then we did nothing but work work work.... There was hardly any free time left for each one of us. We spent most of the time at the bar (from morning till middle of the night) - either both of us or one of us, coz the other one then would have to take care of my daughter.
I had though realized that he was regularly drinking his 6 beers at least every evening/night. No matter if we were at home or at work. As my aim always was, to stop drinking, as soon as we would have the bar, I naturally thought he would try to stop it, too.
I tried to talk about it with him several times, but he would always cut the conversation off with: I can control my drinking.
But then it happened quite a few times that he even got drunk while working alone nighttimes. And this started to drive me mad. Also he would not get up in time in the "mornings" to open up the place. As he was taking care for the food-catering, it was necessary to have him at the bar daytimes. Either though he is more of a "night"person. He put me into the following dilemma: Either I agree to make him work nighttimes more often and trust him with NOT getting drunk or he continues working daytimes, sitting at home at night without a big chance to go out due to my daughter. But in 80% of the cases when he WAS working nighttimes then, he disappointed me over and over again.
Then I stopped drinking in his presence. No alcohol for me anymore. This pressured him big time. Didnt really help though. Then I wrote him a love-letter with all my ressentments towards him when he is drinking and puts me into this stupid position that I feel the urge to control him. Told him, that I feel helpless in front of his drinking. But that I loved him. I got rid of all the responsability towards him, told him I was not gonna control him any longer. I asked him, if - even if he could not stop drinking completely - to at least try to start to reflect the impacts an to find out, what he could do to handle his addiction.
He tried to drink less the following days. But he was not able to sleep. I think this is what must have made him go crazy inside. But whenever I asked him, what was wrong with him he'd answer me: I don't know. I can't tell you.
This speechlessness drove ME mad. It had already made me crazy before coz even concerning our business life and our privat life - whatever I tried to initiate - he did not have an opinion. I tried to find a solution for each and everything (which is my stlye to cope with problems).
Now I know that this was the point only to make things even worse. I so much focussed on solving HIS problem that I lost myself in it. Last week he did not come home for one night. Told me he got drunk and slept on a friends couch.
oh, the post did not get through entirely: this is the end of it:
Last week he did not come home for one night. Told me he got drunk and slept on a friends couch. He didnt appear in time for work.
This was the point, where I should actually have kicked him out. I also told him, that I was aware of that. We decided he should leave to see some friends out of town for the weekend and get some space to think about the situation.
I used my time to find out about MY mistakes in the entire story. And I was quite happy to finally understand them: trying to Fix him, letting too much go of myself. Sad insights. But I had them.
He then came back one day before he intended. No phonecall, just suddenly stood in the door.
And he broke up with me. Told me, he met another woman, it feels like he felt in love with her. And this would be a clear sign, that he could not love ME any longer. He had been meeting her since a month (also the night he did not come home) - but so far, nothing sexual happend - so his words.
He would understand if I wanted to kick him out of my life completely. I went MAD. I was soooooo hurt!%0
-> I went MAD. I was soooooo hurt! I could not believe, that after all our struggles he would just throw everything away!
The more I think about it though, the more it feels a good way to pursue. Finally HE decided something. FInally I do not have to ASK him any longer without getting an answer.
We met again yesterday and told my daughter, that he will not be staying with us any longer, coz we needed some space. He though will carry on to take care of her when I have to work nighttimes. They love each other like daughter and dad!
After she went to bed, we talked again quietly. Hugging, caressing, crying.
I told him that I intend to start a therapy to come to terms with my patterns.
But first of all we are going to see a counselor today to help us continue with the business and with defining our tasks as well as our "limits", which we were not able to set in these past months.
Now: it does NOT feel, as if he doesn't love me any longer. The moments, we had together yesterday, they were so full of love and understandig, as they had not been for weeks!
I feel, he was not able to solve his problem IN our relationship. And he knew, he was gonna hurt me more and I was gonna hurt him more in exchange. So he looked for someone to give him the unconditional love i was not able to give him any longer.
We both know and feel HOW important we are and also will be for each other.
I love him. And I do not wanna make any more serious mistakes from now. I would be very happy about some support in helping me to go MY way now. Which will be best for me. And which will be showing him, that I am willing to change for the sake of MYSELF. I would be so happy, if my feelings for him would not decieve me and if we can proof to each other, that our love is real love.
I will stop here for now - impatiently waiting for your ideas and impulses!
I am in a very similar situation. I am in love with an alcoholic. I was like you--tried to control the drinking and it drove me mad. The first thing you have to realize is that you CANNOT control anyone. Even if we think we're helping, or doing it for their own good, we cannot control them. Good for you for going to therapy, maybe more will come out of it than just setting limits for the business. You need to take care of yourself and your problems--it's labeled "co-dependency." If you don't take care of you, you will keep making the same mistakes over and over again in your relationships, in fact, this may not even be the first time this has happened for you--loving someone with a problem--an addiction, a mental issue--something you felt compelled to "fix." Looking back at myself, this wasn't my first. But it's going to be my last. As far as he goes, he has to realize that he has a problem, accept it, and want to change. Only he can do that for him.
Thanx a lot for posting! I did read your thread before I posted mine - an I really guess we're in a quiet similar situation.
And me too, I realized that It was not my first relationship where I tried to FIX something/someone. This is why I wanna go to see a therapist all by myself now.
We went to the business counselling today - and we both felt it was really good. We now got instruments to deal with each other on a business-basis - which is very important coz we're financially dependent... But the real challenge is to deal with him on the emotional level - regarding the fact, that he says he does not love me anymore and it seems he fell in love with another woman. We will still be seing each other at least 4 times a week... The counsellor even gave us the advice to deal with business matters each day - even if only on the phone. Also, she told us to have a regualar like "date" outside home or business - like playing squash - to get rid of possible aggressions...
And to me, she told me to trust him that he can do better than he did before...
Now the thing is, I can't find Michelles book anymore, where I wanted to read about the 180 and other means of helping myself to do better than before... What can I do best in my current situation? Would be very pleased to get some ideas!
I don't know about Michelle's book. I know it's on Wal-Mart.com and I'm sure it's on Amazon.. you may have to order it? The book I'm reading right now is called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's awesome. It has been so super helpful in how I think and feel about myself and I know will help me change for the better. I don't know for sure, but you might also check into Al-Anon meetings... I've only been to one, but I could identify with every single person in the room--they were all codependent and very similar to me... they may not have been with an alcoholic, but they were in the same boat.
If you want to make it work between the two of you, professionally or otherwise, you will have to trust him. Which I'm sure is hard because that's probably where you started. Codependents tend to be very trusting at first and then when its gone, it's very hard to get back. But it can be done. It will just take some time. One of the biggest pieces of advice I can give you is to mind your own business and give him space.
I can't handle it. I want it so much - but I can't. Started crying today outside the bar - just before I had to start working. He was there and then decided he was gonna work, and I'd better go home.
I feel so week. Ordered DIVORCE BUSTING at the booksellers today - if I am lucky, they'll have it tomorrow.
I definitely need means do deal with him on a business basis first. But there are still so many private things involved.... I wanna give him SPACE. But it's kind of hard, if we see each other nearly every day.... And I do trust him now more than I maybe did before. It was finally HIS decision to proceed this style - after I waited for months for him to decide ANYTHING. So I need to accept it. But living with it is a different thing..... HOW CAN I PROCEED?????
I wish I had a way to help you. It is very difficult to try to live without when you are seeing the person every day. I know when my man was gone, though I wanted to see him, it hurt so bad. I was better off not talking to him and not seeing him. One thing that helped me was going through the Co-dependent book and "detaching." It's not going to be easy since you work with him. Look up detachment on the internet and read everything you can about it. It may help you be able to separate work from relationship. And acceptance is another thing. If you can come to terms with the fact that that is how things are going to be, I found that it was easier to deal with the reality of it.
I hope that helps you... Keep posting, I'll keep replying. Maybe just having someone to talk to will be enough.
